Day #100: Wow.

Wow. It's the hundredth day. I dont know what to say. I hate dragging myself in this condition, and yet, i cant completely pull myself out. Falling makes me weak, true. But will not be the excuse for me to back down. Its been a long long time, and i dont want to give up just like this. Ive hold on for so long, thats it. I dont give a damn to the surrounding anymore. My life is miserable cause i made it so. And i will stand on my own to show everyone how strong i can be. I know ive been saying this for so long. And i cant really do it. If i cant do it all at once, i'll do it bits by bits then. One day, when im completely over you, i'll be standing there laughing at myself, for falling for you, for everything i did for you, that doesnt even worth it. I asked myself, did i try my best in doing everything? For the old me, i will just say, no, i could have do it better. Now, yeah, take that. I did my best, you didnt think of appreciating it. It wasnt a mistake after all. Its just a foolish move of mine, to fall for you, so hard. It might be a mistake for you to date me and cheated on your little girlfriend, but get something clear, I DID NOT GET TOGETHER WITH YOU WHEN YOU'RE WITH HER. It's not consider cheating, mind everyone. There's a reason for everything happened. I accept my mistakes, my problems and fill in my bad. To be a better person. Everything is on the right way now.

Day #99: Appreciation.

Does everyone know how to appreciate life? I dont think so. Neither do I. Sometimes, a small little toy can satisfy a kid. A bread can satisfy a person's daily need. And we, the ones that dont even suffer from anything, complains about everything. Life is a bitch, yet, its fair. You did wrong, find your way to fill your sin, if not, you'll get the return. Somehow, at times, innocent people get involve in your problems. Probably, that's their return in some way. Those really innocent ones, just couldnt avoid it. All is in God's hand. I went back for etp again today. Was quite okay. Did the editing with Am, Tracy and Ervianna. I just realise how much my brother suffers to get a video done. Facing the laptop everytime. I really should learn to appreciate life and spread the happiness that i should have to the people around. I have a laptop. What else i can ask for. I have food. I have a smart phone. I have family. I have my daily needs. I get to be educated. I have everything. Compare to others, what else i can ask for. When i learn to pay off, dont ask for return. Not everyone serves you because they have to. They have the right to just leave you there and die alone, but because they care, they stay and take all your bad habits. Shouldnt you just learn to appreciate and satisfy with all you have? And i lost my red hoodie. Cool. -.- I dont want to live in your shadow anymore. And i will not. Dont lose hope for tomorrow. There will always have a chance to be a butterfly.

Day #98: Emily.

I dont know whats wrong with my blogger, seriously. And now, im actually using the HTML mode to post. Feel so weird. I couldnt use the compose mode to type. Its just annoying, yet interesting. Today was not really a good day, neither bad. Golf was kind of boring cause Wilson gor gor wasnt there. Just feel so weird that no one is disturbing me. But i still had a good time practising on my own. Sometimes, i wish i really can shut down myself. When i try really hard on something, the feelings just rush into me like nobody's business. I hate that feeling. I dont like it anymore. It annoys me. Everything related to you is just annoying, i wish. Im really trying so hard. Please just let me forget everything. I dont want a single bit of memory about you. It keeps haunting me again and again. I rather i didnt meet you before. Yung Yung, youre a strong girl. Youre a bitch. You dont care whatever that happens around you. You can just ignore everything. Please. He hurt you too much and doesnt even deserve any care from you. You know its hard, but you'll do good. When people dont even give a damn to you, just dont give a damn to them. You have something else more important to do. Your midterm result wasnt really good. Concentrate on that. It worths even more. In few days, i swear im going to be immune to all feelings. I dont care whether i can do it or not, i just have to. When you give in too much, people tend to hurt you even more. Im not sure what logic is that, but thats how it works in this generation. People are selfish. I have to learn to be one too.

Day #97: Blank.

I dont know what to post today. Went back to uni for etp. Had a great time with mates. Sometimes, i do praise myself that im able to walk this far. Even it took me so much courage, so exhausting, at least its working well. You dont understand how a little thing can affect a girl. You just dont. Its okay. I'll take in everything and let it be. I just have to remind myself, how hard it is, ive been through a lot. No one can come in and comment on my life. Good or bad, i'll take it myself. Im not good, but i'll be well. By that time, we will know, what im capable to do. Dont look down on what i can do. Sure it surprises you.

Day #96: Secret.

Today, we started the topic of reproduction. Ms Sri described everything in details. We are all 18 years old, it shouldnt be a big problem to talk about sex. But somehow, i feel disgusted when she was describing vagina. Due to some reason. I finally know that, what people mean by building your own joy on others' sorrow. Everything hurts. So badly. But it's okay, im well. I dont need you like how you ignored me. Since dont know when, we are not even friends. Just some strangers with memories. If i have a chance, I wouldnt want this kind of memories. Im trying to keep the best part, but everything, good or bad just rush in. I wish i have really short term memory and forget everything. You had your joy. Enough joy and you left. All well-planned. I couldnt blame anymore. What else can i say? Maybe i should just say, i met the wrong person at the wrong timing. Yeah. To anyone else, anything doesnt matter anymore. But you, yourself and me, clearly know what had happened. You can just pretend nothing happened, you wouldnt know how much pain i took just to satisfy your pleasure. Yeah, sure. You left after that. Im trying really hard to be strong. And i really hope people dont see me from their point of view. You all really dont understand what i had. Maybe one person out there knows. The hardest thing to overcome is that you have to fight with your inner self, telling her, you dont need him anymore. Everything that happened, is over. You love her. I cant care anymore. Im fighting myself over everything. When im doing good in everything, i just hope nothing interrupts. Shut down myself will be good.

Day #95: Life.

Life is like a bitch. It always brings you things that make you suffer. But if life didnt be such a bitch, how did we even learn? we cant even have an interesting life. We always screw up life, but its your own choice to whether stand up or keep that pain. It will be hard but no one guarantees its not working. Somehow, people need to always be responsible to their own decision. When you lose something because you made a wrong decision, take all the consequences. Im quite disappointed on your decision in doing everything. You should really learn to have your own life. Instead of blindly following everything was planned. No one knows what will happened in the end. Life doesnt always follow plans. It gives you strength after every failure. Its okay to fail, better than going back to the same mistake always, pretending alright. Sure. You can always lie to yourself that everything is alright.

Day #94: Grow up.

A person who wants to grow up can never depend on anyone instead herself or himself. For anyone who's reading this. I learnt this, cause i know if i want to get out of this shit, it's all about myself. Even how much my friends want to help me out, i cant depend on them, i need my own determination. To grow up, we have to go through all the fights. Even how much i didnt want to ignore you, but i know i cant continue being like this and waste my life. We all screw up life for some stupid reason, but as long as we realise the mistake, we have to let it back to the right track. No one can be blamed for the mistakes you did, but you have to know that it's never too late to fix things right. Im not sure whether im saying the right thing, but i know people cant always stay in mistakes and pretend as if it didnt happen, cause it happened. There's nothing as the best of the worst. Only there's the best or the worst. If you dont give in any effort, definitely you'll get the worst. God will not lead you to the wrong way. If you do the right things, you'll get what you want. I cannot say i've grew up completely, but at least, im learning to walk out your shadow. Im just hoping you to walk out of your family's shadow and do your own decision at times. Smile, to bring the best out of you. Positive things will only follow people with optimistic thinking. You might not know, someone out there needs your smile to move on. The best things in life are all free, the most worthy to me is smile. I dont have the best smile, pretty face, but i know smiling brings the best out of you. Its okay to do mistake, but you must know when to fix it right. I dont know what's wrong with me, but i typed out the whole story of myself. It's so hurtful, but it's okay. Process of growing up. You cant always go back to the old thing that you lost, its never worthy. Trust is like paper, once its crumpled, its never the same. Grow up, darling. Be a guy with the responsible to make decision.