Broken.

 Went Tarot reading today. Havent got anyone acknowledged my feelings ever since everything happens. The Tarot reader pointed out how terrible things were, how badly i was being treated, how did I not able to express myself. I dont know how. She asked if i want to let it go, or hoping things can be back together. I cant tell, I honestly dont know. I know I need to let go, but i dont want to. All I want is him. Despite she had pointed how annoyed he is with me, how much he dislikes me, and he already has someone hes interested in. I had no idea what did i do wrong, i really dont know. Im tired of being me. Im so broken in and out, that i dont know what else i can do. 

Love.

Only God knows how much i love you, and how much i didnt want to forget you. I know I can always just let things go and not think about it. I'm definitely capable to do so, but the problem is, I dont want to do so. Everyone has been telling me how terrible you are, how irresponsible you are, do you think i dont know any of this? But i didnt want to believe that that's what you really meant. I knew you loved me, i knew you reacted like this for a reason. I also know that, you no longer have feelings towards me, or even to care about me. Nothing about me actually triggers your attention anymore. I read through our messages last time. You were so caring, so loving, so considerate. Everything was about me, about us. But now, just one sentence, "I dont think we are compatible". But do you even let me try? I gave all in, and all i want is just to be with you, and only you. You just turned your back away from me, without any explanation. You have no guts to explain or even to talk it out with me. And yet, I will still be shameless to text you, call you, which i believe makes you feel annoying. Thats how much i want you to be in my life. I wish i can express myself better, tell you how i truly feel. But we are just not meant to be, i guess. I love you, Chung Loong baobei. 

我希望我终于学会了。还是很想你，朱侲龙宝贝。

Love that never be mine.

 A year ago, I got close with this colleague of mine, who is taken. At first, I didnt know he was taken. I thought everything was normal. We were so attracted to each other, until the day I confessed, then only he admitted he's taken. My heart sunk, and i didnt know what to do. By right, things have to end there, but we crossed the line. We were so in love. We were 14 years apart, but no numbers should define the relationship between us. Fast forward till now, we had finally separated, in a very bad way. I am so into you, that i didnt want to admit everything you did to me was hurting me in every way. From the person that will never even talk loudly to me, to the person that shouted at me because I waited for you. From the person that will always put me as priority, to the person that doesnt even read my messages. What did I do, that caused all these changes? I dont know. These things had lasted for 2 months, and yet I still held on to it, cause deep down, I still believe that you do that to me, cause you didnt have a choice. But then, I finally came to realise, if you ever love someone, you wouldnt want to do anything to make her sad or leave her alone. You drove away in front of me, when i was crying by the roadside. I've asked to meet for months, just to have a closure, and you find all your ways to escape. Up till now, I dont even know how we ended like this. Until the point I hate myself more, to be so annoying and disturbing. I love you but i cant do anything. I tried to be strong and just move on, it's not easy. I've imagined doing so many things with you, cause its you. But now, I'm really broken, and i finally see that, you dont love me anymore. If you do, i really dont know how could you do all those things to me, without feeling anything. Baby, how can we turn things back to normal? Is it even possible? Do you even love me before? Or you just wanted to sleep with me? Every single day Im suffering, but i need to look through that. I wish you were mine, but i know you can never leave her, and be mine. Love isnt that powerful, or maybe there isn't love. 

The incident that turned my family upside down.

12/12/2020, the day of incident. Received a call from my sister, saying my mum was on the way to hospital. She was covered in blood, and she looked weak. I stumbled and I did not know how to react. Immediately, I went to the hospital to wait for mum's arrival at the emergency ward. I was in shock, seeing my mum on the stretcher. I was lost. I didn't dare to even go close to her. I'm afraid that I might hurt her when I touch her. She had several cuts on her body. One right in the middle of her sternum, and another major one at the lower right abdominal. Total around 9 cuts. She did not shed a tear, or scream in pain. She is always so tough. Even though sometimes at home, she cried so badly just watching breakup shows, at this very moment, she showed how tough she is, and how strong a woman can be by holding on to faith. The will to survive and the determination to recover. She even signed her own papers for operations. 

Its been a week since the incident. She hasnt wake up from the sedation. There's a covid outbreak in the hospital, and we couldnt even see her once a day. The only thing we can do now, is to call hospital and get some updates. Sometimes, we even get scolded for being to pushy. But it's okay, as long as everything is under control, her readings are maintaining, she deserves a good rest for now. But please wake up soon, we miss you. 

Single.

Its not a problem for being single, of course, you have all the freedom you want. However, its just those times that you wish you have someone to talk to, to share things with. Well, I have loads of close friends that I can talk to, but its just different feelings, when someone that will be with you. Someone you can call as your soul mate, understands your problem even before saying it. I just miss those feelings to have that someone I can text to, especially when im stressed out. Maybe Im just being a bit desperate. :/

Ongoing inernship.

Just came across my blog, and realized that my last post was 3 months ago, before my internship. Things had been so tough and rough to me. Well, my decision, who else to complain. Everyday has been challenging, not because of the internship job scopes, but because of the amazing boss that does not think about his staffs. Of course i understand his intention as a boss, but I do not agree with his doing. All I can say is to be tough, strong and positive.

Internship.

Time flew so fast, that I soon need to go for internship. Honestly, deciding to go Singapore is not easy decision for me. It took a lot of courage for me to make this decision, to not care. I know food science is not an encouraged field in Singapore, it will be hard to even find a placement there. I expected too much, and when result did not turn out as I expected, I break down, and always attempt to hide from making all the life-related decisions. I guess, its really time to make my own decisions that changes life. I know tough times ahead, and I need to go through it, and grow stronger. I am on my own, I can do this.

Caption.

I'm quite sad that everyone is transferring to merchants and I have to stay in bb. Sigh. I totally understand why mum wants me to stay, and not let me go there, but I like there more,. I cant blame mum for being so worried, only to blame myself, why am I even so playful. I know, to her, I'm exposing myself to risks, but I dont think I will get any injuries or accident working there? There's more other people there. Thats why, im so annoyed and mad. But, what to do, will just see what happen later.. :(

Myself.

Currently in Germany, blogging about this. Kinda thought about myself abit after the lecture about perfect speech. I may look cheerful and happy from the outside, trying to keep myself happy, but I tend to have a lot of negative thoughts about others. Which sort of defeats me, and making me feel bad. I cant help to hate things that people around do. Even just a small thing and doesnt really matter to anyone. :/ I should not be so judgmental anymore. :(

Summer School

Will soon be leaving for my summer school trip. I was supposed to be very excited, but somehow the group of friends kind of demotivates me. Instead, I will miss all my working friends. No matter how tired I am, I dont regret working for Merchant's Lane. People showered me with love, endlessly. Im so blessed to have them in my growing years. I know I will not have similar chance anymore, but oh well, I have some experience that other dont? The only positive thing I could think of. Special thanks to Ken Tan and Jun. I cant imagine life in BB or Merchants to be the same without you guys. YOU ARE AWESOME! Another irreplaceable working partners. :3

The last paper of Sem 5.

I remember the last post was about how stressful is my Sem 5 and how I complain about people. Time flies, and its finally the last paper in 32 hours time. I really tried my best to study real hard for this semester, one thing is to prove that im able to manage my time properly, doing what i love at the same time. I must say, everything went so well. Of course, there were so many challenges in between, and look, I embraced them all and went through it. I believe, Im now having a better me, with a true self. Im really afraid of people discriminating me, thus, making me timid and dont speak often. I always say things wrongly, and people will start to discriminate me, in the way that, "you backstab me, i dont want to talk to you", but I was just telling the truth. :( Anyhow, Im glad for being who I am today. I need more improvement, I know. But oh well, we are all learning right.. It takes time, not too long though. Lets do this together, mates!

No shit given.

Life has been hard in Sem 5, due to all the homework, assignments and my part time job. I did not want to give up on my part time solely cause of one reason, it is the best time I could have in my entire week, everytime. I get to learn coffee, make coffee, talk to people about nonsense, being myself in a way. I honestly dont like to deal with all the fake faces and attitudes of the complicated people in uni. Why do you even want to fake? Just show what you like or not like. Taking it to yourself (in a good way) or faking it, doesnt make you look like youre a saint. Somehow, you just look pathetic to me. I 100% agree that I changed completely since semester 1 till now. Honestly, I dont give a fuck to anything anymore. If I ever worry about other people, when will I be happy right? I will not treat you mean or bad, if you didnt do anything wrong. No one is perfect, so do I. I can accept your flaws until certain extend. If you go overboard, I dont care anymore, as long as it doesnt really affect anymore. Even there are dramas in my working place, as long as I do my work, learn my things, have my fun, I dont see why people want to pick on me. I dont care about the dramas as long as im not involved. And I really feel better.

Friend-ship sinks.

So I had this "bff" 3 years ago. It was during my college year. We were so close, till people thought that we knew each other for years, even its just a few months at that time. We shared literally everything with each other. However, when we both started degree, due to different courses, we didnt contact as often anymore. We tried to have lunch in between classes, so that we wont lose our friendship. But things dont go as you wish all the time. It was still okay in the first two sems, since we have one or two mutual subjects.

Till the third sem, things werent going too good. Few times, I asked her out for lunch, to hang out, she didnt really bother, or even to give effort to show up. Few weeks later, she broke up with her boyfriend. She told me everything bad about him, and i started to dislike him too (thats what bffs are for right? :P). I believed every single word she said. I did, cause i trusted her. But soon, I found out, besides the bad things she talked about her ex, she was "kinda-flirting" with another guy. I was really angry, how could she even hide everything behind me and lie to me, in some way. I told myself, fine. Wait for her explanation. But wow, i was too naive. She didnt even bother to tell me anything, instead, kept saying the guy she was flirting with, annoyed her. I tried my best to keep him away from her, since she felt so irritated. And again, I found out, she was meeting him all the time behind my back. Fine. I dont even want to bother or give a damn in all her stories anymore. I was the last one to know that she was flirting the guy though, after i saw it with my own eyes.

Everyone thought, they sure will get together. A week after I found out, she is with another guy. SHE ANNOUNCED HER RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER GUY. FYI, there are 3 guys involved. And since her broke up, it was about 2 months only. Everyone's jaw dropped and started to ask me since when they started. Well, I, the bff, again, dont know about it. Hahahha. I started to hang out with her less, since shes always busy dating, doesnt reply texts. It feels like im doing it one way, without getting back any responds. I was really upset for one whole semester, asking my friends why is she doing all this to me, doesnt she appreciate our friendship anymore? All my other friends, asked me to just leave her alone. I still wave at her when I see her, just that i dont bother to stop by and talk more. I didnt even ask her out for anything.

After one whole year, finally her mum approached me. She asked me, is there any misunderstanding between both of us, why do I look like Im mad at her. Oh please, I dont even bother to be angry anymore. I was so disappointed at her. And, if she realize theres something wrong with me, isnt she supposed to approach me herself? Her mum, still dare to ask me to find her more often. If she really wants to keep the friendship, she can be the one making the effort to ask me out. Why am I supposed to be the one that approach her, when she can do the same too? I gave in way too much to maintain the friendship, she was the one to just stand there and do nothing. Now the mum is here, asking me is there any miscommunication. Jokes.

To avoid more dramas, I just answer her mum, there's nothing much, just everyone is busy with their own life. But she doesnt even know what her daughter did. Well, if she ever asks me again, I wont hesitate more to tell her the story. :)

Drama everywhere.

For the past one month, I've exposed myself to so many different things, hang out with different people. Till yesterday, I just realize, how complicated humans can be, even in just a small circle. I told myself, not to overthink, not to get involve in any troubles, just be myself, as simple as it can be. I found out that, ALL the girls working there are so freaking complicated and drama with their relationship problems. That made me slightly happy that luckily im not involved in anything. :P Honestly, I am someone who is quite busybody. I want to know everything single gossip. BUT, I dont want to comment or comfort anyone who is involved in it. -.- So much trouble. What if I said something not right? What if I commented what they didnt want to hear? Girls problem.

*Sometimes I wonder, where I got all the views from? o.o The number of views, surprises me at times. lol.

Ending 2014.

Basically, my 2014 neither that challenging nor interesting, its just a normal year for an ordinary girl. However, my feelings were much affected and depended on my friends within the year. I have to make some changes in the coming year, since Jean is leaving to Australia soon. Things have to be better. No one is going to wait for you. If you want to improve, you have to make the change. 2015 is coming, in 2 days. I'm going to be 21 soon. I have to grow up to my age. Honestly, I'm really contented with what I have throughout the year. What else more can I ask for? I got what I deserve, so if I want more, work more. Stay strong, improve more, girl.

Edelweiss symbolizes daring, courage and noble purity. :)

Mental Support.

Have been so stressed up recently due to finals. I'm kind of cranky and depressed cause I will have to sit on the chair for several hours to cramp everything into my brain. But it's okay. I must remember, things will be better. I can embrace and endure all the challenges and obstacles ahead. I can be a better person. I will be. I can just find some little things that able to cheer me up a little and continue my fight. There are some people who have to suffer more, or take in more than I do. I am lucky enough. Things are good. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. :)

Over-expect.

People who know me, I put friends as one of my prior. Recently, things have been bad. Maybe its just me over thinking or over expecting. But im really tired in pleasing anyone. I totally understand that theres no one asked me to please anyone. In real life, I just care about certain people a lot. I ranted to quite a lot of closer friends, but people dont deserve to listen to all my nonsense right? I still have to deal it myself.

I must tell myself, from now on, I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. I will bitch all the shit out. I can really act dumb at times, and im working this fine. I know I may have problem as well. But I really wish people can tell me whats my problem, and i can work on it, instead of just brushing it off.

Kay. Im gonna start being a bitch. Damn it.

Overthink.

I always put friends as my prior. I totally understand that the way you treat them, do not expect them treating you the same way. I think I'm expecting too much. It makes me really tired to care about what other people think. But I care about your thoughts means I really care about you, isn't it what a friend should do? I really couldnt focus much. I just overthink too much. I rather you tell me off that you dont like me, not happy with me, then expecting me to guess. Please dont pretend that you're okay when obviously you're not okay with me. It's really super creepy. Sigh. Usually, after writing a post, I would be better, but today, this seems ineffective. :( 

Release, i think?

Time flies. People grow. Things change. Everyone tend to ignore how the little things can be so important. I dont like people who are really pessimistic. Myself is also a pessimistic person. But I am grateful for what i have. I may not have the best thing in the world, but the small, lousy things are the best to me if I think it is the best. You really dont have to show all your emo post, emo faces everywhere. Thought that, youre the only person that having such trouble. I bet, people have more conflicts than you. Everyone has their own problem, dont do it as if youre the worst. -.-" I may apologize for how i think about you. But if I apologize, doesnt mean that you're right. I just dont want to lose the friendship, cause i know everything need toleration. I know you wont realize all these, but I will do everything to save things up, cause I cherish, even you dont.

BFF?

I have to be grateful. I need to cherish. I must appreciate.
But if I really feel uncomfortable, why do i still have to find excuse for you to make myself feel better?
It clearly that, things had changed. I have no value for you anymore, thus, you dont even find me?
I already tried not to think much. If it's not because that you dont have enough people, will you still ask us? I doubt so. Im so sorry. I know im wrong. But if i really not happy with it, you cant force me to smile in front of everyone right? Why do i still have to deal with all this shit? urghh.