Day #170: 2012.

It's the last of 2012. A year that has the most memories in my life till now. This year, I went through a lot. I had my best time and worst time. If I have a restart button to really have a real start, I would first like to clear the history. The history that pokes me into my flesh till the bone. Restart? Will you still come back? Will dad still be back? No. Then how can that be restart? Actually, I was really expecting something. I dont know what, but i was just expecting something. Can I really leave everything behind in the year of 2012? Maybe for someone like me that feels so much, maybe not. For someone like you, you just want to get things over and fool yourself in the drum. I wont stop you, cause you never listen to me. I want to be really close to you. So close that nothing can ever break us apart. But someone really not worth, actually just interrupt so easily. I dont want to leave you, I dont want to forget you. But why must I have to? Some people dont have the love between, but they are just meant to be together. What kind of crap is that? I love you, I miss you. And I dont know how am I supposed to feel again. Hide? Cry? In 2012, I was about to kill myself and end my life; In 2013, Im glad that Im still alive. To be here. The stronger you push me away, the closer I will get to. If 2012 is a person, I'll call it a bitch and give it thousands slaps. Anyway, before it ends, I want to thank everyone for their existence in my  life. No matter good or bad, they gave me lessons. Thanks dear, for everything, the goods and bads. Though I hate it all. Just being grateful.

Day #169: Hardship.

No matter how hard it is, i think i will go through this piece of shit. No. It's not that I think, I must. I smile, because of you, I love because of you, I trust because of you. But it seems like it's one sided. I hold it too long. I thought you would change your mind, but you didnt. You rather to choose that girl who cheated on you for numerous time, the girl who fight over something small, a girl who I dont like, I would say. I dont like her, because of her taking advantage of you. You dont even mind people cheating on you, lie to you, take advantage of you, I dont even understand why am I suffering over your problem. I care, I really care. Thats why Im still here wandering. I dont know how much she can do for you, can she even sacrifice a little for you? I dont know. I really shouldnt care anymore. I've told myself for so many times, but my brain doesnt do the same thing. It's really annoying. I really want to get rid of you. Im not determined enough. :( You know how much pain it takes to trust you? But I still choose to trust. No one is perfect, it's true. But when you think that person is perfect, then he is, and you're perfect to me. All the old promises you made, old words you told, came into my mind again. I just cant believe you didnt do a thing you said. Im fear of falling in love again. Im afraid the words people say, promises people make. Just because it's never true. Just hear the sirens of the ambulance while typing this. Hope the person in the ambulance be alright. It reminds me that day when dad was admitted to the hospital. The day when we slept outside the hospital. The day when dad left. Still in mind, like it just happened yesterday.

Day # 168: Fatigue.

He said Im too tired, that's why i cant have the perfect swing that I used to have. And that really makes me frustrated. >.< And that got the wrist being hurt for few more times. Ouch. Be happy. At this time, after so many things happened, I dont know what else to say. I know im no one to say or to do anything anymore. I might just annoy you again and again. People said Im mature. I dont understand what makes them say im mature. Maybe to you, im just childish, annoying and attaching. Am i really even attaching? I did not even control a thing you do before. I even think that I was not attach enough to get you. I wish to be a kid again to forget the responsibility for being a daughter, even a person. Be happy. I just want you to be happy. People might think im childish and foolish, but if thats the only that matters to me, so it is. Everything is easy to say, but all are hard to achieve. For real, i try to ignore everything i can, but your happiness is all i want. No matter how much it takes. But i realise i dont know you anymore. Not anymore. :(

Day #167: Hide.

I hope you can be the one doing all the above with me. What the hell am I thinking? I should just continue to hide myself away from the reality, not telling anyone about anything. How are you? I shouldnt relate myself in your life anymore, even how much i always wanted to. I kept hoping this and that, when you actually spending your sweet time with her. >.< Anyhow, i dont give up on what I always believed, just, yeahhh.. I would spend all i can, use all i have to give you the world, to give you the things you wanted. I know things will not be that again, but i dont know why i just keep hoping. I dont show anything on my face anymore, for real. And that, people will not know what really i feel in me, It's okay. :) Steph left. I know im gonna miss her so much. She's a really good companion. A really good person that I wouldnt want her to leave me agian and again. Even we've lost contact for few years, but im really grateful that we are able to meet again after years. Love you, steph. Please take care of yourself really good. You deserve a good life with good people. :)

Day #166: Fate.

Im not born as well as anyone else, neither bad. Sometimes your surrounding makes you think a lot. Or maybe force? I dont blame or complain. Im born so, what can i do beside fighting for the chance to survive? I know i have to work extra cause i dont have the face, the intelligence, the ability. I dont mind working hard, but i just wish, someday, what ive been fighting for get pay off. Im not greedy, but i want to be successful. Not in terms of wealth only, and my health, my family, my everything. But people are greedy, when you get something, you'll ask for more. That's human. Never satisfy with what we already have and cry over something that is never yours. Now, it's like i pass everyday, just because it's a day. i dont really know what am i doing, but i know i wasnt wasting time. That's all. All the things happened make me feel numb and yeah. I dont know how to describe it. It's a feeling. But i just dont know. It's empty, but i just cant tell what it is. A smile can be real or fake, but tears can never be fake. Faking a smile is easy, but only people who cares, see that the smile is real or not. I hope you're smiling. No matter what, just smiles. I'll be there if you need me. Though i know you dont, cause someone better is near you? >.< I just dont know what to do anymore. Let go, sorry, i cant. :(

Day #165: Mistake.

Went for undang talk today. It's freaking boring. Especially when i slept late the previous day. I was "fishing" the whole day. Embarassing. HAhaha. Especially when im without my phone, crap. 2 weeks, for my phone to be back. :'( Anyway, MU had an epic game. HAHHA. Like seriously. It's interesting anyway. But the jerseys really annoy me. I hate that jersey, for real. D:< There's a reason why i prefer not to talk at times. Everyone has their own limit, i've put mine lower and lower because of you. I lost my ego, my pride. But I did not regret anything. Cause it worths, i think. People said, sometimes, things you think that still have hope, its actually pushing you towards the end, while sometimes, when you think it's the end, there's actually hope behind the end. Relationship doesnt happen because of the strong vows or promises, but just the two individuals that have strong will to be simply together. I dont know when am I going to meet the super dooper Mr Right, but actually all I want is just someone that Im willing to fight for. Everyone says I deserve better, really? What if i think you're the best? It doesnt change anything. Cause I know you wont fight for me anymore. Probably you even fall out of love with me. :'( No one will know what an individual is thinking within himself, like how no one knows what im exactly thinking. That's why I dont judge you. I have limited strength. I've helped what i could. But you just dont understand. I just want the way that you will not suffer yourself throughout the lifetime. Cause I know you are, even you say you're okay. Prolly Im wrong. I dont know. Is loving you a mistake?

Day #164: Christmas.

Christmas is a very merry day. It's supposed to be a joyful, happy day but it ended up kind of quiet to me. Hahha.

Dear Santa,
Did you lose your way to my house? Is it because i dont have a chimney at home? Will you stuck in the chimney cause everyone said you're fat? Christmas must be a magical day that makes all the kids around the world to be happy. I've been on Christmas mode for quite long. Im happy to see people around me to be happy. No matter what happened, Christmas may just give you another hope to live on. Cause I believe it's magical. I was thinking is the fairy's existence real? Can she just waves her wand and makes everything to be smooth in my coming years?

Are you happy right now? Are you really okay with your life? You must be very happy right now. Cuddling her under the mistletoe? People said it's a really romantic thing to do. HAha. I think about you all the time. But why? Why am I caring for someone just doesnt even remember me and enjoying his happy time with his girlfriend. That is really a sensitive word to me. Just because I dont like her, Im serious. I dont think she deserves anything like this. I just dont understand many things. Im holding it not because im stubborn. Just because I cant see you in this kind of condition anymore. And you'll just tell me to let you go? Any person who hears that from the person they care the most, sure understand that pain. :) I miss you and I love you. Thank you and Merry Christmas. I was waiting for your message but it's okay, I should know. Guess you're happily with her. Hmmm..

Day #163: Christmas eve.

Dear Santa,
I have a wish list for this Christmas that I dont think I can fulfill. Would you like to give me a helping hand for this Christmas.

1. I wish my dad is here again.
2. I wish the person I love will love me again as if it's the first time.
3. I wish the person I love will be there for me no matter what's wrong.
4. I wish everyone will be happy. Happier than me.
5. I wish to be happy.
6. I wish I can delete all the memories I had for this entire year.
7. I wish my friends can smile everyday cause they all deserve the best life.
8. I wish all the above can come true.

Nothing will come true, I know. Im just hoping again and again. I have the Christmas mode on and was hoping for your message. Just hahaha. Stupid. The moment when you said bye so fast, I just know that how much you didnt like me. I tried my best to give the best impression. I wonder, do you remember me or you're just happy without me? Maybe the second one. >.< I was reading my own last Christmas post. I was wishing for all materialistic life, and this year's, I just want you, for all. Is that greedy?

Day #162: Deserve.

Did i do anything wrong in the previous life? Was I a killer? Am I a bad person to deserve all this? Ever since I was young, everyone keeps saying they dont like me. Is it real? Even my own parents didnt like me. If you all really dont like me, why did you want to give birth to me? Why do you want to give birth to me and scold me that Im not your daughter? Do you all even know how it feels when you hear your own parents to say that? Ever since you're young. From the day everyone started to say that, I tried my really best to be the best daughter, best girlfriend, best friend, best person I can. Maybe im not the best, but i tried my best. I really did. Everyday I suffer so much to get things over. Since young, I cried and cried due to people disliking me. Being hated by sister from the moment i was born. Being scolded by father not his daughter just because of a small thing. Being scolded by mother because of  father "disown" me. Being betrayed by best friend. People threw money in my face just because others talk bad behind my back. Being left out for the next few years. Being forgotten by everyone. I know I dont have the worst life to cry over. I have good things happened to me too. But do i really deserve all this every year? Does anyone actually feel how hurtful it is deep inside me? Crying and crying, who knows? It's not that i dont understand your feelings, mum. I do. If not, I will not always think about you when im anywhere. I will not hide myself and cry in the middle of the night, silently. I will not try my best to laugh and smile in front of you. Cause i dont want you to worry. You dont have to tell me again and again how dad hated me even how hard I tried to be the best girl. You really dont have to. I know your feelings. But why cant you see that im actually in pain too? Not only because I lost my dad, my studies, my own life. I did not tell you anything just because I dont want you to worry. Do you actually know that I cut myself before and how badly I feel like dying? Do you know the only thing that pull me through everything is you, just because I dont want to see you worry? And you say I didnt understand your feelings? I see what you've been through. But who really knows exactly everything I've been through in every way. Im really tired to always be the person who tries to be happy. What do you think when i see other family so happily going out together for a family day? Ever since I was 12, dad never brings me out anymore due to the sickness. How I wish there's one day that the whole family can go out together? Primary school time, there were moments like this. But do you think I remember anything like that? I dont have any memory like that. I just wish there is one day for me, that my dad can actually hold my hand and walk around the shopping mall with me. Even he hated me, but i have the best memory of him. I also tried my best to be the best daughter for you and try to help you everytime. I know sometimes Im lazy that I didnt do. I know that's my fault. I really try my best to be the best person. And i wish i can be rebellious for a moment, to forget all the responsibilities. I wanted to call you so badly, but I know I cant. Everyone I love, just doesnt love me the same way. Do I really deserve to be treated like that? Do I really deserve to be scolded like that? Am I really that bad? Maybe I am. If I have enough guts, I would have die immediately. But I know it will also be a torture to her. But Im tired of being the good person. That people think it's okay to put things and pressure on me again.

Day #161: Bad day.

Everything just dont go well. Steph leaving soon, so we went out with her for farewell. Brought my phone to service, everything gone. All my apps, all my messages, gone. Nevermind, but it's not fix yet!! Went for lunch, and that place is a freak! Expensive, not nice, and unhygienic. Wrote this little letter for steph. I was actually crying when i was writing. Everyone really is leaving me. Everyone that i appreciate. :( I dont know whether you're the right guy, but definitely you didnt try to be my right guy. I always believe you are. Hmm.. After you went back, i should know that i will not have a second of yours. You wont think about me anymore. Wont try to talk to me anymore. Wont try to message me anymore. Uhhh.. what am i thinking? Maybe it serves me right. Should be so. You're happy right? :) Maybe im just the extra person. Always is. Please dont leave me. :'( Please.

Day #160: First day.

You're back to your hometown. You left. You must be very happy to see them again. Can you please not leave me? Why is everyone leaving me one by one? All of you are leaving me. You left. Dad left. Even Steph wants to leave. Please dont leave me like that. 3 months. You should have a lot of happy time with her. It's not what i can judge. I know i dont deserve to talk to you anymore. And i know you dont even want to talk to me anymore. Everyone comes into my life and leaves, just to make me suffer? See me suffer? Im tired of smiling. Maybe one day, i leave, people will start to remember my existence and appreciate me more. But after a while, i know i'll just be like ashes, people dont even remember.

Day #159: To You.

Everything i want to tell, i cant fit any of it in the card, and just hoping you'll read this. I dont want to be just friends. Everything i did, it's because i trusted you, i trusted my ability to change things. I dont believe in destiny, neither fate. But i believe in feelings. The feelings that i have, which never fade, i believe in them. I didnt expect myself to fall in love so hard, I really did not. You always wanted me to hate you, i dont know why. Despite everything you did, I never hate you. Telling truth, i was mad, i was hurt, i was lost, I just couldnt hate you. Maybe you didnt know, but im really not an ordinary girl that you know outside. How much effort i put through to make you awake, to make you stand up. All i get was just, "Let me go". That feeling, i feel like jumping down the building, and stab myself at the heart before jumping down. Before today, I told myself, never cry. Dont cry in front of anyone. Anything, just try your best to smile. I smiled and smiled. But i really cant take it anymore. How long more i still have to pretend to be okay. Everyone asks me to not think, it will be okay. How will it be okay? When you know everything is going to the wrong way. I know every decision has no right or wrong. We have our own perception. You made your choice cause you think it's right. Fine. But why didnt you want me to go through with you and take it all to yourself? Do you know the heartache when you're trying to pretend you're okay in front of me? In front of me, you have to pretend? I dont want to let you go. I dont want, but do i even have the chance to choose? Why am i not given any chance to choose and you're deciding everything? Im not satisfy at all. Not even a little.

Day #158: True.

Third day of finals, and i think i screwed up my algebra paper. Pfft. I cant remember the formulas when i get into the hall. :( Crap. Tried on my new shoes today. It hurts me so much. :( Got 2 big blisters at the back of my heels. So pain. :( Does it mean a bad day to me? :O I wish it's not. Everything goes wrong around me. Even my own body. I feel so heaty on the face but I was shivering from coldness. My sister actually said my face is red due to the heat. I did not stand under the sun, but i just have no idea where the heat comes from. Weird body. I have to promise myself, no matter what happen, dont cry, at least not in front of anyone. My friend actually realise that im sad even through the computer. I dont know him long, but he said it's really easy to read me. If im that easy to read, why no one actually willing to spend time to understand me? :( I know my face, it's not the typical face that guys will spend time on. Your existence is so important to me, cause you're the one and only person that willing to spend time to know me. I really appreciate everything. I really do. That i actually thought of my future that have you inside. The puzzle will not be complete anymore. It may seem like a dream to anyone else, but it was real. I really thought it works. Till this moment it's not that i cant get over anymore. I learnt to ignore. Anything, i'll just tell myself to smile. No matter what's wrong, after smiling, everything will be okay. Sometimes you dont need anyone to understand yourself. At least not for me anymore. I just rather keep it to myself. I just want the ordinary guy, back to my side. The guy that i used to know, the one without any responsibility and able to make his own decision. Stop, Dreaming, Yung. I hope my love is true enough for you to feel. :) I fall for someone that out of my expectation, and that's the magical thing.

Day #157: Baby.

Saw this Christmas M&M Advertisement on tv. HAhha. It's a very cute advertisement. " Santa does exist?!" 2nd day of exam is over. The questions are unexpected. I feel like we're actually re-doing our tutorials. There's a few question that i dont know how to do though. Hope others can cover up the total marks. You were sitting at the same row as me. However, it's never near. Hmmm... Not even a bit, but it's okay. I've learned to ignore the surrounding. No matter what people say or think, no matter what i found out, no matter how well you treat her, I will just stay at the back and look. I will not fight for anything, I wish. I wish i can even fight for a little bit. I really wish you can be here with me. I really wish so. I hope you change your mind, which i think will never be. Ahhhh. Nevermind. Good things never come to me. :( I'll just love you silently, quietly. Loving someone is never easy. When Carr was telling me about Elven and her, i was laughing, but deep inside, im really jealous. Im really really jealous. What can i do? :( Can I still call you baby? :'(

Day #156: Fear.

It's the first day of finals. One day nearer to the end of FIS. One day nearer to the day im not going to see you anymore. One day nearer to the day that we will once again be a total stranger. I dont know to feel happy or sad. I always wanted FIS to end earlier because this has been a hard year for me. But im also afraid of separation, with friends, and you. Im always scared when you go back to hometown. I know i have no reason to be scared anymore, but im just afraid. Humans' biggest fear is the fear to change. Myself, im really afraid of things changing. People said, no matter how you dont want things to change, it will still change. Is it like how your feelings towards me change? I didnt know that we need a very big courage to say "I love you" and mean it. I always wanted to tell you that, but i know i cant. Im afraid people will say im the intruder to destroy people's relationship AGAIN. But the feelings i have, are real. It reaches the level until i rather dont talk about it and smile than crying over it in front of everyone. After crying, they say feelings will be gone. I cried. But it's still there. Till the limit that i want to just hide it and pretend nothing happen. Hmm.. Isnt it pathetic? :( Anyway, chemistry paper tomorrow. Have to score enough to get A. Im determined. :) God bless. Good luck too, dear. :) Ohhh. And highest condolences for the victims in Connecticut. May you find your innocent life with God, beautiful kids and heroes.

Day #155: Exam.

Final exam for 4 days. Gosh. Really stress out. :( I went to uni alone to study today. I ended up trapped in the study room for 8 hours. Didnt even take lunch. Not in the right mood. :( Stressssss! Just believe i can do it. I can do the papers. I studied. :/ Blahhhh. It will be fine, I hope. After coming back from uni, still need to do the scholars things. Used up my night. Zzz. Taylor's scholarship isnt easy to take. The way you pay back, seriously. -.- I watched this inspiring, motivating show. They were interviewing this Denmark citizen. She wants to be a photographer. It's not a job which is very well paid. Her family supported her. And they said, to the interviewer, the true happiness comes from the courage you have to fight for your dream and make it true, face it with positive attitude. It's so true. I will not regret in studying food science. I choose that. My ambition. :) I never think about anything and choose it based on my interest. And im lucky my dad did not stop me, though he doesnt like me studying that. Thanks, dad. :) I fall for you multiple times, you? :)

Day #154: Smile.

Smile, its been a lot of times I use this as my title. I keep convincing myself to smile. No matter what happen, just smile. Today, I even comfort my friend, telling her, if i can smile, why cant you? But when i tell her that, i have this weird feeling in myself. Am i really happy? I really dont know. Am i fooling myself? I had so much to pull through everything. I wont say im tired anymore. Tired will just be an excuse for me. There's something you can also hide deep inside your heart, but you can never have it in your life. It must be really lucky to have something you love so much in your life. Im not trying to be greedy. Im satisfy with what i have now. I know life goes on. I just wish you're part of my life, not only for that few months. Haha. Yung, you shouldnt ask for more. Be happy that you're still alive now. :) I'll just keep everything to myself and see you from behind. :) It's more than enough. It is. Be satisfy, yung.

Day #153: Study.

Went back to Taylor's today. Saw Carr and studied with her. I kept talking and talking, non stop. I hope Carr didnt get annoyed. :( Ohh. And I bought scramble egg which i craved for so long. Finally get to eat it. Im a happy kid. :3 I wonder, if i fall again, will you catch me? :( The problem is, i havent even stand up from the first fall. :( What's the feeling when people lie? Sometimes, when i realise you lie, i know you lied for the relationship's good, but i prefer being honest. I just realised another of your old lie. Nothing big, actually. Just kind of affect me little. But im all good. And i dislike Kpop now. Excluding 1 particular group, or maybe person? <3 Anyway, I did my IC today. Crap. The photo for it always sucks. I purposely wear collar shirt and you asked me to wear the big coat cause my shirt is white? :O I dont like it. Still have to.

Iloveyou. :'(

Day #152: Owhh.

The best relationship is not any planned, long distance relationship. It's a relationship that is true even after years, it will still feel like you just fall in love. Isnt that special, amazing, wonderful? :) Not everyone in this world get their so called true love. It's something you cannot miss when you meet one. Anyway, i read a lot of life quotes that really inspire me.
“It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
“Your fellow man is your mirror. If your own face is clean, the image you perceive will also be flawless.” ~ Deepak Chopra
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
“You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing.” ~ Dale Carnegie
I didnt really study today. I was really unwanted and asked to go aunt's house today. I thought i can study there and brought my whole bag pack along with me. The moment i reached, my cousin dragged me along to kl to walk around. It's not that it's wasting time, but if i can choose, i rather stay in Taylor's for the whole day. Still spent time with cousin. :/ And i realise, im really getting fatter and fatter. Pfft. Hate that. Does it mean that i cant eat anymore? :( Ahhh. Who cares. Still gonna control myself. Pfft. Life..

Day #151: 12.12.12.

I dont know why, but i think this picture is really cute. I wish i have relationship like that. HAHA. Today is the last repeating date that we will ever see in our life. I have no idea how special it is. Somehow, im happy today. I dont know whether you are happy, but i am. :) I was still bugging about working alone and i saw you. I know i was smiling deep inside myself. As usual, miss dad so much. Talked to mum today also. People say, the first time is coincidence, second time is accident, third time is lucky. Mum said, if people have to undergo surgery, they will usually go for 3 times only. Cause there's this saying, nothing or no one can go through bad things for more than 3 times. Theres also this saying, the first time people meet, is coincidence, second time is just lucky and third time is really destined. I dont know. It's all just saying. :O Saw your smile today, and it's really nice. Wish you can smile more everyday. :) Smileeeee.

Day #150: Lonely.

I admit. I get jealous so easily. Or maybe too easily. I just fail in controlling myself. Hahaha. Stayed at home to study for the whole day and i'm really not that kind that can stay at home and study for the whole day. I have to at least move around for a while. I studied. Quite a lot, but it's just boring. Working tomorrow. Oh god. Gonna be alone. :( I think about a lot of things. Like a lot. Hahahaha. But what to do? Life goes on. Im bored in dealing things around me. I keep on dealing with it but it doesnt seem to have any difference. 5 months, and i struggle every single day. People may look down on me. Freaking 5 months. I really hate the feeling being alone. I mean, it's okay to be alone, but not okay to be alone when you have this little space reserve for someone that wont even care about you. Im just being stupid again and again. Putting all my maximum efforts in everything i do. Never stop to believe. :) And smile.

Day #149: Disappointed.

Im really disappointed with my own assessments' marks. Pfft. It's not really bad, but not good either. But i know i get what i deserve. I understand, though im disappointed. I didnt do really good. Have to add in extra work for finals to back up everything. Beside, im really pissed at certain people who are so selfish. So pissed off. Pfft, it's okay. Nevermind, just do my best for all. A real relationship, when two of the people love each other, they will not get tired of each other. How hard is the circumstance, how people want to tear the couple apart, they will not ever complain and really fight for each other. They will not give up on each other just because how the surrounding pressure them. Tired is not an excuse. Never get too close to anyone, cause they will know where is the exact place to hit to let you completely down. By that time, they dont even need to do anything, you'll be completely down to them. Am i bad? Is it all my fault again? :( Hmmm...

Day #148: Boo.

Where are you now? :'( Aihhh.. It's okay. Nevermind, as usual. Today, is quite an unpleasant day. It will be alright. Smile and smile and smile and smile and smile. Everything will be alright. Hehehe. :( Hide every tears behind, and put on the smile. I know there's no point doing anything. Still hoping the best for you. I know you understand the condition, but you arent getting up. :( Just wish everything will be alright. Hahahaha. So many wishing and hoping. :/ But im not greedy. :P Love you. :)

Day #147: Smiley.

Actually, because of of some reason, i had quite a bad day. But i did something good that turned everything around. Worked for open day. Unexpectedly, im the team leader for foundation booth, which is the most "popular" booth among all since SPM just finished. Leading the awesome team was really cool. That people are funny which made the whole process not so dull. Feeling really good. Did 3 campus tours, which i dont even know why i volunteer to do it, probably because of the responsibility and dont want the others to tire themselves. But it's really tiring. Did for architecture, FIS and also ADP. I dont even really know where's all their rooms and Lecture theaters, so i just bring them around which i think those are the places. HAHA. Then went out with sister for a while. When i went to toilet, i met this bunch of people. I paid to enter, but they're still standing at the counter with a confused look. They are foreigners. I dont understand how much they need to pay to enter. I told them but they couldnt understand. I told again, but they said they have no coins or small changes. They looked so frustrated. Ended up, i paid for them. They thanked me and i was so happy that i helped someone. Im really tired that i fell asleep right after my shower. But it's fun after all. :)

Everything will be fine. :)

Day #146: NMA.

There's a reason why i love this movie so much. "The notebook", im even loving the novel. I dont know whether i will have a relationship like theirs, the challenging, long lasting, unbelievable one. I just want the special one to always be by my side. Not asking more. But i get that point when things dont always go in our way. I know there's no point for me trying so hard to help when i know you dont even care. Do you understand the feeling why i even want to try after so long? I know if you want to change, you changed long time ago. I just dont believe in fate, or destiny. I just believe that i can change you because of what we've been through. I hope im not wrong, I have no idea why am i still searching for your back out of the big crowd when i know i shouldn't. I'll have this happy and calm feeling after that. I should stop doing anything to make things worse. Your choice, still. I've been working for NMA since tuesday. About one week working there. It's a real good experience but it's tiring to fit in time to work when finals is around the corner. :( But we did it anyway. Working for open day again. Two days gone. Pfft.

Day #145: 1 month.

It's been a month since dad left us. A month. Time flies, in a glimpse of an eye. I miss dad. I dont have dad for a month ad. I wonder how is he. Can he hear me? Can he see me? Does he miss me as much as i miss him? I talk to him everyday about my life, without knowing whether he can hear me. I want to touch his hand, hold his hand, but his body had became ashes which we dont even know which is which part. I know dad didnt like me the most, but i know no matter what, he loves me. Dad, you've been through a lot. I just wish you can find your own peace now. The peace and harmony that you always crave for. Everything happened, put me as this person. I will not say im strong. Just a person who had been through a lot to put on this smile. I know what i had was nothing when someone out there might have experience more than i had. But please dont compare me with other people. It's very tiring. Everyone has their own problems. Some can accept the biggest challenge and some cant even face the failure. Im doing my best in all i can. I will not give up on what i had been holding on. People can say im foolish, but i will not. Because i know, one day, which i dont know when, you'll stand up for yourself. I just hope it's as soon as possible, which is a really small chance. Miracles will happen. Besides, I will not online as frequent anymore except for blogging. Maybe im running away from the truth, but i just dont want. Too many to accept. Let everything stays at what i remember. *Missing all my love ones including you* >.<

Day #144: The vow.

It's my second time watching the vow. Once upon a time. Everything was so beautiful. I still remember i said I have to watch this movie with you together. "I vow to help you love life.." Sometimes, we really cant control what will happen in the future. There might be chemistry between us. But you wont know where the particles will ended up at. The more you force it, it re-bounces even more. You might make the particles to move closer, but they might not collide. What we can do is to wait for the next collision. We will never know when, it might not happen, but there is also the chance for the collision. I wish it happens between me and you, for another collision. Probably im just thinking big and dreaming again. When she lost her memory, she was having a hard time, but who knows, the guy is also having a hard time to make her fall in love with him again. He waited for her, no matter how long. How hard it is, he did not give up on her, beside hoping her to be happy in every way. For me, im not that good. I cant do anything more. I dont know whether what i did was it extra, but all i wanted is you to not regret your life. I cant do more. I want you to be happy, truly happy. For the truth, i really miss your smile. The smile that made me fell for you last time. I see you smiling all the time, but i know it isnt the same as the old one. Neither i have. Dont lose hope, they said. I wont lose hope in my life, and so i believe in miracles. I hope it happens between us, somehow. Everything worth a try. If you dont try and take the risk, you wont know what you really love.

Day #143: Loved.

Hmmm.. Just 2 more weeks, everything will come to an end. I think i will miss you so much. :/ The terrified, afraid moment is going to strike again. It still has to come anyhow. I just hope you remember what you had promised yourself. Nothing is easy, really. When your life is too easy, you just gain no experience. I hope all fight and effort at least worth something. I know i cant expect things to change just like that. I know no matter what i say, it wont change anything. Live your life, be yourself, stop fooling yourself. Im not being annoying, but be a responsible person. I dont know what else i can do for you. Whenever i think about what im doing, i'll be really depressed. I do all these because i love you. But when i know that you dont, anymore, it's just doesnt seem right. But i just cant leave it like that, i swear i will not give up. I really dont know what else to do, instead keep hoping you'll make your decision as soon as possible, Live for yourself. Love what you love. Do what you love. Dont carry everything on your shoulder when you cant even afford it. You may think that, youre okay and youll carry on with what people planned. One day when you meet failure, you'll collapse. From outside it might be okay to everyone, deep down, you know yourself.

Day #142: Loser.

Im such a loser. I am. I should just stop worrying and live. Others dont even want me to care about their life, why would i even care?? I have no idea why am i feeling crappy the whole day. I was so depressed and i cant even study a bit. Damn. I think i made a really wrong decision. I did. I thought i was right, but now, i dont know anymore. Maybe all my effort just dont get agreed, appreciated. I just dont want to give up, but seems like you are. Years later it will be even harder. Hmmm.... Dont give up, please.

Day #141: My fault.

This is like exactly what i want to say to you. But i guess you understand. Just the "love one" is me?  Probably. In my point, the subjects are different. Hmmm... It's not that i can change anything. I think it's my fault to be busy body. As usual. People say, why he doesnt even care for himself and you want to care for him. If you ask me again, i really dont know. I wish i can just ignore. I dont mind people to misunderstand me. I just hope, at least you, just you to understand. Ahhhh... What am i thinking again?? I cant always expect you to understand me right? It's okay. I will be alright. I believe what i believe. The only way to make me feel better. Sounds pathetic, but it just works. How i wish, you can hold my hand and walk me on the street, shows how much you love me. :) Dreamingggggg. Yung, how hard it is, it's been 4 months. You know, its never an easy way for me. How much i struggled, just to let you realise. Everyone can say i didnt move on, i didnt grow up. But i know i grow stronger. I always wanted to die, always ask dad why didnt he bring me along, every night crying myself to sleep. Life like that for 4 months. I dont know how long more i can take. I just dont want to give up on you. I wish i can just go and let you realise what you lost, but i just cant leave you alone. Why am i so weak? :( 

Day #140: Futsal.

It's really late now. I just came back from futsal game. AHHAHA. Had a nice-awesome-amazing-first-ever-fantastic futsal game. I fell on my ass a lot. :( And i have a really big bruise on my thigh. Ouch. Today is like a sports day for me. Morning till evening for golf, Night, futsal. Hahaha. Niceeeee! I love sports, no doubt. Heard that Manchester is playing tonight, but why astro no show? :( Im sad ad. I think im more to a boyish person now. :P I dont mind being accused anymore. You wont understand how the heartache is. When im trying my best to help you, and believe in you, you doubt me. Hahah. No problem, sure. I will just keep on holding it, whether you appreciate me not. I really did my best and i just dont want to give up. If i really give up, i dont know what will happen to you. However, i dont know how long i can hold on anymore. If sorry can help you, i would say a thousand times. If sorry can help me ease my pain, sure, thanks. But no, you didnt trust me. That's the biggest pain i have. Excluding whatever else you did.

Day #139: Beautiful.

I had a very beautiful dream last night. A dream that isnt real, but i just dont want to wake up from it. I know after i wake up, i have to experience the same pain again. I just love the dreams that have you inside. Eventhough it's just a dream. :) I still have to wake up from it anyway. That annoying feeling that you have waking up from a really good dream. Hahah. Yeah, sure. I dont even get the point why are you mad. Everything happened to me is just because i trusted you too much. It's actually my fault. To give you the chance to do everything again and again. And getting accuse for not trusting you, sure, no problem. :) From the first day in everything i do, i dont expect people to understand why am i still trusting you, including you. I trust you, because i do. I dont need a reason for that. You can keep accusing whatever i do. You think you're having hard time and im just finding problems for you, yeah, sure. I just didnt expect you think me that way. Its not the first time anyway. You can get mad for any reason. I did all this, i should be responsible. You get mad, but im the one that gave you the chance to be mad. My bad. I will hold on to myself. I will. I believe in what i believe. People asked me, do you still believe him after everything he did to you? I did not hesitate and said yes. I dont even know why. It's okay. Yung. It's okay. You dont need anyone to understand what are you doing as long as you know it's the best for him. :)

Day #138: Lies.

It's true that my dad said, never believe in guys. :) Never ever. Sweet talk is just so easy. Promises, are just stupid. Hhaha. I know the reason why you're online on Whatsapp. I know. I just know everything. Erhmm.. And i actually bloody online just to wait for your message. Foolish me. I should know earlier. Phone got problem and i cant connect to wifi. I have to use data to online. And yeah, wasted my data for that stupid reason. I just dont understand myself, sometimes. Or maybe, i understand myself too well? I know all my intentions in doing everything, even it's not for myself, just for someone who i cant have, forever. I overestimate you again? Thought that you will care? Thought that everything will be good? No. Life doesnt work that way, Yung. You thought you're so heroin that you can change his life? You thought people really care that much about how you think about his life? No. No. No. Everything happened just because i think it so. But it doesnt work that way. Im just stupid. Hahaha. Deserve every shit in life. :) Sly people. All have special intentions in doing everything. Not the good ones.

Day #137: Demanding.

Gave my last shot. That's it. I really tried my best. I dont know what else to do. I know i shouldnt expect so much. Im not expecting anyway. I know the result, even before i go there. Did i overestimate you? I know you can do more than you are doing now. You just dont believe yourself can. Being tied with certain things that you think they are right. I really dont know how to put things in words. What i want to say is more than what i said. Really. Good? No, i dont feel good. Last shot? Yes, it is. Cause i dont think i can do anymore. I know people think that im demanding. Even i think i am. But if forcing can make everything right, i would like to be the bad person. I dont mind. Since, im already the evil one. Cried in front of dad's alter today. Sorry dad. For everything i did. Things happen for a reason. I believe that. I wont let things happen for the wrong reason. That's why i gave all i can to put everything in place. Just please dont try to run away, when im trying my best to face your problem. Be single to think about things. It will make you see things clearer. I swear. That smile that people think it's true, will always remain as true. It doesnt matter what is inside anymore, cause even myself, dont care anymore. As long as you're happy. Everything i did, just wish you're happy. You can always say you're happy. But i know when you are, and when you're not. Not trying to act smart. Terrible headache with fever. Good pair, darlings. -.-"

Day #136: Last.

This might be my last shot in doing things for you. Im so afraid in doing all things. I didnt know i will be this afraid to do things. I cried at night just because im scared of things changing. But things change, in anyway. You used to love me, but not anymore. Changed. Maybe im just afraid of accepting the truth. I always believe i can change someone's life and i want to. I dont believe whatever people say about about faith or fate. I dont believe that, i think i can change just because i want. There's nothing as destined. I know the result in doing this wont change much, but im just trying with my last try to make things right. I know, after tomorrow, there will be a drastic change. I just have to deal with it. I believe too much in what i believe. No doubt that i still believe. Cause that's what makes me today. Every girls also want a guy who really gives her all his attention and will tell her everything will be okay, cause he's here. Instead of letting her to take all her problem on her own. It just seems like im wasting my effort on someone that dont even know how to love himself. But i got no regret, cause it's you. But this might be my last shot.

Day #135: Thoughts.

I really want to know what are you thinking in your head. Things i do, is it right? Am I being busy body? I thought i was doing the right thing. I need a lot of guts to make these things real. It took me so much courage. I couldnt ask for more things. I have to learn to not expecting anything. I swear, im not expecting anything anymore. Im afraid, everyday. Afraid of things changing again and again, to something really strange. I dont like changing. I know i cant expect people to be the same over years. But this year, too many changes. Im trying my best to do whatever i can do to help you, but my strength is limited. Im not a very smart person. I dont know how to use my brain wisely. I just want a normal life. I dont want to be the evil, mean person. I know once i start doing all that, everything will change again. I just want the best for you. I dont know whether it's the best, but it's all i can do. I know how much youre doing for me, but let me do what i can do to help. You might not appreciate my help, i know. Loving someone too deep, it's just hurtful like torturing you again and again, non-stop. I've reached the level that i hate myself a lot, tired of myself, stress about myself, being such a pathetic fella. Im just trying to help.

Day #134: Sunday.

This sunday is kind of boring. Stayed at home the whole day because i have to study at home and mum is alone at home. Beside studying, its still studying. I wonder anything goes in my mind. HAhahah. Hope there is. Pretty tired today. I have no idea why, it's not that i did anything very tiring. Maybe too much time spent doing nothing instead sitting on the chair, facing the papers. Blah. Boring life. I almost did that today. It keeps me thinking too much. But I'll just keep it until after class test. Im not sure whether i have the guts to do, as im afraid in doing everything. Im afraid to lose everything again. Watched the MU and QPR match last night. Hah, it's cool. :3 I need to learn to watch football match. It's a must. >.< Ohh.. That day, Jeanne found a grey hair on my head!!!!! Am I that stress about everything that i have grey hair?! It's my first grey hair! I guess im really thinking too much and bring all your problems as mine. Yung Yung is useless. Pfft.

Day #133: Bleh.

It's a tiring day. I think there's something wrong with my phone which is quite annoying. I couldnt connect my phone to the wifi. I dont want to reset the phone. Gawd damn. Went dinner with cousin's family. Cause mum went for some event and no one will be cooking for me since brother and sister not around too. After dinner, went to cousin's aunty's house, to decorate the Christmas tree. It was exhausting especially im having fever. :/ And had great time with golf mates too, as usual. I think about a lot of things everyday. Im just finding stupid things for myself. Am i thinking too much for the person that doesnt even care for his life? I will do all my best for the person that i care to be on the right way, instead of being in such a lost condition. I've seen people who are regret on making the wrong decision, and ended their lives just like that. I just dont want it to happen on person that i care. I dont know whether what i do is wrong or right, but i'll try my best to make it right. You probably dont trust me anymore, but i didnt stop trusting you. Swear with my life.

Day #132: Rotten.

Ohhh. We had like freaking 9 hours in uni after the first paper which ended at 11am. I spent that 9 hours whole day in uni. Im rotten. I did not bath for that 9 hours. All my friends went back as usual. Brought Elven along with me since he's alone. Divya brought us for lunch. It's been a long long time since I had my last indian meal. I love indian food. They are the best. Ate with hands. :D Divya taught me a sentence in tamil. HAhah. Wanted to try on the cashier to get some discount, but i failed. He was too serious. HAHAH. Stayed in the library for hours in the discussion room. Boringggggg. I realised I was having fever right before test. Not the right timing. Had a really terrible headache. Like seriously. I was forcing myself to smile with all i can to let people think im alright. I can feel that i almost pass out. I was so dizzy. And cold. Feverrrrrr.. I wonder what will happen if i die?

Day #131: Worry.

I dont know what am i thinking anymore. Im actually worry about myself. Am i thinking too much? Am i worrying too much when people dont care? I guess i am. Today, for the whole day, i feel so weird and uncomfortable. Probably too worry about the chemistry test. I found myself doing the wrong thing again and again today. Hmmm.. I was looking at your picture to make myself sleep in last night. :( I know it's not right, but i did. I think im back to the phase that i miss you so much. Urghhhh. Gonna slap myself to the max. Sometimes, it's not that i want to keep the distance, but i have to. Im afraid. I do. Ive asked around what should i do. I just dont know. Stand up, Yung.

Day #130: Test.

Had algebra class test today. I was so afraid. I missed all the vectors lectures, and i know nothing about it. I can only do everything based on the SPM knowledge and the tutorials. Hope i did everything correct. I need the marks. :O At least i did all questions and it was quite smooth. It's okay. :) Will be having chemistry tomorrow. Guess it's another haunting subject. It will be a big relief after test tomorrow. Although, there's more tests coming, at least the ones i scared the most are over. Everything really keeps playing in my mind that make me cant really concentrate. I did all I promised. I did keep my promises, every single one. But you didnt appreciate my effort. Sometimes, i know your point in doing things for my good. Things dont always go in your way. You're too lucky to have everything on your back. And what i did, are for your benefits. Individually. Someone aske me, whether im okay. I replied I am. But he said, "the more i smile, the more that makes people worry." I really appreciate those that care. Those that just see, of course believe that i get over everything. I hope i am. The fear that i said before, just happened again. The special bond, the special interaction is once again, gone. The image i have of you makes me flutter.

Day #129: Smile.

Found some old pictures. There's one of the pictures is me with dad. :( Dad used to be so big size and i used to be so small. I wish time can be rewind. The time when i was young, when i have no things to worry about, when i have a happy family. Nothing is the same anymore. What i can do now, is just smile with all i can. Pretend as if nothing happened. Mum said when i was young, i dont know how to smile or laugh. What an ironic that i like to smile now. At least until after class test, and i'll start to solve things that should be solved since long time ago. Sometimes, it's not that im stubborn or anything. But i really want to prove my point in everything i did. I hope you see my intention one day, like how i understand yours, but not agreeing. I think im finding problems for myself, but i will not give up, for the sake of you. I will make things right, even the surrounding tells me it's not right. Cause i know what is the best, and definitely not current. Trust me, you. You know who you are. Just let me get this test over first. -.- Hate tests. Pfft.

Day #128: Blue Monday.

Blue is the color representing unhappy. I really tried my best to make things right, but it always ended up the other way. And I always regret doing it when the others dont even care. Why do i have to think so much? Why cant i be independent? Is it that hard? I tried really hard to get things out of my mind at least a while to let me study properly for the test, but it just didnt turn out that way too. I laughed, I smiled, I tried. But deep inside me, I dont feel good. I dont know how to describe or express myself. I really dont know. I've reached a point that i want to give up everything. Please, tell me what to do. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong, how to do? Being strong is not as easy as how you say it. Everyone knows. I dont need pity. Neither sympathy. Sometimes i rather to be on my own. I know myself, i tend to lose confident and care about what everyone says. I mean EVERYONE. People always say its a good experience even after break up. But you know, the pain that i had is more than the happiness i had. I gave my best to do everything, but it turns out really sucky, though i know no one cares.

Day #127: Insurance.

Settle with dad's insurance today. I didnt know dad bought me insurance. I mean, it's normal for other family, but to me, it's different story. It's been a long time since i last see my friends. Meeting them tomorrow, yay! :D But im quite afraid of people's reaction tomorrow. Dont know why. :/ Studied for quite a long time today, supposed to be satisfy, but it seems quite empty. Uhhh.. How? Im not sure whether im alright, but i really want to cry for some reason. I feel that, something is holding back. Hmmm, Yung, relax yourself. :( Im waiting for the day that i can let go everything out of my mind. I know myself is not mature at all. Keep holding back things, keep asking why, keep asking for answers. So not right. I can never grow from that. Never gonna give myself any excuses anymore. Please, No.

Day #126: Yeah.

Went golf today. Cause Wilson gor gor went for golf game, therefore, i had lunch with uncle Ken. Kay, it's my first time in a sport car. It's awesome. Mr-S. HAHA. Dont really know about these things, but it's cool. I guess, people like Jeannie who has super long legs will be suffering sitting inside. HAHA. After that, went prayer for dad's stuff. Took us about 3 hours. :O I really miss dad. But what can i do? :( I know he's in better place. Thought about a lot of things. Not going to mention it. But i know those things always haunt me. You know, when people want to lie, they're doing something bad to themselves. Yeah, I do get fooled, besides that, I got no harm. And themselves are the one that get guilty. So, what is that for me to be mad? At least, Im honest to myself. More than enough, isn't it? So, next time, think twice when you want to lie. People that get fooled have no harm, and you're the one that actually get guilty. :) Dont lie.

Day #125: Aaa-choooo!

Has an itchy nose today. Kept sneezing. Feel like cutting it off. Haha. Does it mean someone is missing me?? Hahha. Dad left for a week ad. Time flies. I still remember his face when he passed away. He wasnt struggling, but he went through a lot. I miss him. I tell him everyday, i wish he hears me. I hope when i go back for class on monday, no one will ask me whether im okay. Cause im not. Just dont ask me in my face, i will not know how to react.  i can smile, i can laugh, its me, but when im alone, i think im another person. Hmmm... Its alright. :) Let go everything, Yung. Kept asking why is a childish act. Everything is meant to be so and it will be fine. :)

Day #124: Please.

I beg again, please take away the memory of you from me. I dont even cherish a single bit of the memory. It makes me suffer like no tomorrow. I rather i didnt meet you before. Sorry, that im weak. 4 months. It's even longer than the time we're together. But it haunts me again and again. This 4 months, every second i had, seems like putting me to death. I cant be as cool as you. I look okay, from the outside, but who knows, inside is tearing apart in every second. I miss dad. I really miss him. He told my aunt before he passed away, that he's regret he didnt have the chance to bring me out for vacation or even just a walk in shopping center. Thought back, i didnt have the chance to go out with my family. Ever since he's ill, i was just in primary school. I really grew up in such family. But i didnt blame my dad. I remembered, i made sure myself to wake up every weekend early in the morning to go breakfast with parents, even siblings didnt join. Mentally, i cant recover from both incidents that happened to me. If i knew something like that will happen, i will not even fall in love with someone that make myself miserable. If i knew i was this weak.

Day #123: Pretzel.

Attempt on pretzel with sister today. I think it's kind of fail, but who cares, first attempt. Went to get some grocery and baking ingredients. But we really dont have the mood to walk around. Just got the ingredients and went home right after it. Its not that im not feeling well, but i really dont feel good. I need someone to talk to so badly. I cant find anyone. Friends supposed to come over tomorrow, but i have no idea why theyre not coming anymore. When i feel like crying, i really want to cry my lungs out. Oh please. I had enough forcing myself to be okay. Why do i even want to care how people think? Im just useless. To think about those unnecessary things. It's not that people will care what you're up to. But, Yung, why do you still keep thinking? Everything happens for a reason. Believe in what you're believing, Yung. It's okay. Everything will be alright. It will be. Hard times are over. I always forget to love myself more, and put you as my prior. Its okay. :)

Day #122: Tough.

When a girl is being strong, does it mean that people can hurt her like no feelings? I dont need people to pity. I dont need symphaty. Ask me only when you mean it, not because you think im pitiful. Yes. No one has the duty or responsible to care, not everyone gives a damn to my problem, if you dont mean it, fine. DONT ASK. Im really tired. Of everything. Why do you want to drag me into your life when you dont have the intention to leave her or stay in mine? I was just a normal person. Everything happened in this year is just hurtful. I just wanted a normal college life. Its not that i dont want to talk to anyone, i know friends are there. But i dont know how to express it and i dont like talking through phones. Because of a person, i completely lose the trust to tell people about my problems too. When you thought he cares and he doesnt, i just feel like a fool exposing my own problem as if people will care.

Day #121: Ashes.

Went to collect dad's ashes today. Didnt cry today. I know im not good, but it's not that i can do anything. Crying isnt going to help. Im not going to let myself to cry again. How bad i feel, not going to cry, anymore. Im not going to show my weak side again. No one can understand how it really feels. Half a year, I lost 2 of my dearest, what you want me to feel? Im too disappointed at myself. Too disappointed. I see how my mum force herself. She kept doing housework to fill her emptiness. Even when we're having dinner, she had the time to sit down and think, she'll start crying. It's not good. Keep laughing, doesnt mean im good. Im really tired and depressed. I really want to talk to someone, and i really cant find that someone. Who can i talk to? Please. Tell. Me.

Day #120: Gone.

He's gone, forever. I will always remember his face. Totally break down today. Even mum. All the things that we had to do due to the tradition thing is just heartbreaking. I didnt know mum has to break the comb. That's to initiate that mum and dad are going on their own after this. Something like divorce. Isnt that hurtful? I cant do anything and just kept on shouting for mum and dad. After dad's body is put into the car, I really cant say anything and sat there quietly. I was so weak that i need people to support me and hold me. I almost pass out today. Because of the fever, crying too much, and lack of sleep for nights. I can feel myself swaying when i was praying. Luckily cousins were there to hold me. And i was so weak that i need my uncle to carry me down the car. I miss dad. :( And please, dont say you understand how much ive been through, how this year is hard for me, cause no one really understands the pain. Sometimes, i really want to talk to you, but i just cant. Remember, he's someone else's. You still have to take things alone, Yung. :) Dont believe people.

Day #119: Star.

I see a very bright star hanging in the dark sky. I think that's my dad. :) He's looking at us and blessing us, I know that. I cant go near to dad's body. Really cant, cause i will break down. Whenever i go near, i will just cry out of no where. Hmmm... Just miss my dad. :( It's okay. Telling myself it's okay will be good enough. I thought someone will come. High school friends wanted to come, but they dont know the way. College friends, none, i think it's because its holiday and everyone went back to hometown. At least theres one of my friends came. Good enough. Sometimes, you just need a shoulder to cry on. I dont know what to do. Hmmm.. i think im still having slight fever. Uhhh.. Bit dizzy. :(

Day #118: Funeral.

Dad had left us. This is my first time to have a funeral within the family, as in relatives. And it happens on my dad. I miss dad so much. I miss him warm hand. Miss his advices. Miss him everything. But from another point of view, it's somehow good too. At least dad doesnt have to suffer anymore. He's good now, in heaven. He doesnt have to fear of injection, medicine, pain. I see him having his last breath, that machine that showed his heartbeats, from high to low, and to straight line. He was unconscious. But i know he can hear me, can hear us. Dad, i will be a strong girl, will not fear of any failure. I will listen to mum, study hard, earn money, and give mum a good life. Sorry that i wasnt able to give you the comfort that you deserve. The regret. I love you, dad. Find a place that you are comfort to, you'll have peace and happiness. God will lead you the way. Bless me, dad. And im having slight fever. Hmm..

Day #117: Leaving?

Will he be leaving tonight? I dont know. Hope everything is alright. Staying in hospital tonight. And unfortunately, i miss you too. Stupid brain.

Day #116: Tears.

In my life, I tried so hard to make people happy, without caring my image, being a retard, laugh like a clown, smile like im the happiest girl, but who knows what i had to put that smile on? Who can actually think that behind that smile, are all scars. A heartbroken to have another heartbroken. Please appreciate what you have, know that you're actually so lucky. Not everyone has that. Im not asking for more. I do appreciate my life. I had so much to let you go. It's killing me, still. You begged me, last time. But why didnt you think that i need you too? I need you so much. Ive stand up so long, and im really tired. I really cannot afford anything anymore. As usual, I will not cry in front of anyone. I will continue to smile, to laugh, to be a retard. And spread the happiness to people who deserve it.

Day #115: Nervous.

Im sorry that i cant get rid of you out of my mind. Im sorry that im still loving you. Im sorry that i feel too much. Im sorry that im easily affected by you. Im sorry for all. I just couldnt forget you. All the time when i needed you, you were there. But not anymore. You used to be the one that i tell everything to, but now youre the one that i hide everything away from. I love you. Always do.

Day #114: Gathering?

Its been a really long time since i see some of the relatives. But i dont know why, today everyone just bang into my house. I just feel awkward. I couldnt sleep last night, at all. The nightmare, kept haunting me. I dont know what to feel. I dont want that day to be here so soon. But it's not anything i can control or manage. I know what will happen since long time, but everything gets worse and worse. What else we can do? We cant do anything. We tried every way to make things right, but it just doesnt work out. With my own problem, how can i feel good. How can i be truly happy? Even in class today, everything just rush into my mind. My family, you, homework, quizzes, just everything. I want to cry so badly. Though i know crying wont help any little. But i really dont know what else to do. Please dont let that day to be here so soon. Im just fear of accepting the truth. I dont want to. A broken heart that hasnt recover at all doesnt want to have another heartbroken. God bless me. Im afraid.

Day #113: Father.

Followed mum to Seremban this morning for dad's medical appointment. It was a long journey and for a person at my age, being dragged early in the morning, is a torture. Anyway, I still followed. That's why i missed the chance to go back to uni to study. When the master was talking to mum, i overheard something. Its all expected. We reached home in late noon. I couldnt rush to uni. Dad talked to me. After all the years, it's the first time he really talked to me. He told about my young time, how i should face the future and be strong no matter what happens. Surprisingly he said, dont ever depend on a guy in my future. I thought of you. Whatever you did. Whatever i went through. I didnt dare to tell him anything. I just cried and cried. I looked at my scars, cried even harder. I know, things happen. I cant expect everything to be smooth. And im sure im not having a smooth one. I told you things, but you didnt give a damn to it. You were the closest person i had. I told you every single thing. But now, i dont have the trust to tell anyone anything. Even towards different persons, I shouldnt imply things like that on others, but i just cant tell anyone else. When the closest person you think that he wont hurt you, but he hurt you, how can you still have the trust towards humans. I realised, how i smile, i actually fear of everything happened and going to happen. Dad, I know you were expecting me to say something, but i was crying so badly that i cant even talk, but i love you. I do.

* Not forgetting it used to be an important day.

Day #112: Windy.

Im thinking, whether i have a time that i dont think about you? Hmm.. I dont know. Maybe not. Everytime my mind just automatically flow to you and myself trying to fight back. Until a level that im numb to all things. Dont even know what i want now. Isnt that stupid? :( I went for golf today. Wilson gor gor said im too flexible that always get my swing screws up. Not a good thing. Always doing the same mistakes for years. Once its fixed, after a while, it gets back to the bad one. Pfft. When same mistakes are done for times, it annoys you. I mean it. Cousin came over to my place. We played guitar together, just to try out the songs i practised. I really have bad coordination. I cant coordinate my brain with my fingers, or hand. It causes a lot of trouble. Hahaha.

Note to self: Everything willl be alright. It will be. You tried your best. Its okay. Just dont need to care. You can  be strong. And you will be. Everything, just smile. Act like theres nothing happened. Hide to yourself. Be happy.

Day #111: Sentimental.

It's 12.30am. I just finished my shower. Having late night shower is not good. Its too cold. Ahh. I remembered how i used to torture myself. :( To shower in cold water. But i might do that again, someday. :/ When i cant control myself again. Trying my best to keep everything under control. I was playing with y guitar. Im trying so hard to at least get one song work out. Ahh. Guitar is not as easy as everyone thinks. :( I realised in my phone, all the songs  have, are mostly those old, romantic, sentimental, love songs. Somehow the lyrics mean a lot more than what the current hits having now.

The smile on your face let me know that you need me,
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me,
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me, whenever i fall,
You say it best... When you say nothing at all..

People around me really deserve to be happy. They have the best smiles, but people like to hurt them and thought that they are tough enough to hold the pain. Overthink, assumptions, and high expectations always ruin things. People should leave their comfort zone and be strong enough move forward. I know im not strong enough. But Im trying my best. Im not going to give up. If you want to see me to back down, I will show you how far i can go. Ive reached my maximum limit, but same time, im pushing myself further. People keep saying, dont force yourself. I know i have to force myself. I know i have to. I have no choice. I dont want to lose my leftover dignity anymore to let you, everyone else to look down.

Day #110: November.

Isnt the day a bit too long? I just couldnt stop blogging. Im really stressful. With my current condition, my studies and projects. I dont even know whether im alright. I have to cry myself to sleep every night. Im tired saying im okay, but beside that, i dont know what else to say. I cant expect people to understand me. Please tell me what else i can do? I know i cant blame anything, i cant change a thing. I didnt even expect myself to sit in front of the laptop in the midnight, crying alone. I tried my best to leave everything out of my mind, but i really cant take it anymore. I really have the urge to jump down the building. I cant tell anyone what im having now. Not everyone is having what i am, how can i expect them to understand me. Im not magnifying my small problem, but if you pay attention to see or listen to what im having, you'll know. Im not trying to ask people to pity me, cause i dont need anyone's pity. I just dont understand why do i still dream about you at night? The person that will never ever exist in my life anymore. The person who doesnt even want to stay in my life. Its a new month. I hope everything will go well. Im really tired of myself. Enough of relying on others. Did i even rely on anyone? Was i being to dependent? Wasnt i facing the problems? Or running away?

Day #109: Halloween.

Happy Halloween to all!! Everytime i say Halloween, automatically i will think of pumpkins. I dont know why. HAhah. Craved pumpkinssss! So cute. ISP is stressing me now. I have to do the video. I dont mind doing the video, but please, i need information! Texted those people, dont reply. Whatsapp, dont reply. Okay, finally replied, but only once. SO ANNOYING! How am i going to do thingssss?? Hmmm.. Its okay. Calm, Yung. Soon to be over. :) Food, makes me happy. I made potato salad for breakfast tomorrow. Hope its going to make my day well. :D These days are just so hard for me. I dont know. Maybe im thinking too much again. I just remember all the days we spent, we went through. It wasnt easy, but yet it was the best time. But if i have to go through all this shit, i rather to give up the best time. Sorry. Im not a person who can afford to be abandoned and left alone. I rather im alone all the while. Ohh. And Sandy is hitting New York really bad. Glad that cousin and family are all good there. :( People should stop polluting for further disasters. I think im going to be sick. Nose so itchy.
I realise my blog posts dont follow sequences when i type. Everything jumble up. HAHA. First about what happened to myself, then my thoughts, then feelings, back to daily stuffs, and some stupid own theories. I wonder what people feel to read these.. Hmm..

Day #108: Love.

Love is today's title cause im listening to Jason Mraz's Everything is sound. It started with "When there is love~~". Hahahah. Just being random. Nice song too. I slept early last night. It was a very satisfying sleep since ive been lack of sleep these days. However, i had a very weird dream. Really weird. People always say, dream is something you think about involuntary, i wonder whether its true. I wish it's not true, but somehow, i think it is true. Maybe im trying to deny everything i feel, i dont know. I dont like the feeling being not sure of what i feel. But all i can do is ignoring and ignoring and ignoring. Just let it off, Yung. But remember, DONT CRY. Nothing to cry about. Nothing. Remember, youre a strong girl. Find myself back. I just recall, how was i exposed to One Direction.. What make you beautiful, One Thing.. Uhhh.. Okay.. Im never this determine before. Though, still failing at times. Its not that im determine to do anything, but determine to stand up. Its easy to say, but never easy to do. Im suffering every single day to work this out. Just let me go through this shit.

*i n 55!W 1 [I really do.]

Day #107: Magic.

I dont know what to do. I dont know how long more i can stand, Ive really reached my maximum limit. Smile, smile and smile. Does it really work? I dont know. But that's all i can do. Whatever i said, i thought im able to do well, and i think i am, just not good enough. I know how everything works. I know how i feel. I know myself. Just sometimes, i deny myself. Cause i dont know what to do anymore. If everything is so easy, it would be good. Life is never east, noted. Hold on there, Yung. Its good enough till this time. Be confident, you dont need people's agreement in anything, you know that. You're much more better than anything, You dont need people to know what youve been through, cause you know what to expect from them. I still remember, that time i went to Dr Khor's clinic, he said to Uncle Ken, "This girl changed. She's more confident now." I was shock to hear that, probably, im more comfortable with my own friends, who dont even know whats my problems, but i know im good to put everything on my shoulders. That's what a smile can hide. Love is magical, but magic can be an illusion too. I dont know the definition of love anymore. I dont even dare to open up. Im young, i know. I still have plenty of time, i know. But this stupid mind, just couldnt let the right person in, instead making the wrong one stays. Girls are always stupid, when it comes to things like that. -.-" Silly people. Goodnight.

Day #106: Stressful.

I wanted to go back to uni to study today. Urghhh. But things happened. So annoying, Cant really study after all. I have to catch up all the syllabus. I cannot wait till exam only I start study. Just so stress with everything happened around. All things. Anyway, CIMB Classic's result turns out quite out of expectation. HAHA. Thought that Kruger will win, but ended Watney won. Hahah. But he played so well that overall 22 under. Good one.
I realised myself, think of you more frequent these days. Its not right. Totally not right. Never right. If i can just forget things, it must be really good. I hate myself doing that. Everything will be alright, Yung. I talked to mum today about some problem. I told her, everything happened, just smile. What else can we do when we face problem after trying your best and people dont appreciate it? Smile. Just that easy. I can tell her how easy it is, but im not even sure, whether i can do it. But i dont think so. Ive been trying so hard to get everything off my mind. I just couldnt. Still fighting for that one moment. I know i can do it. Cause i know you wouldnt care anymore. And im trying my best to not care for anyone anymore. People take advantage from people who care for them. Thats true. I totally agree.

Day #105: Nature.

The mother nature is so beautiful. Its so amazing that how the nature brings the beauty to our life, lighten it, brighten it, colored it and beautify it. Just a simple flower is able to change the atmosphere of the event. Like, how roses make a place romantic, how flowers make a successful wedding and how trees make a garden looks lively. God's creation, best ever. It's just so pretty. As usual, went golf today. It was awesome, like always. I realised, a person, he can laugh, joke insult people everytime, but when it comes to something really serious, like health, hes much more responsible than you ever thought. CK is so responsible about everything, though hes been annoying and disturbing, to me. But without his disturbance, i know every golf time will be boring though. LOL. Im blessed that im surrounded with people who have good hearts being kind and caring, just a few that are really suckers. -.- Its okay, Yung. Just forget about those who dont even care about anything, theres much more that worth you from caring. Ohh. And i stalked one of my friend's facebook. She's such a slut. Seriously. On the 13th of Oct, she told this guy how much she missed him and so, but on the 23rd of Oct, she changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" with another guy. THAT IS SO GROSS. Ewww. Just saying. LOL. Some people just can get into a relationship so fast. I dont even think she's serious in dating that person. I mean to both. -.- Like how you did to me, apparently.

"Saying i love you, is not the words that i want to hear from you, Its not that i want you, not to say but if you only knew, how easy it would be to show me how you feel, more than words, is all you have to do to make it real than you wouldnt have to say  that you love me, Cause i'd already know." - More than words (Westlife) This is one of my favorite song. Yeah, as everyone says, action means more than words. Dont ever trust guys, I mean it. All of their words are just sweet words that got you into traps and never mean to save you out from it again. They'll let you die inside, alone. Or else, climb out yourself.

Day #104: Holiday.

Its a public holiday today. Stayed at home and grew some mushrooms. LOL. I was so bored for the whole day. I just dont know what to do. I broke my spectacles too. And so, i went to the optical shop to repair it in the evening. Clumsy Yung. :( After repairing my spectacles, sis and I went Midvalley to get something. To fill in the baking cupboard. Ive baked too much recently. Thats why need to refill the ingredients. So happy that i bought so many ingredients. HAhaha. Should try to bake something new soon. :P While walking, i found myself, somehow, thinking about you. When i realised that, i hate myself even more. Ive been buried all the feelings deep down. It shouldnt just show up like this. It suffers me. When i realised im thinking about you, i just quickly switch my mind to other things. I know it didnt work, just temporarily ignore. If im stronger, nothing like this will happen. If im a robot, everything will be so beautiful. Theres too many if in the life, that people nowadays dont even know to choose the right decision. If i did that, If i chose this... And whatever. People will lose the ability to think. Should stop saying If. If you dont have a demanding family, If you didnt like your ex like before. Too many ifs. Overthinking ruins everything. Well, Yung, just hold on there.

Day #103: Absence.

I wonder do you even care of my absence? Probably not, just thinking too much again. Running away from the truth for one day is so good for me. After the emotional day, which is yesterday, I was absent for today's class. To me, it's a big relief that im able to do things that i like and run away from you. I feel so good, though im tired. Love can make people think foolishly, act stupidly, and do things blindly.Waking up from a dream is hard, but continuing a dream that never will be true is even harder. Cause we will only live in the illusions that we imagined and never feel the reality. I wish I could dream about being with you and dont want to wake up from it, but i know it wont work. Never will. And i have to force myself to wake up from the dream. Too much illusions are not good for our minds. We might not able to differentiate the real world and the world that filled with lies and illusions. I have to stay optimistic and be happy always. To have a positive mind. To make things right. To make sure im alright. To do things well. I dont like being too weak. I dont like being attacked again and again. I have to rebuild my wall. A stronger one to resist any feelings or anything else. Stand up, Yung. I wish Noah from the notebook exists. It will be so nice, if person like that really exists.

Day #102: Robot.

Oh yeah. I wished im a robot, sincerely from my heart. At least, like the movie, i dont have to feel anything. Not even a single bit of feelings. I tried so hard to build up my wall to keep the distance, to ignore myself, to be strong, ended up, everything is just ruined like that, in a second. Im not strong. I can move till now, its more than what i expected. What i have to overcome is more than anyone out there can imagine. Saying im tired is not going to help in anything, it's not that i can do anything about it anymore. Its all my fault. I built the wall to protect myself to fall for you more and more. But it just fall off like that. What can i do? I just didnt expect myself to be so weak again. I tried my best to hold to the end, but i really cant. I just cant. I didnt expect myself to react like that. I tried to not put myself in the situation, but it fits so well on me. Everything is like its destined to happen. For jae's incident to the replacement, the storyline and everything. I thought i can handle better than what i did, but no. Overestimate myself. Such a failure.

Day #101: Baking.

Baking is fun. I love baking. But i dont eat what i baked. HAHA. Am i picky? I just dont like sweet stuff. I baked for my etp group. Its my first attempt on baking for bigger groups of people. Its a big challenge, especially i cant get enough ingredients. HAHA. With limited ingredients, i baked what i can. It looks nice. I wish it really tastes nice. >.< And i ate chocolate today. Though im not supposed to, but i did. And im happy after eating it. :D Today, Divya invited me for lunch. I accompanied her and talked to her about many things. It's my first time letting everything out. At least someone knows, what am i really actually suffering from. We sat by the lake, and i just couldnt control and cried. Part of it because of the same reason. I hate myself. For dropping tears for you again and again. Ignoring surroundings. Hide myself in my own world. The world that will not betray me. I cant afford to lose anymore things. Im such a loser. I dont expect everything around to be perfect. If they're not, then i'll make them perfect. I know, if i trust, i can. How annoying everything is, i'll do good. I know im capable in doing everything. Truth is always cruel. If you did not fail before, youll never know the pain. How cruel the truth can be, end up, it the one that brings you up. I believe in that. I chose to believe the words you gave me that were all lies. Cause it's not a truth. How much people told me, it stabs me every part. But i know i have to grow from there. Instead of dwelling with a guy that will not even look at me. Where i fall, i have to wake up from there. I cant expect people to carry me to the finishing line. Which is impossible. If i dont give any effort to reach the finishing line, it's not even a victory. Prolly victory with shame.