Day #170: 2012.

It's the last of 2012. A year that has the most memories in my life till now. This year, I went through a lot. I had my best time and worst time. If I have a restart button to really have a real start, I would first like to clear the history. The history that pokes me into my flesh till the bone. Restart? Will you still come back? Will dad still be back? No. Then how can that be restart? Actually, I was really expecting something. I dont know what, but i was just expecting something. Can I really leave everything behind in the year of 2012? Maybe for someone like me that feels so much, maybe not. For someone like you, you just want to get things over and fool yourself in the drum. I wont stop you, cause you never listen to me. I want to be really close to you. So close that nothing can ever break us apart. But someone really not worth, actually just interrupt so easily. I dont want to leave you, I dont want to forget you. But why must I have to? Some people dont have the love between, but they are just meant to be together. What kind of crap is that? I love you, I miss you. And I dont know how am I supposed to feel again. Hide? Cry? In 2012, I was about to kill myself and end my life; In 2013, Im glad that Im still alive. To be here. The stronger you push me away, the closer I will get to. If 2012 is a person, I'll call it a bitch and give it thousands slaps. Anyway, before it ends, I want to thank everyone for their existence in my  life. No matter good or bad, they gave me lessons. Thanks dear, for everything, the goods and bads. Though I hate it all. Just being grateful.

Day #169: Hardship.

No matter how hard it is, i think i will go through this piece of shit. No. It's not that I think, I must. I smile, because of you, I love because of you, I trust because of you. But it seems like it's one sided. I hold it too long. I thought you would change your mind, but you didnt. You rather to choose that girl who cheated on you for numerous time, the girl who fight over something small, a girl who I dont like, I would say. I dont like her, because of her taking advantage of you. You dont even mind people cheating on you, lie to you, take advantage of you, I dont even understand why am I suffering over your problem. I care, I really care. Thats why Im still here wandering. I dont know how much she can do for you, can she even sacrifice a little for you? I dont know. I really shouldnt care anymore. I've told myself for so many times, but my brain doesnt do the same thing. It's really annoying. I really want to get rid of you. Im not determined enough. :( You know how much pain it takes to trust you? But I still choose to trust. No one is perfect, it's true. But when you think that person is perfect, then he is, and you're perfect to me. All the old promises you made, old words you told, came into my mind again. I just cant believe you didnt do a thing you said. Im fear of falling in love again. Im afraid the words people say, promises people make. Just because it's never true. Just hear the sirens of the ambulance while typing this. Hope the person in the ambulance be alright. It reminds me that day when dad was admitted to the hospital. The day when we slept outside the hospital. The day when dad left. Still in mind, like it just happened yesterday.

Day # 168: Fatigue.

He said Im too tired, that's why i cant have the perfect swing that I used to have. And that really makes me frustrated. >.< And that got the wrist being hurt for few more times. Ouch. Be happy. At this time, after so many things happened, I dont know what else to say. I know im no one to say or to do anything anymore. I might just annoy you again and again. People said Im mature. I dont understand what makes them say im mature. Maybe to you, im just childish, annoying and attaching. Am i really even attaching? I did not even control a thing you do before. I even think that I was not attach enough to get you. I wish to be a kid again to forget the responsibility for being a daughter, even a person. Be happy. I just want you to be happy. People might think im childish and foolish, but if thats the only that matters to me, so it is. Everything is easy to say, but all are hard to achieve. For real, i try to ignore everything i can, but your happiness is all i want. No matter how much it takes. But i realise i dont know you anymore. Not anymore. :(

Day #167: Hide.

I hope you can be the one doing all the above with me. What the hell am I thinking? I should just continue to hide myself away from the reality, not telling anyone about anything. How are you? I shouldnt relate myself in your life anymore, even how much i always wanted to. I kept hoping this and that, when you actually spending your sweet time with her. >.< Anyhow, i dont give up on what I always believed, just, yeahhh.. I would spend all i can, use all i have to give you the world, to give you the things you wanted. I know things will not be that again, but i dont know why i just keep hoping. I dont show anything on my face anymore, for real. And that, people will not know what really i feel in me, It's okay. :) Steph left. I know im gonna miss her so much. She's a really good companion. A really good person that I wouldnt want her to leave me agian and again. Even we've lost contact for few years, but im really grateful that we are able to meet again after years. Love you, steph. Please take care of yourself really good. You deserve a good life with good people. :)

Day #166: Fate.

Im not born as well as anyone else, neither bad. Sometimes your surrounding makes you think a lot. Or maybe force? I dont blame or complain. Im born so, what can i do beside fighting for the chance to survive? I know i have to work extra cause i dont have the face, the intelligence, the ability. I dont mind working hard, but i just wish, someday, what ive been fighting for get pay off. Im not greedy, but i want to be successful. Not in terms of wealth only, and my health, my family, my everything. But people are greedy, when you get something, you'll ask for more. That's human. Never satisfy with what we already have and cry over something that is never yours. Now, it's like i pass everyday, just because it's a day. i dont really know what am i doing, but i know i wasnt wasting time. That's all. All the things happened make me feel numb and yeah. I dont know how to describe it. It's a feeling. But i just dont know. It's empty, but i just cant tell what it is. A smile can be real or fake, but tears can never be fake. Faking a smile is easy, but only people who cares, see that the smile is real or not. I hope you're smiling. No matter what, just smiles. I'll be there if you need me. Though i know you dont, cause someone better is near you? >.< I just dont know what to do anymore. Let go, sorry, i cant. :(

Day #165: Mistake.

Went for undang talk today. It's freaking boring. Especially when i slept late the previous day. I was "fishing" the whole day. Embarassing. HAhaha. Especially when im without my phone, crap. 2 weeks, for my phone to be back. :'( Anyway, MU had an epic game. HAHHA. Like seriously. It's interesting anyway. But the jerseys really annoy me. I hate that jersey, for real. D:< There's a reason why i prefer not to talk at times. Everyone has their own limit, i've put mine lower and lower because of you. I lost my ego, my pride. But I did not regret anything. Cause it worths, i think. People said, sometimes, things you think that still have hope, its actually pushing you towards the end, while sometimes, when you think it's the end, there's actually hope behind the end. Relationship doesnt happen because of the strong vows or promises, but just the two individuals that have strong will to be simply together. I dont know when am I going to meet the super dooper Mr Right, but actually all I want is just someone that Im willing to fight for. Everyone says I deserve better, really? What if i think you're the best? It doesnt change anything. Cause I know you wont fight for me anymore. Probably you even fall out of love with me. :'( No one will know what an individual is thinking within himself, like how no one knows what im exactly thinking. That's why I dont judge you. I have limited strength. I've helped what i could. But you just dont understand. I just want the way that you will not suffer yourself throughout the lifetime. Cause I know you are, even you say you're okay. Prolly Im wrong. I dont know. Is loving you a mistake?

Day #164: Christmas.

Christmas is a very merry day. It's supposed to be a joyful, happy day but it ended up kind of quiet to me. Hahha.

Dear Santa,
Did you lose your way to my house? Is it because i dont have a chimney at home? Will you stuck in the chimney cause everyone said you're fat? Christmas must be a magical day that makes all the kids around the world to be happy. I've been on Christmas mode for quite long. Im happy to see people around me to be happy. No matter what happened, Christmas may just give you another hope to live on. Cause I believe it's magical. I was thinking is the fairy's existence real? Can she just waves her wand and makes everything to be smooth in my coming years?

Are you happy right now? Are you really okay with your life? You must be very happy right now. Cuddling her under the mistletoe? People said it's a really romantic thing to do. HAha. I think about you all the time. But why? Why am I caring for someone just doesnt even remember me and enjoying his happy time with his girlfriend. That is really a sensitive word to me. Just because I dont like her, Im serious. I dont think she deserves anything like this. I just dont understand many things. Im holding it not because im stubborn. Just because I cant see you in this kind of condition anymore. And you'll just tell me to let you go? Any person who hears that from the person they care the most, sure understand that pain. :) I miss you and I love you. Thank you and Merry Christmas. I was waiting for your message but it's okay, I should know. Guess you're happily with her. Hmmm..

Day #163: Christmas eve.

Dear Santa,
I have a wish list for this Christmas that I dont think I can fulfill. Would you like to give me a helping hand for this Christmas.

1. I wish my dad is here again.
2. I wish the person I love will love me again as if it's the first time.
3. I wish the person I love will be there for me no matter what's wrong.
4. I wish everyone will be happy. Happier than me.
5. I wish to be happy.
6. I wish I can delete all the memories I had for this entire year.
7. I wish my friends can smile everyday cause they all deserve the best life.
8. I wish all the above can come true.

Nothing will come true, I know. Im just hoping again and again. I have the Christmas mode on and was hoping for your message. Just hahaha. Stupid. The moment when you said bye so fast, I just know that how much you didnt like me. I tried my best to give the best impression. I wonder, do you remember me or you're just happy without me? Maybe the second one. >.< I was reading my own last Christmas post. I was wishing for all materialistic life, and this year's, I just want you, for all. Is that greedy?

Day #162: Deserve.

Did i do anything wrong in the previous life? Was I a killer? Am I a bad person to deserve all this? Ever since I was young, everyone keeps saying they dont like me. Is it real? Even my own parents didnt like me. If you all really dont like me, why did you want to give birth to me? Why do you want to give birth to me and scold me that Im not your daughter? Do you all even know how it feels when you hear your own parents to say that? Ever since you're young. From the day everyone started to say that, I tried my really best to be the best daughter, best girlfriend, best friend, best person I can. Maybe im not the best, but i tried my best. I really did. Everyday I suffer so much to get things over. Since young, I cried and cried due to people disliking me. Being hated by sister from the moment i was born. Being scolded by father not his daughter just because of a small thing. Being scolded by mother because of  father "disown" me. Being betrayed by best friend. People threw money in my face just because others talk bad behind my back. Being left out for the next few years. Being forgotten by everyone. I know I dont have the worst life to cry over. I have good things happened to me too. But do i really deserve all this every year? Does anyone actually feel how hurtful it is deep inside me? Crying and crying, who knows? It's not that i dont understand your feelings, mum. I do. If not, I will not always think about you when im anywhere. I will not hide myself and cry in the middle of the night, silently. I will not try my best to laugh and smile in front of you. Cause i dont want you to worry. You dont have to tell me again and again how dad hated me even how hard I tried to be the best girl. You really dont have to. I know your feelings. But why cant you see that im actually in pain too? Not only because I lost my dad, my studies, my own life. I did not tell you anything just because I dont want you to worry. Do you actually know that I cut myself before and how badly I feel like dying? Do you know the only thing that pull me through everything is you, just because I dont want to see you worry? And you say I didnt understand your feelings? I see what you've been through. But who really knows exactly everything I've been through in every way. Im really tired to always be the person who tries to be happy. What do you think when i see other family so happily going out together for a family day? Ever since I was 12, dad never brings me out anymore due to the sickness. How I wish there's one day that the whole family can go out together? Primary school time, there were moments like this. But do you think I remember anything like that? I dont have any memory like that. I just wish there is one day for me, that my dad can actually hold my hand and walk around the shopping mall with me. Even he hated me, but i have the best memory of him. I also tried my best to be the best daughter for you and try to help you everytime. I know sometimes Im lazy that I didnt do. I know that's my fault. I really try my best to be the best person. And i wish i can be rebellious for a moment, to forget all the responsibilities. I wanted to call you so badly, but I know I cant. Everyone I love, just doesnt love me the same way. Do I really deserve to be treated like that? Do I really deserve to be scolded like that? Am I really that bad? Maybe I am. If I have enough guts, I would have die immediately. But I know it will also be a torture to her. But Im tired of being the good person. That people think it's okay to put things and pressure on me again.

Day #161: Bad day.

Everything just dont go well. Steph leaving soon, so we went out with her for farewell. Brought my phone to service, everything gone. All my apps, all my messages, gone. Nevermind, but it's not fix yet!! Went for lunch, and that place is a freak! Expensive, not nice, and unhygienic. Wrote this little letter for steph. I was actually crying when i was writing. Everyone really is leaving me. Everyone that i appreciate. :( I dont know whether you're the right guy, but definitely you didnt try to be my right guy. I always believe you are. Hmm.. After you went back, i should know that i will not have a second of yours. You wont think about me anymore. Wont try to talk to me anymore. Wont try to message me anymore. Uhhh.. what am i thinking? Maybe it serves me right. Should be so. You're happy right? :) Maybe im just the extra person. Always is. Please dont leave me. :'( Please.

Day #160: First day.

You're back to your hometown. You left. You must be very happy to see them again. Can you please not leave me? Why is everyone leaving me one by one? All of you are leaving me. You left. Dad left. Even Steph wants to leave. Please dont leave me like that. 3 months. You should have a lot of happy time with her. It's not what i can judge. I know i dont deserve to talk to you anymore. And i know you dont even want to talk to me anymore. Everyone comes into my life and leaves, just to make me suffer? See me suffer? Im tired of smiling. Maybe one day, i leave, people will start to remember my existence and appreciate me more. But after a while, i know i'll just be like ashes, people dont even remember.

Day #159: To You.

Everything i want to tell, i cant fit any of it in the card, and just hoping you'll read this. I dont want to be just friends. Everything i did, it's because i trusted you, i trusted my ability to change things. I dont believe in destiny, neither fate. But i believe in feelings. The feelings that i have, which never fade, i believe in them. I didnt expect myself to fall in love so hard, I really did not. You always wanted me to hate you, i dont know why. Despite everything you did, I never hate you. Telling truth, i was mad, i was hurt, i was lost, I just couldnt hate you. Maybe you didnt know, but im really not an ordinary girl that you know outside. How much effort i put through to make you awake, to make you stand up. All i get was just, "Let me go". That feeling, i feel like jumping down the building, and stab myself at the heart before jumping down. Before today, I told myself, never cry. Dont cry in front of anyone. Anything, just try your best to smile. I smiled and smiled. But i really cant take it anymore. How long more i still have to pretend to be okay. Everyone asks me to not think, it will be okay. How will it be okay? When you know everything is going to the wrong way. I know every decision has no right or wrong. We have our own perception. You made your choice cause you think it's right. Fine. But why didnt you want me to go through with you and take it all to yourself? Do you know the heartache when you're trying to pretend you're okay in front of me? In front of me, you have to pretend? I dont want to let you go. I dont want, but do i even have the chance to choose? Why am i not given any chance to choose and you're deciding everything? Im not satisfy at all. Not even a little.

Day #158: True.

Third day of finals, and i think i screwed up my algebra paper. Pfft. I cant remember the formulas when i get into the hall. :( Crap. Tried on my new shoes today. It hurts me so much. :( Got 2 big blisters at the back of my heels. So pain. :( Does it mean a bad day to me? :O I wish it's not. Everything goes wrong around me. Even my own body. I feel so heaty on the face but I was shivering from coldness. My sister actually said my face is red due to the heat. I did not stand under the sun, but i just have no idea where the heat comes from. Weird body. I have to promise myself, no matter what happen, dont cry, at least not in front of anyone. My friend actually realise that im sad even through the computer. I dont know him long, but he said it's really easy to read me. If im that easy to read, why no one actually willing to spend time to understand me? :( I know my face, it's not the typical face that guys will spend time on. Your existence is so important to me, cause you're the one and only person that willing to spend time to know me. I really appreciate everything. I really do. That i actually thought of my future that have you inside. The puzzle will not be complete anymore. It may seem like a dream to anyone else, but it was real. I really thought it works. Till this moment it's not that i cant get over anymore. I learnt to ignore. Anything, i'll just tell myself to smile. No matter what's wrong, after smiling, everything will be okay. Sometimes you dont need anyone to understand yourself. At least not for me anymore. I just rather keep it to myself. I just want the ordinary guy, back to my side. The guy that i used to know, the one without any responsibility and able to make his own decision. Stop, Dreaming, Yung. I hope my love is true enough for you to feel. :) I fall for someone that out of my expectation, and that's the magical thing.

Day #157: Baby.

Saw this Christmas M&M Advertisement on tv. HAhha. It's a very cute advertisement. " Santa does exist?!" 2nd day of exam is over. The questions are unexpected. I feel like we're actually re-doing our tutorials. There's a few question that i dont know how to do though. Hope others can cover up the total marks. You were sitting at the same row as me. However, it's never near. Hmmm... Not even a bit, but it's okay. I've learned to ignore the surrounding. No matter what people say or think, no matter what i found out, no matter how well you treat her, I will just stay at the back and look. I will not fight for anything, I wish. I wish i can even fight for a little bit. I really wish you can be here with me. I really wish so. I hope you change your mind, which i think will never be. Ahhhh. Nevermind. Good things never come to me. :( I'll just love you silently, quietly. Loving someone is never easy. When Carr was telling me about Elven and her, i was laughing, but deep inside, im really jealous. Im really really jealous. What can i do? :( Can I still call you baby? :'(

Day #156: Fear.

It's the first day of finals. One day nearer to the end of FIS. One day nearer to the day im not going to see you anymore. One day nearer to the day that we will once again be a total stranger. I dont know to feel happy or sad. I always wanted FIS to end earlier because this has been a hard year for me. But im also afraid of separation, with friends, and you. Im always scared when you go back to hometown. I know i have no reason to be scared anymore, but im just afraid. Humans' biggest fear is the fear to change. Myself, im really afraid of things changing. People said, no matter how you dont want things to change, it will still change. Is it like how your feelings towards me change? I didnt know that we need a very big courage to say "I love you" and mean it. I always wanted to tell you that, but i know i cant. Im afraid people will say im the intruder to destroy people's relationship AGAIN. But the feelings i have, are real. It reaches the level until i rather dont talk about it and smile than crying over it in front of everyone. After crying, they say feelings will be gone. I cried. But it's still there. Till the limit that i want to just hide it and pretend nothing happen. Hmm.. Isnt it pathetic? :( Anyway, chemistry paper tomorrow. Have to score enough to get A. Im determined. :) God bless. Good luck too, dear. :) Ohhh. And highest condolences for the victims in Connecticut. May you find your innocent life with God, beautiful kids and heroes.

Day #155: Exam.

Final exam for 4 days. Gosh. Really stress out. :( I went to uni alone to study today. I ended up trapped in the study room for 8 hours. Didnt even take lunch. Not in the right mood. :( Stressssss! Just believe i can do it. I can do the papers. I studied. :/ Blahhhh. It will be fine, I hope. After coming back from uni, still need to do the scholars things. Used up my night. Zzz. Taylor's scholarship isnt easy to take. The way you pay back, seriously. -.- I watched this inspiring, motivating show. They were interviewing this Denmark citizen. She wants to be a photographer. It's not a job which is very well paid. Her family supported her. And they said, to the interviewer, the true happiness comes from the courage you have to fight for your dream and make it true, face it with positive attitude. It's so true. I will not regret in studying food science. I choose that. My ambition. :) I never think about anything and choose it based on my interest. And im lucky my dad did not stop me, though he doesnt like me studying that. Thanks, dad. :) I fall for you multiple times, you? :)

Day #154: Smile.

Smile, its been a lot of times I use this as my title. I keep convincing myself to smile. No matter what happen, just smile. Today, I even comfort my friend, telling her, if i can smile, why cant you? But when i tell her that, i have this weird feeling in myself. Am i really happy? I really dont know. Am i fooling myself? I had so much to pull through everything. I wont say im tired anymore. Tired will just be an excuse for me. There's something you can also hide deep inside your heart, but you can never have it in your life. It must be really lucky to have something you love so much in your life. Im not trying to be greedy. Im satisfy with what i have now. I know life goes on. I just wish you're part of my life, not only for that few months. Haha. Yung, you shouldnt ask for more. Be happy that you're still alive now. :) I'll just keep everything to myself and see you from behind. :) It's more than enough. It is. Be satisfy, yung.

Day #153: Study.

Went back to Taylor's today. Saw Carr and studied with her. I kept talking and talking, non stop. I hope Carr didnt get annoyed. :( Ohh. And I bought scramble egg which i craved for so long. Finally get to eat it. Im a happy kid. :3 I wonder, if i fall again, will you catch me? :( The problem is, i havent even stand up from the first fall. :( What's the feeling when people lie? Sometimes, when i realise you lie, i know you lied for the relationship's good, but i prefer being honest. I just realised another of your old lie. Nothing big, actually. Just kind of affect me little. But im all good. And i dislike Kpop now. Excluding 1 particular group, or maybe person? <3 Anyway, I did my IC today. Crap. The photo for it always sucks. I purposely wear collar shirt and you asked me to wear the big coat cause my shirt is white? :O I dont like it. Still have to.

Iloveyou. :'(

Day #152: Owhh.

The best relationship is not any planned, long distance relationship. It's a relationship that is true even after years, it will still feel like you just fall in love. Isnt that special, amazing, wonderful? :) Not everyone in this world get their so called true love. It's something you cannot miss when you meet one. Anyway, i read a lot of life quotes that really inspire me.
“It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
“Your fellow man is your mirror. If your own face is clean, the image you perceive will also be flawless.” ~ Deepak Chopra
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
“You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing.” ~ Dale Carnegie
I didnt really study today. I was really unwanted and asked to go aunt's house today. I thought i can study there and brought my whole bag pack along with me. The moment i reached, my cousin dragged me along to kl to walk around. It's not that it's wasting time, but if i can choose, i rather stay in Taylor's for the whole day. Still spent time with cousin. :/ And i realise, im really getting fatter and fatter. Pfft. Hate that. Does it mean that i cant eat anymore? :( Ahhh. Who cares. Still gonna control myself. Pfft. Life..

Day #151: 12.12.12.

I dont know why, but i think this picture is really cute. I wish i have relationship like that. HAHA. Today is the last repeating date that we will ever see in our life. I have no idea how special it is. Somehow, im happy today. I dont know whether you are happy, but i am. :) I was still bugging about working alone and i saw you. I know i was smiling deep inside myself. As usual, miss dad so much. Talked to mum today also. People say, the first time is coincidence, second time is accident, third time is lucky. Mum said, if people have to undergo surgery, they will usually go for 3 times only. Cause there's this saying, nothing or no one can go through bad things for more than 3 times. Theres also this saying, the first time people meet, is coincidence, second time is just lucky and third time is really destined. I dont know. It's all just saying. :O Saw your smile today, and it's really nice. Wish you can smile more everyday. :) Smileeeee.

Day #150: Lonely.

I admit. I get jealous so easily. Or maybe too easily. I just fail in controlling myself. Hahaha. Stayed at home to study for the whole day and i'm really not that kind that can stay at home and study for the whole day. I have to at least move around for a while. I studied. Quite a lot, but it's just boring. Working tomorrow. Oh god. Gonna be alone. :( I think about a lot of things. Like a lot. Hahahaha. But what to do? Life goes on. Im bored in dealing things around me. I keep on dealing with it but it doesnt seem to have any difference. 5 months, and i struggle every single day. People may look down on me. Freaking 5 months. I really hate the feeling being alone. I mean, it's okay to be alone, but not okay to be alone when you have this little space reserve for someone that wont even care about you. Im just being stupid again and again. Putting all my maximum efforts in everything i do. Never stop to believe. :) And smile.

Day #149: Disappointed.

Im really disappointed with my own assessments' marks. Pfft. It's not really bad, but not good either. But i know i get what i deserve. I understand, though im disappointed. I didnt do really good. Have to add in extra work for finals to back up everything. Beside, im really pissed at certain people who are so selfish. So pissed off. Pfft, it's okay. Nevermind, just do my best for all. A real relationship, when two of the people love each other, they will not get tired of each other. How hard is the circumstance, how people want to tear the couple apart, they will not ever complain and really fight for each other. They will not give up on each other just because how the surrounding pressure them. Tired is not an excuse. Never get too close to anyone, cause they will know where is the exact place to hit to let you completely down. By that time, they dont even need to do anything, you'll be completely down to them. Am i bad? Is it all my fault again? :( Hmmm...

Day #148: Boo.

Where are you now? :'( Aihhh.. It's okay. Nevermind, as usual. Today, is quite an unpleasant day. It will be alright. Smile and smile and smile and smile and smile. Everything will be alright. Hehehe. :( Hide every tears behind, and put on the smile. I know there's no point doing anything. Still hoping the best for you. I know you understand the condition, but you arent getting up. :( Just wish everything will be alright. Hahahaha. So many wishing and hoping. :/ But im not greedy. :P Love you. :)

Day #147: Smiley.

Actually, because of of some reason, i had quite a bad day. But i did something good that turned everything around. Worked for open day. Unexpectedly, im the team leader for foundation booth, which is the most "popular" booth among all since SPM just finished. Leading the awesome team was really cool. That people are funny which made the whole process not so dull. Feeling really good. Did 3 campus tours, which i dont even know why i volunteer to do it, probably because of the responsibility and dont want the others to tire themselves. But it's really tiring. Did for architecture, FIS and also ADP. I dont even really know where's all their rooms and Lecture theaters, so i just bring them around which i think those are the places. HAHA. Then went out with sister for a while. When i went to toilet, i met this bunch of people. I paid to enter, but they're still standing at the counter with a confused look. They are foreigners. I dont understand how much they need to pay to enter. I told them but they couldnt understand. I told again, but they said they have no coins or small changes. They looked so frustrated. Ended up, i paid for them. They thanked me and i was so happy that i helped someone. Im really tired that i fell asleep right after my shower. But it's fun after all. :)

Everything will be fine. :)

Day #146: NMA.

There's a reason why i love this movie so much. "The notebook", im even loving the novel. I dont know whether i will have a relationship like theirs, the challenging, long lasting, unbelievable one. I just want the special one to always be by my side. Not asking more. But i get that point when things dont always go in our way. I know there's no point for me trying so hard to help when i know you dont even care. Do you understand the feeling why i even want to try after so long? I know if you want to change, you changed long time ago. I just dont believe in fate, or destiny. I just believe that i can change you because of what we've been through. I hope im not wrong, I have no idea why am i still searching for your back out of the big crowd when i know i shouldn't. I'll have this happy and calm feeling after that. I should stop doing anything to make things worse. Your choice, still. I've been working for NMA since tuesday. About one week working there. It's a real good experience but it's tiring to fit in time to work when finals is around the corner. :( But we did it anyway. Working for open day again. Two days gone. Pfft.

Day #145: 1 month.

It's been a month since dad left us. A month. Time flies, in a glimpse of an eye. I miss dad. I dont have dad for a month ad. I wonder how is he. Can he hear me? Can he see me? Does he miss me as much as i miss him? I talk to him everyday about my life, without knowing whether he can hear me. I want to touch his hand, hold his hand, but his body had became ashes which we dont even know which is which part. I know dad didnt like me the most, but i know no matter what, he loves me. Dad, you've been through a lot. I just wish you can find your own peace now. The peace and harmony that you always crave for. Everything happened, put me as this person. I will not say im strong. Just a person who had been through a lot to put on this smile. I know what i had was nothing when someone out there might have experience more than i had. But please dont compare me with other people. It's very tiring. Everyone has their own problems. Some can accept the biggest challenge and some cant even face the failure. Im doing my best in all i can. I will not give up on what i had been holding on. People can say im foolish, but i will not. Because i know, one day, which i dont know when, you'll stand up for yourself. I just hope it's as soon as possible, which is a really small chance. Miracles will happen. Besides, I will not online as frequent anymore except for blogging. Maybe im running away from the truth, but i just dont want. Too many to accept. Let everything stays at what i remember. *Missing all my love ones including you* >.<

Day #144: The vow.

It's my second time watching the vow. Once upon a time. Everything was so beautiful. I still remember i said I have to watch this movie with you together. "I vow to help you love life.." Sometimes, we really cant control what will happen in the future. There might be chemistry between us. But you wont know where the particles will ended up at. The more you force it, it re-bounces even more. You might make the particles to move closer, but they might not collide. What we can do is to wait for the next collision. We will never know when, it might not happen, but there is also the chance for the collision. I wish it happens between me and you, for another collision. Probably im just thinking big and dreaming again. When she lost her memory, she was having a hard time, but who knows, the guy is also having a hard time to make her fall in love with him again. He waited for her, no matter how long. How hard it is, he did not give up on her, beside hoping her to be happy in every way. For me, im not that good. I cant do anything more. I dont know whether what i did was it extra, but all i wanted is you to not regret your life. I cant do more. I want you to be happy, truly happy. For the truth, i really miss your smile. The smile that made me fell for you last time. I see you smiling all the time, but i know it isnt the same as the old one. Neither i have. Dont lose hope, they said. I wont lose hope in my life, and so i believe in miracles. I hope it happens between us, somehow. Everything worth a try. If you dont try and take the risk, you wont know what you really love.

Day #143: Loved.

Hmmm.. Just 2 more weeks, everything will come to an end. I think i will miss you so much. :/ The terrified, afraid moment is going to strike again. It still has to come anyhow. I just hope you remember what you had promised yourself. Nothing is easy, really. When your life is too easy, you just gain no experience. I hope all fight and effort at least worth something. I know i cant expect things to change just like that. I know no matter what i say, it wont change anything. Live your life, be yourself, stop fooling yourself. Im not being annoying, but be a responsible person. I dont know what else i can do for you. Whenever i think about what im doing, i'll be really depressed. I do all these because i love you. But when i know that you dont, anymore, it's just doesnt seem right. But i just cant leave it like that, i swear i will not give up. I really dont know what else to do, instead keep hoping you'll make your decision as soon as possible, Live for yourself. Love what you love. Do what you love. Dont carry everything on your shoulder when you cant even afford it. You may think that, youre okay and youll carry on with what people planned. One day when you meet failure, you'll collapse. From outside it might be okay to everyone, deep down, you know yourself.

Day #142: Loser.

Im such a loser. I am. I should just stop worrying and live. Others dont even want me to care about their life, why would i even care?? I have no idea why am i feeling crappy the whole day. I was so depressed and i cant even study a bit. Damn. I think i made a really wrong decision. I did. I thought i was right, but now, i dont know anymore. Maybe all my effort just dont get agreed, appreciated. I just dont want to give up, but seems like you are. Years later it will be even harder. Hmmm.... Dont give up, please.

Day #141: My fault.

This is like exactly what i want to say to you. But i guess you understand. Just the "love one" is me?  Probably. In my point, the subjects are different. Hmmm... It's not that i can change anything. I think it's my fault to be busy body. As usual. People say, why he doesnt even care for himself and you want to care for him. If you ask me again, i really dont know. I wish i can just ignore. I dont mind people to misunderstand me. I just hope, at least you, just you to understand. Ahhhh... What am i thinking again?? I cant always expect you to understand me right? It's okay. I will be alright. I believe what i believe. The only way to make me feel better. Sounds pathetic, but it just works. How i wish, you can hold my hand and walk me on the street, shows how much you love me. :) Dreamingggggg. Yung, how hard it is, it's been 4 months. You know, its never an easy way for me. How much i struggled, just to let you realise. Everyone can say i didnt move on, i didnt grow up. But i know i grow stronger. I always wanted to die, always ask dad why didnt he bring me along, every night crying myself to sleep. Life like that for 4 months. I dont know how long more i can take. I just dont want to give up on you. I wish i can just go and let you realise what you lost, but i just cant leave you alone. Why am i so weak? :( 

Day #140: Futsal.

It's really late now. I just came back from futsal game. AHHAHA. Had a nice-awesome-amazing-first-ever-fantastic futsal game. I fell on my ass a lot. :( And i have a really big bruise on my thigh. Ouch. Today is like a sports day for me. Morning till evening for golf, Night, futsal. Hahaha. Niceeeee! I love sports, no doubt. Heard that Manchester is playing tonight, but why astro no show? :( Im sad ad. I think im more to a boyish person now. :P I dont mind being accused anymore. You wont understand how the heartache is. When im trying my best to help you, and believe in you, you doubt me. Hahah. No problem, sure. I will just keep on holding it, whether you appreciate me not. I really did my best and i just dont want to give up. If i really give up, i dont know what will happen to you. However, i dont know how long i can hold on anymore. If sorry can help you, i would say a thousand times. If sorry can help me ease my pain, sure, thanks. But no, you didnt trust me. That's the biggest pain i have. Excluding whatever else you did.