Broken.

 Went Tarot reading today. Havent got anyone acknowledged my feelings ever since everything happens. The Tarot reader pointed out how terrible things were, how badly i was being treated, how did I not able to express myself. I dont know how. She asked if i want to let it go, or hoping things can be back together. I cant tell, I honestly dont know. I know I need to let go, but i dont want to. All I want is him. Despite she had pointed how annoyed he is with me, how much he dislikes me, and he already has someone hes interested in. I had no idea what did i do wrong, i really dont know. Im tired of being me. Im so broken in and out, that i dont know what else i can do. 

Love.

Only God knows how much i love you, and how much i didnt want to forget you. I know I can always just let things go and not think about it. I'm definitely capable to do so, but the problem is, I dont want to do so. Everyone has been telling me how terrible you are, how irresponsible you are, do you think i dont know any of this? But i didnt want to believe that that's what you really meant. I knew you loved me, i knew you reacted like this for a reason. I also know that, you no longer have feelings towards me, or even to care about me. Nothing about me actually triggers your attention anymore. I read through our messages last time. You were so caring, so loving, so considerate. Everything was about me, about us. But now, just one sentence, "I dont think we are compatible". But do you even let me try? I gave all in, and all i want is just to be with you, and only you. You just turned your back away from me, without any explanation. You have no guts to explain or even to talk it out with me. And yet, I will still be shameless to text you, call you, which i believe makes you feel annoying. Thats how much i want you to be in my life. I wish i can express myself better, tell you how i truly feel. But we are just not meant to be, i guess. I love you, Chung Loong baobei. 

我希望我终于学会了。还是很想你，朱侲龙宝贝。

Love that never be mine.

 A year ago, I got close with this colleague of mine, who is taken. At first, I didnt know he was taken. I thought everything was normal. We were so attracted to each other, until the day I confessed, then only he admitted he's taken. My heart sunk, and i didnt know what to do. By right, things have to end there, but we crossed the line. We were so in love. We were 14 years apart, but no numbers should define the relationship between us. Fast forward till now, we had finally separated, in a very bad way. I am so into you, that i didnt want to admit everything you did to me was hurting me in every way. From the person that will never even talk loudly to me, to the person that shouted at me because I waited for you. From the person that will always put me as priority, to the person that doesnt even read my messages. What did I do, that caused all these changes? I dont know. These things had lasted for 2 months, and yet I still held on to it, cause deep down, I still believe that you do that to me, cause you didnt have a choice. But then, I finally came to realise, if you ever love someone, you wouldnt want to do anything to make her sad or leave her alone. You drove away in front of me, when i was crying by the roadside. I've asked to meet for months, just to have a closure, and you find all your ways to escape. Up till now, I dont even know how we ended like this. Until the point I hate myself more, to be so annoying and disturbing. I love you but i cant do anything. I tried to be strong and just move on, it's not easy. I've imagined doing so many things with you, cause its you. But now, I'm really broken, and i finally see that, you dont love me anymore. If you do, i really dont know how could you do all those things to me, without feeling anything. Baby, how can we turn things back to normal? Is it even possible? Do you even love me before? Or you just wanted to sleep with me? Every single day Im suffering, but i need to look through that. I wish you were mine, but i know you can never leave her, and be mine. Love isnt that powerful, or maybe there isn't love. 

The incident that turned my family upside down.

12/12/2020, the day of incident. Received a call from my sister, saying my mum was on the way to hospital. She was covered in blood, and she looked weak. I stumbled and I did not know how to react. Immediately, I went to the hospital to wait for mum's arrival at the emergency ward. I was in shock, seeing my mum on the stretcher. I was lost. I didn't dare to even go close to her. I'm afraid that I might hurt her when I touch her. She had several cuts on her body. One right in the middle of her sternum, and another major one at the lower right abdominal. Total around 9 cuts. She did not shed a tear, or scream in pain. She is always so tough. Even though sometimes at home, she cried so badly just watching breakup shows, at this very moment, she showed how tough she is, and how strong a woman can be by holding on to faith. The will to survive and the determination to recover. She even signed her own papers for operations. 

Its been a week since the incident. She hasnt wake up from the sedation. There's a covid outbreak in the hospital, and we couldnt even see her once a day. The only thing we can do now, is to call hospital and get some updates. Sometimes, we even get scolded for being to pushy. But it's okay, as long as everything is under control, her readings are maintaining, she deserves a good rest for now. But please wake up soon, we miss you. 

Single.

Its not a problem for being single, of course, you have all the freedom you want. However, its just those times that you wish you have someone to talk to, to share things with. Well, I have loads of close friends that I can talk to, but its just different feelings, when someone that will be with you. Someone you can call as your soul mate, understands your problem even before saying it. I just miss those feelings to have that someone I can text to, especially when im stressed out. Maybe Im just being a bit desperate. :/

Ongoing inernship.

Just came across my blog, and realized that my last post was 3 months ago, before my internship. Things had been so tough and rough to me. Well, my decision, who else to complain. Everyday has been challenging, not because of the internship job scopes, but because of the amazing boss that does not think about his staffs. Of course i understand his intention as a boss, but I do not agree with his doing. All I can say is to be tough, strong and positive.

Internship.

Time flew so fast, that I soon need to go for internship. Honestly, deciding to go Singapore is not easy decision for me. It took a lot of courage for me to make this decision, to not care. I know food science is not an encouraged field in Singapore, it will be hard to even find a placement there. I expected too much, and when result did not turn out as I expected, I break down, and always attempt to hide from making all the life-related decisions. I guess, its really time to make my own decisions that changes life. I know tough times ahead, and I need to go through it, and grow stronger. I am on my own, I can do this.