Day #17: Feeling terrible.

Everyone just hates me. I dont know what i did, that makes everyone hates me. Everyone just likes to pick on me. Leave me, hate me. I dont like being ignored. I was just trying to care for everyone that i care, i didnt mean to be annoying. To everyone. I have plenty things to tell you, ask you, i just dont dare. I dont have the courage to know everything. I will just keep my own thinking. Thats all. Im tired. Really tired. I want you by my side, but it wont happen. I hate to stand alone being strong. I can just burst into tears. Im tired. Goodnight, people. Hate my everyday, especially those that without you.

Day #16: Hiding alone.

Not sure about whats the feeling of today. But pretty sure that myself fall for you more and more everyday. :/ Anyway, when i saw your status, kinda surprise and happy. :) But few seconds later, i think again, are you refering to me? I just have to stop thinking. Stop thinking. Urghhhh. However, you kept saying you want to be my friend, just friend. Quite hurt, but well, anything you want. :) By the way, please take care of yourself. Dont get sick. :( *Worried* Even how much i fall for you, I'll just carry my feeling, hold it aside and move on. :( To be a better me. Im so messy now. Just want the old yung yung back. The optimistic, cheerful, smiling one. :) I just have to hold on the trust that you still love me. I know you do. If your status really about me, Yay! You called me dear. HEHEHEHEHEH. Well, sort of happy about that for some time. :3 Hahha. Nice day though. :) Thanks. :) Take care of yourself, i know you're having a hard time too. :/

Day #15: Out of sudden.

The day started as usual, woke up in the wet pillow. Having so many questions and doubts in mind. Pretending to be alright in front of everyone. Sounds cool in every conversation. But im not at all. :( I sat in the car, thinking of you, didnt mean to. It just came into my mind. But the images that passed by my head, were you and her. Hurts me even more. How hurt it is, i can go through. :( However, i went out with family to have dinner and to get some stuff. A surprise call. Its you. :) To be honest, my heart beats so fast, faster than i can imagine. Even after the call although its short. :) That just makes my day. Cant complain more. Satisfy with that. :) So happy now. can sleep well tonight. HEHEHHEHEH. :3

Day #14: My fault.

Its all my fault. I ruin everything. I didnt mean to, i just want to help everyone to get their best. I even ruined my own relationship. Im such a failure. I cant even hold what i love. People around me. I dont mean to hurt anyone. Ive been talking to so many people, everyone just lost trust on you. I didnt talk bad about you. I just want to know everything. Did you love two girls at once? Do you care for her more than me? Do i deserve this kind of treatment? Did you think about her when youre with me? Why do you only know how to protect her? I dont judge you for what you did. But you dont look like youre doing it for me. Well, maybe you're not. You seem more cheerful than ever. Did i make your life awful or miserable? Sorry for whatever i did. I didnt mean in anything i did. Did i trust you too much? Wasnt it supposed to be like this? I trusted whatever you said at that time. You said you didnt contact her, i trusted you. But i dont know anymore, you can say whatever it is now. Sorry for what i did.

Day #13: Guessing.

Sometimes, guessing what you're thinking, i rather die. -.- I dont know what you're thinking. But as what i know, im just a blardy third party that interupted your love life. I wont doubt your love, but i actually worried that whether you love me alone when we're together or you did contact her or think of her? Im so terrified. I know we wont be together anymore, but just want to trust our love is so pure that involve only 2 of us. Not sure whether your status is about me. If i dont appreciate everything, if i dont love you, i can just run in or post something really irritating on your wall. Just dont judge me anymore, neither anyone appreciate what i did. I struggled for a month and what i get is just being told im a replacement or a third party. Am i not suffering? What you are suffering, i am having it too. So, we'll do it right. :)

Day #12: What a day.

I dont know why, but i peep you more today. I miss you so much today. Even more than yesterday. Even i know how im not supposed to. You and her just keep appearing in my mind. It really kills me. I hate myself, for loving you without hesitation. I cant just be selfish, nor good enough to let you go. :( I miss you more and more, day by day. My heart beats super fast when i see you, like we first met. Rather we did not at first. :/ I burnt my finger. I want to tell you. But think about it, why am i telling you when you dont even care. :( I really really want to tell you, but its just a finger. When i was sick during sem break, i didnt even tell you. Overall, it still doesnt feel right. I know how attaching I am, but if i dont care, i wouldnt be that. So, i wont apologise for that. >:( Well, youre not even reading. Urghhhh. Kill me please. -.- I cried again, for missing you too much. I dont know what to do anymore. Btw, i hate ppl that dont reply texts, especially those that started the conversation. -.-" And stop asking me to get over you, forget you. You have a slot in me. Even till I die. First love is the most thing. When you have a cut, it recovers, but it will also has scar.

Day #11: Imagination.

Second day of sem 2. Sstill cant stop myself peeping you. I peep at you every second that i have which dont make you notice it. So secretly. Im tired being strong. I have unlimted questions to ask. But i wont ask anymore. I rather let it stay unknown than to know the truth. Theres a reason why my "ah gor" said all the things. He is right at times and most of the time. I know im hiding and running away. But sometimes i wish to live in dreams. At least its not that cruel and torturing. Looking at you everyday, but couldnt go near you really killing me. I see how happy are you. I should be glad at that, but it makes me feel that youre living so well with her, without me. :/ At least you're happy. How hard i smile, how loud i laugh everyday, no one knows how i bleed under the mask. Its killing me. I just dont want any of you to worry about me and believe im strong enough. And stop the lectures. :( Carr introduced me a song, sad face smiley.
I just want to tell you what the lyrics about. Just send me a sad face smiley, and i'll make sure im there. "You got someone there who is going to text you back. You got someone there to call when you need a chat". " "Just tell me whats strong, we'll put it right." "Facebook me, BBM me, skype me, i dont care." "7am in the morning or in the middle of night, i dont care."
Im not sure whether others can do all these for you, but please know that im always here. I might not be the right person for you, we might not meant to be, but please trust me that i didnt fool your feelings, hope you didnt too. :/
* Every night, wake up in the wet pillow. Cause i dreamt that youre so happy and different with her. In my dream, happily. I wish i can go back to all the old dreams where you cuddle me and wouldnt let me go. Not anymore. Whatever it happens, its all dream, never a real thing. :(

Day #10: No matter what happens.

Well. I dont know what happen to me. The more you try to make me hate you, the more i love you. But i know nothing can happen anymore. I will keep all my feelings to myself. I love you and that makes me give you everything you want even how much i feel hurt. I wont judge anything of you anymore. I will rather keep it all to myself. I know i cant tell anyone this, cause they will definitely scold me for trusting you again. I dont know why, but some part of me just cant let you go. :/ Give me some space and some time to recover. Dont try to hurt me anymore. I dont know what else i can do. Hurting me again and again to make me hate you is the stupidiest thing ever. And the first time you posted the picture for you dad, second you posted it for her. So, dont say you post it to make me forget you. :) i know how to determine. Well, you made Carr to hate you for not keeping promise. And you said you regret, i really dont see regret in you. Dont blame me. Youre doing it to satisfy her. Even when we're together, you didnt. I understand you. Thats why i didnt say a thing. So, i try to understand you as well, hoping you to understand me. Stop touching my border. :) Dont say i dont understand you and making you tired. Think properly to say that. :) Cant speak much. Not qualify to do so.

Day #9: I feel so hurt, so betrayed.

Well. Just right before i want to update my blog, guess what i found? Someone broke his promise, again. Wow, such a beautiful picture. Sweet? Fucking hell no. Do you even consider how i feel? No, you dont. DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME WHEN YOU DONT ANYMORE. If you love me enough, you wont do that to me. You wont. But you did. First time, its a forcing. Second time, its not anymore. It just shows how loyalty are you. And you're not anymore. Go back to your sweet little fiancee. Shes a bitch. Fucking bitch.

Day #8: Nothing's gonna change my love for you.

You're back from Sabah. Remembering the last time when youre back from Sabah, I was there to pick you up. At Lcct. With Divya's assist. Haha. Wanted to give you a surprise since you're disappointed that i didnt send you to the airport. HAHA. Was a successful one. It will always be in my memory. The sweet one. That was the first time i sit in a car with you and you acted like a real man to do all the talking and let me sleep on your shoulder. <3 Lovely, isnt it? I still remember your face when you couldnt call me to inform me you're back. You were so sad and worried. <3 Forever remember that. Hahah. Uhhh. No matter how sweet it was, it will only be a memory. Thats not what i want. I dont even know when were you back. Hmmm.. Anyway, found music scores for our songs, "Nothing's gonna change my love for you, One thing and what makes you beautiful". Im going to practise it well. Very well. Cause thats the thing that reminds me of you. I just love you so much, wonder you can feel it or not. I dont understand, why do you text me first, and dont reply my text when i replied. Its confusing. Do you hate me that much? I miss you a lot. But i know you wont be there for me anymore, i have to go through everything alone. I dont like it. Really dont.

Day #7: I still miss you so much.

I dont know how am i supposed to feel, but i still miss you so much. Wondering do you still feel the same. Probably not anymore, but i cant control your feelings. The more you want to seperate us, the more i realise how much i love you. Even being lectured for so many times, cried for so many nights, I still cant forget you. Cant leave you. I just want you so badly. How many people asked me to give up, i just dont feel right to give up. I know you wont change your mind, but maybe you will consider a bit. I dont know what happen to myself. You probably wont give a damn anymore. I might not be able to go through this. But who cares, the one who is always alone. Hah. People said im thinner compared to before. Probably because of the stresses. As i said, i couldnt eat properly everyday. Cant even finish my meal. Feel so fail when people dont even care. Haha. Ironic. Fight for your future? You're not fighting at all, you're following it. A guy that cant even make your own decision cant protect your girl. Probably she doesnt need your protection. She has the whole family with her. Well, I prefer your protection though. No point speaking of me. I just want you so badly, need you so badly, miss you so badly. No one understands. Jeannie broke up, but hes there with her at least. You, keep hurting me and say its a way to let me forget you. Your intentions are good, but is it the way its supposed to? That will only let me know how much i love you. How much i can take just for you. Youre not seeing anymore. You dont need me in your life anymore. You're so happy with her now. Texting? Calling? I dont know. :/

Day #6: I trust my feelings.

Well. I trust my feelings that you still love me. You told me till the end, you still love me. Even how much you hurt me, how much you try to put me down. I know you fought for me. I trust you, with all my heart. Eventually, you might just love her, but i know, for once, we were so in love. :) Thanks for all the memories. I love them. But my last request, dont take all my memories away. Thats all i have about you. I love you. I wont give up. Im just letting go. I know you're so tired being against to your family. Im sorry. I dont know whether its my fault, but i hope its what you willing to do for me. You're tired. Youre tired to see me sad, tired to dissappoint them, tired to please everyone. Its okay. Remember im here to talk to you. Even you're not mine anymore. I just want to be friends. I can move on. Believing you still love me. :) Doing everything for me. Not sure whether you will read this, but please dont let me down again when you see this. Need your encouragement. :/

Day #5: Im sorry.

Im really sorry on whatever that hurts you. But can you please dont say i force you? It really hurts me. I did not force you through anything. I just asked you to choose wisely and i will respect your decision. And yes, i dont like her. But you still comment and like her photos, status when we're together. I told you dont ad, you still do that. We fought and so? What i did? Talk to her? No. I did not. I respect you. Urghhhh. Why am i holding all this to me when no one appreciates me? I really have to move on. And i still believe in any part of you, you still love me. And that will definitely keeps me move on. For now, i just dont want to lose connection with you. And really, please stop mentioning her to me. You think its the best way to let me forget you, but no its not. Respect my way of forgetting you. I will, in someday. Just let me be. And talk to me.

Day #4: Being ignored.

Well. Im kinda thick face to send you an inbox message. Hoping theres a reply. However, i got no reply. Expected? No. I will stay tough. I felt so terrible, sick, dizzy today. Really want to text you to tell you im not feeling well. But i cant let you crash my dignity again, since i know you wont reply to any of my message anymore. The whole day ive been thinking of you. Went Sunway Lagoon with Carr and Sherley. Trying to relese all my stress out. But guess what, everything that i have in my mind is you. Only you. Even on the slide, how terrified, how scared i am, i just want to shout your name out loud. And yes, i did. I know youre always in my heart. Maybe im not in yours anymore, but you always be in mine. And i feel really terrible after that. Its like, my brain just got dig off. But i cant tell you. I want to. I really want to. I hope you can ask me to take care myself or maybe sth like that. But i know you will just ignore everything that happens to me. How dizzy i am, i just think of you, hope it will be okay. Well, this will be a short post since i really feel sick. Like seriously terrible. Will you read this? *Finger-crossed, hoping everything goes well* Take care of yourself, anyway. I guess you must have a lot of futsal with friends, drink water. :)

Day #3: I wonder.

I still cant get over you. Please. How? Maybe deep inside of me, I just dont want to. You know youre against yourself, but still you dont want to change it. I cant speak for you. You have to the responsibility yourself. Remember, your parents gave you your life. But you have your own choice now. You're 18. I cant comment much cause you know, im no one now. Anyway, I really will respect your decision. Even how much i dont support. I really think they should respect you and your life. Maybe they will if you speaks out? Ahhh.. I just dont know. I dont know what happen in Sabah. Are you really going to minimise your will so much?? No matter how much i tell you that i miss you, i love you, you wont give a damn to reply me anymore. But please remember, I always love you. Im always here for you. I love you more than everything. :(

* Im still wondering do you actually miss me? Do you actually still love me? Do you still need me in your life? Will you still be here for me? Urghhhh. So many questions. But i couldnt ask at all.
* Something odd happen to me today. I remember last night, i was using my phone for twitter. This morning i woke up, i quit the apps. Return to homepage. The phone changed the wallpaper on its own. Really odd. The oddest is, it change to the picture of you that i used it as my wallpaper before. It really changed on it own. Is the phone trying to tell me something? Hhaa. Think too much. :/

I wish I can say I love you out loud now.

Hah.. Not sure whether you're reading, anyway I feel better so much now. At least you still text me, even you say i should let you go at first. Do you understand me why am i doing all these? I just want you to be here with me. But it didnt turn out well, i just hope youre always happy. Dear, maybe im not supposed to call you that anymore, but please understand why are you living. Is it really that you live for your family? Are you sure you're not supposed to live for yourself? Im pretty sure your parents will be the ones that be with you in your first half of your life and you yourself supposed to make all the decisions in your second half of life. You're smart enough to think, i guess. I dont want to just be normal friends but i have no options. Thats the only way to get closer to you. I wish i can say how much i love you now.

Day #2: Everyone is killing me.

Stop asking me to move on and stuff. Its killing me. I know no one will fucking care about me anymore. And someone who really wants me to get off his happy life with the fucking bitch, CYNTHIA CHARLES. Well. Dont blame me for calling her a bitch. She made herself one. I swear i did not selfish throughout the whole relationship besides asking you back. You can clean your memory, the part with me. Yes. Im jealous to see you 2 together. And what, do you have to crash my dignity and pride? DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ME? Dont say you love when you dont anymore. Do you know how to respect a girl? I gave all in to be with you, and what i get was just shits. I cut myself so many times just to trade your freedom, what else you want. I know i cant stand a minute not texting you, not thinking about you. Thats why i cut myself to remember i have to. The scars on it, i paid with my love and tears. Dont judge me when you didnt do anything for me beside saying "im doing the best for you". Im a girl. What do you expect? I was so in love with you and still i am. The difference is you dont anymore. From the second you posted the picture, you dont consider me in your life anymore. You forget everything we had. I want to move on too. i tried so hard. I just want you back. I cant, I'll love you from far then. What else you want? My life? Take that then. In your mind now, everything is just her. You dont put our picture when we were together, you think you might hurt her. And now, you dont have to think and just post it, didnt you think i will be hurt too?

Unbelievable reaction.

Wow. I cant even believe myself that i just unfriend you. I just did. I cant take everything that you post on it anymore. It really hurts me like hell. I just did. It hurts me more. I cant stalk you anymore. I got no connection with you anymore. We are totally 2 different people now. From 2 different world. Maybe you just dont care anymore. I thought you can consider my feeling a bit for not posting anything that might hurt me. But no, you consider their feelings first, even on facebook. I AM ALSO A HUMAN! I JUST BROKE MY HEART, CUT MYSELF JUST FOR YOU. Cant you just consider a bit? I hate myself now. Hate myself so much.

Day #1: Officially without you anymore.

Ive hold so long that i thought im doing the right thing. But actually no one appreciates what i did. I cut myself, forcing myself to know that you really dont want me anymore. Maybe that's what you want to make your family happy. Its okay. I dont matter anymore. I love you so much that i fight through everything, thinking one day you'll be back, one day you'll free of being controlled. Everything you want was just me leaving you. Even telling me lies saying you're engaged last week. I almost stab myself when i see that. You wont care anymore. Not anymore. I really got no apetite to eat anything. Crying non stop throughout my sleep. Woke up so many times cause i saw you and her in my mind. It was so frightening. Really is. Thats why i wake up and cry without waking anyone else. Crying alone. My heart seems being sliced into thousand pieces. My love to you is like a mirror, no matter how you break it, how it shatters into million pieces, you're still in it when you look. I wont mind, if thats the best for you. It took me alot of courage to make that decision. A lot that i cant even imagine. I let you go doesnt mean I'm strong. I just cant stand seeing you suffer anymore. Im sorry to make you through this. I thought there is still hope. Actually there is, just we both gave up. I hope you appreciate everything that i did for you, it really hurts me. Probably you think i didnt do anything and just annoy you. Theres a lot more else.

* I dont know how long i still have to cry, but please let me grow. I just want to see you happy. I just want to be by your side when you need a person. Im always here. I will never regret to love someone like you. With all my heart and soul.

Someone like you.

If youre reading this, Please go and read the lyrics of someone like you, by Adele. Its everything i want to say besides the finding someone like you. cause I know i cant. I just love you so much. And please, i wont give up, Jason Mraz. A Thousand Years, Christina Perri. I love you more than everything.

Day #8: Hoping you'll be back.

Its been 1 week since you leave me. Ive been lazing around with my messy life for more than a week. Really messy. Get scold from everyone, mum, friends and everyone. I just dont know what to say. And youre now happily in Labuan with her. So happy. HAha. TO be honest, it hurts me. Well, kinda deep. But i cant do anything. Just looking at it and look. Or maybe cry? HAha. Doesnt matter anymore. I wonder do you still miss me? Do you still love me? Do you still want to be with me? Probably you dont or maybe you want? Just cannot? Haha. I miss my boy. :( Its okay. When you said you love her, I was so confident to deny it, but i was crying at the back of the phone. So badly. :( You dont love me anymore. :( I wonder, how she introduces you? Her boyfriend? :/ And how you introduce her? Your girlfriend? Ive been thinking so many things. Do our memories even worth a thing? Do you still keep it when you asked me to delete it? I have so many question to ask, i just dont dare. I dont want you to hate me anymore. I know im too over to say im a replacement. But i really think that you are at that time. Maybe im just too confused. Tell me whether will you still be back to me. Please. I really hope you'll say yes. I love you more than everything. :( Maybe you will fight for me for the last time before you leave sabah? :( Urghhhhhh. I just want you. Thats all i asked for.

* Youre the best person. :) I love you. And stop saying you love her. Its all lies even it hurts me like mad. But i wont believe it. I trust you more than enough.
* I wonder your status "Feel so close", what does it mean? Is it you feel so close to her now? :( Sorry for being so annoying. I didnt mean to.
* Really got no apetite these days until i dont even feel hungry in the afternoon after my 8am breakfast. I didnt even finish my breakfast. -.-

Day #7: Hoping everything alone.

I wonder am i lying to myself, telling everyone, yes you love me. I hope im not. I want to text you, but obviously i cant. Are you really that determined to let me off? Do you know how suffering are my days? Crying non-stop? Even i know how crying cant help to solve problem. I just want you to be here for me. Its something luxury to me now. I dont dare to ask for more anymore. Only thing that i can do is to hope everything will be fine in this 2 weeks, and the past few weeks were just nightmare. most probably its impossible. However, I wish youre brave enough to stand up for the last time. Just one more time. I know how much you love your family. And how much you minimise my existence. I really feel hurt. But i will do anything for you. I will easily let go, if that is making you happy. But i bet its not. Do you have the guts? You told me you regret, and youre not doing anything, so you expect yourself to regret for the rest of your life? Or you expect the regret will go off soon? If really so, i got nothing say than saying myself is foolish enough. I love you more than everything, and hoping you feel mine too.

* Life is awful. Is miserable. Is pain. Ive experienced that. Its enough. I just want you back. Please. Please reply me, God. If you hear me.

Day #6: Crying all the nights.

Ive been crying for nights. Never have a good sleep. I just wish youre here to pat my head and tell me its okay. But i know its impossible, anymore. Probably, youre having the same problem. I love you so much that every morning i find myself crying whenever i miss you, i see no text in my phone. I hope we can go through this, together. Please. I know you lied to me, sometimes, broke our promises, but i dont care anymore, i just want you back. I wish i can get over you. It really hurts me. When people asked me, Are you sure he still loves you? To be honest, I hesitated. I really did. I just cant tell them you love me too. I really want to tell them, YES, HE DOES. But i dont know what youre thinking, i cant give them an exact answer. I wish you can tell me you love me too.

* Is there really no turning back? I wish there is. I hope you can consider a little bit more. Are you really willing to suffer in your so called marriage? your life? your future?
* Thanks carr for coming over. I know i got scold for several times because of missing you too much, but still. She did help me a bit. But i wont give up you. Your plan will fail. :3

Day #5: Im strong.

Finally you said your family is more important than me. Yes. Its supposed to. I thought im strong enough to let go everything, im cool enough. But actually im not. I just want you to come back to me. Is it hard? I know you love me. Why cant both people who love each other stay together? Please. I just want you back. Whatever you want to trade, i just want you to be by my side. I go through yesterday so hard. Pretending im okay. Forcing a smile on my face. It's just killing me. Do you know how hurt is my heart? I texted you, and you dont reply. I felt so aimless. So lost. You hope i will understand, then whos going to understand me? Its all my fault to fall for you. Why cant i just stay alone? Please, i want you back. Even to date you secretly. I dont need anyone's agreement. Just you. I need you. I want you. I beg everyone to bring you back to me, i can give everything they want, no one even bother to tell me. I wish you can just reply my messages and give me good reason. I just cant let you go so easily. I dont want to blame your family, but why cant they just leave you alone?? WHY? You told me you can choose your own wife. Yeah. Im not going to be your wife, thats why i dont deserve you. Is that right? Is it that way? I miss you so badly. I want you so badly. I want to call you my baby so badly. But i cant, anymore. Im tired to say im strong. But you know what, i will stay strong to wait you back to my side and call me baby again. I will. Just for you to come back. I will not let you go. Even how hard. I just dont wish to be here alone fighting. I wish you can show me how much you love me. Its possible to change your future. And you probably choose not to change it. Sorry if you feel offended. But youre not reading it. :(

* I didnt tell anyone before, but actually youre the dream guy that i always dream of. The one with perfect body size for me, buff enough, able to show im tiny instead of fat, handsome and most important, love me more than himself. You have all the above. Thats why i will not let go so easily. I know once i let go, I cant have you anymore.

Goodbye.

8930 messages deleted in 1 second. But how much of memories that are accumulated in those 8930 messages. <3

Day #4: Cheer up.

Im totally negatively charged now. Urghhhhhh. I just wish someone can cheer me up. Its a really boring holiday to me especially without your companion. I have like freaking a lot of hours to think about you. I supposed its a good thing and also a bad thing? :/ Hmmm. But dont worry. Im still here. HEheheheheheheh. I wish you can cuddle me right now, and tell me everything will be alright. I love you, like river deep mountain highhhhhh! Heheheheheh. Anyway, i thought of a lot of things. I sort of think about what we can do next time if we able to go through this. HAhaha. Not thinking big, just wish you can be here.

A few minutes after i typed the above things, you texted me. And i think youre giving up on me. :) I dont know what to do. Ha. :/ Bye.

Day #3: Standing up high.

It's the third day. Still didnt get any message from you. Hope its because you havent ask, and not because of im rejected. Haha. Anyway, I really cannot stay at home alone doing nothing. I will only keep thinking nonsence and rubbish. :/ Like today, I dont know why, i have this thought. Do I even deserve your love? Yeah. You sacrifice a lot for me. What i did is just keep complaining. Sorry. I really love you. But i know im just a burden that will makes you suffocate and tired. Do i even deserve to go near you? I hope im understanding enough. I really cant find a reason to leave you. It just hurts like mad. That's why im still here waiting like an idiot. Probably, youre having your good time without me. HAha. But i will still wait, until the day you really say you dont want me. People can say im thick face. But I will be thick face just to hold you back. I will. I will stand up high as if nothing happens and put on my smiley mask. :) Putting myself in a hope circle. Hope is a whisper that gives me strength while everyone else says no. I wish my small little hope really able to give me strength and let me go through these 2 weeks.
I saw Crystalle's video. She sang to her boyfriend. "I wont give up" and "A thousand years", which were once our songs. You said you wont give up on us and love me for a thousand years. I can see how much she loves him even to embarass herself. Her singing wasnt really good, but i salute to her guts. I wont able to do that. I dont even dare to think about it. Shes just proud of her boyfriend and proud of herself. Shes happy in the relationship.

* I should be catogorized in the "fail girlfriend" group. :)
* Nothing's gonna change my love for you. Whenever i hear that, I will just remember you and starts crying. Maybe we are not meant to be together? Anyhow, i will still hold on. :)

Day #2: Still missing you.

Its a really tired day for me. For someone who will die walking 4 floors had completed a 7km marathon, you call that miracle. AHAHHA. Had a nice outing with steph today. Also, Esther and Jiun. We never go out together before. So happy. We went lowyat, sungai wang and pavillion. Such a day with our really stinky clothes and walking around in KL. HAHHA. With our pair of cramping legs, hurt like mad. :( Haha. I know how much steph tried to cheer me up. :) Thanks, darling. But it's not easy to not think about him for 1 second.
In the lrt cabin, saw a couple. Im really jealoous. I just kept staring at them. I guess, they didnt realise, since they only have each other in their eyes. :3 Like how we used to be. I had my headset on , playing the same old song, staring in the sky from the cabin, missing you like hell. But no one cares. Nearly cry, but i hold back. I just have to wait. Its what im having in my mind for the past 1 week.

* Walking every corner in Bukit Bintang just makes me think about you. How we spent time together. Enjoy walking even just walking. Like how you waited me when i went toilet. No one will wait for me anymore. :/ HAHA. Probably you care for me, but dont miss me as much. Haha. Just enjoy your time. :) I love you.

steph

i love steph=) www.stephcsyanie.blogspot.com

Day #1

It's the first day you left me and back to your happy land, Sabah. Hahaha. I supposed youre having fun, futsal-ing, gathering with friends and meeting someone special? :/ You're now 102.4km away from me. Its so far, but yet, i hope our hearts are close enough. :/ I really cant stand a day not texting you, not seeing you. It's just so not right. But i will give you all the time you want, as you wish. Luckily, i still have my twitter and blog to express my feelings. I will try to keep my blog update everyday until the day youre back from sabah. It might turns out sad result, but as long as i give my whole heart to wait, i know it will turn out well. I know. Maybe i should say i trust you enough. I want to text you, but didnt mean to not give you time. Im just.. its okay. No one even care how i feel. haha. But i can tell, its pretty tiring. waiting for an impossible message. the first time you went back to sabah, you told me your time. call me before you depart and when you reach there. Now, I just hope to get a msg telling me your flight time. It seems impossible. :/ And what i got was just a "sorry. i need time." Speaking of truth, i really want to cry when i see that, but i cant do anything. It hurts. haha. No one cares again. :/

* i really really hope you read every of my posts. But its impossible. I will just wait. :)
* I wish your status is saying bout me. Im really not sure. It might be her. But i really want it to be me. Really really. :)

I love you, thats all i can say. Far away from you now. Haha. :D

Safe trip.

Hahahhaha. Its been days since i updated. Probably no one even give a
damn to this pathetic blog with such a fail owner it has. HAha. :/ I just dont
know what am i to you now. You told me, you love me, I know you do. But when i texted you, i really hope to get a reply. But you said you want time. Can you please dont lie to me? I hope im thinking too much. You said you fell asleep, on your facebook, it said you went for supper. Hahah. How funny? :/ It really breaks my heart. And you didnt even tend to give effort to explain it. Maybe you think im no one that needs to know about your stuff. Honestly, I still think myself is your girlfriend, the old attaching girlfriend. But seems like you miss your single life than me. Hahah. :/ Actually, you can just tell me the truth on what youre doing, if you dont want to reply, please tell me straight that im annoying, then i'll stop. I dont know what to do and just texted you, cause i thought there might be a slim chance, youre interested in my life. Hahah. Maybe not. But youve mentioned it, I will not disturb you anymore, You wanted your personal time, kay fine. I give you whatever you want, just dont lie to me. Thats all im asking for. I pretty sure, beside your love, i never ask for anything extra. No matter how much i complain, i will just stay alone to wait for you. Keep quiet and not disturb you. At the time, you said you'll fight for me, seriously i am so happy that i can even see the difference. At least i know you will fight for me. But i dont even know whens youre flight. I just hope im not thinking too much. i love you. thats all i know. :)

* the person that laughs the hardest, has the hardest experince behind
her. Is it apply on me? :3

Strength regained.

Finally, i get a message from you. Maybe to others, its just a message. But to me, its more than everything. That few messages really cheer me up. Even it's nothing about the 4 months or any about lovey dovey things. You are the matter. You wont know how happy i was when i received the message. I cried, tears of joy. Im not exaggerating. At the time that i felt hopeless and strengthless, your message pulls me up. Im not sure why you suddenly ask me whether im okay, probably because of the blog. Im happy if you really did read my blog. This is one of the way to spill my problems. Time for bio again.
Once again, happy 4 months, baby. :) I love you. :)

I wish you can call me baby for once. But most probably not anymore. :) I just have to wait and believe. :)

Covered- face.

Haha. Supposingly to be our 4 months. But seems like im the only one who is so excited about it. Hahah. Its okay. In case you dont know, just 1 of your message can really cheer me up and make me move on. :/ Just 1 message. But it's okay. Im just feeling weaker day by day. I have to take it until the day comes. Just 2 weeks. I believe im strong enough for that. I just hope you feel the way as i do. I scared im not any part in your life anymore. But if its destined to be so, and no one willing to change with me, thats it. :/ Smiling and laughing is my biggest lie now. :) But no matter what, i will keep that on my face, so neither you nor others will worry and believe im good. :) Life experience. :)

With you, it's all.

Being with you, its everything. I dont know what will be the result after 2 weeks. I cant imagine. Not talking to you, is like putting myself into a water-filled bathtub without breathing, suffocate. I miss you so much, and still wonder do you still feel the same? Will you stop loving me after not talking to me for 1 whole week? I just wish you still do. This week and the next 2 weeks of sem break, total of 3 weeks will be killing me. Maybe i just have to learn to get over it. Maybe because of my insecureness, i feel something bad will happen to us, which i dont want it to happen at the first place. Im not trying to ask you to disobey your family, seriously. I told you at first, do not fight with family over a girl. But this is being serious, its not only about me. Its all about you, will you be happy following what they want you to do, instead of doing what you like? Its your own future. Shouldnt you stand up for yourself? Its not rebellious, its commitment that you supposed to have with your family. They have been controlling you for the past 18 years, arent you tired at all? I know when you play futsal, its the only place you can express yourself without any concern or pressure. That's the only real you, mind me saying. I know you love me that much when you said whenever you play futsal or on a match, you think about me and play with full energy, i hope its true too. :/ I just hope youre enjoying yourself, not being a puppet anymore.