My Escape.

Going on board in few hours time. I will be heading to KK tonight. Its a place that i always wanted to go. So desperately. HAHA. But.. yeah.. Dont like the people there. Sorry. Have opinion about that. And hope everything goes well. Will be staying there for few hours only. Waiting for transit. Yay! I wish one day, when im okay with things there, I'll be able to have a holiday in Sabah. I love the place there. A pretty place. :) Hope this escape will let me put down things and at least let me feel better. :) Hate things that happened to me. Pfft. Byeeeee. :)

Grown up.

I've grown up so much that im no longer the person will stay beside you and hope you'll come back one day. Cause i know, I tried my best, that's it. You pushed me away. I got no regrets. Everytime i watch movie or dramas, I see couples who have similar problems. They always go for the second person. Which i assume its my position. I wonder, why they can do that for the girl, but not you? I have that in mind for a lot of times. Think further, they are all written by the directors. Reality doesnt go that way. It may, but not in ours. Cause obviously you didnt even fight for me. :) I will not say a thing anymore. Not worth. And it's okay. Im happy with my life now, filled with golf, gym, happy things and happy people that makes my life easier and happier. And I dont need you in my life anymore. I will pretend that you dont exist anymore. Like a stranger. :) As you wish, at first. Hurts, but its cool. :)

Wheeeeee~~!

Actually i wonder whether do you still read this, but it doesnt make a change anymore. Most probably you dont. Im not feeling really good, but just for some time, i'll be good. I must be good. Being honest, no one can replace you. But it will all become memories. I hate going through things alone, sometimes, we have to go through in order to grow. How much i dont want to grow, we still must grow. I know He wants me to be stronger. Im just waiting for the right one. :) Im positive now. :D

Im alright.

It's okay. Yung, you'll be alright. It's a past. You tried your best to hold, now is your time to give up. To be a stronger person. You know, this whole thing doesnt even worth your care, your concern. Soon, you'll be alright. Love yourself more, be a better person. Smile more. Pretend more. Hide more. I got a lot of things i want to say. But it's okay. Everything will be fine. Nothing should be told, nothing should be unfold. Everything should be remain as this. Promises should be kept. Especially things that I promised myself. No matter how hard, I must go through. Determine for this time. Too much time wasted and not being appreciated. Im such a fool. You must be happy right now.

Stephanie Chia.

Just got a surprise from the person I love. It's my first time getting a greeting card through post. She's the only one that I can really spill out everything to. She's the only one that able to make me cry with just one sentence. I miss her so much that I wish I can fly to London immediately to give her a hug. A hug that will tell me everything will be alright when she's always by my side. I will never forget the friendship we have. The time when we're in kindergarten, to primary school, until we lost contact, then met again in tuition. Is it fate that we have, to pull us together no matter how hard it is? It might sound gross to anyone, but I appreciate her more than what I can describe with words. She's the person that will never betray me, that will always be there for me, that will give me strength, that will put all my worries on herself and share with me, that will be angrier than me when someone takes advantage of me. No matter how far she is, it still makes me happy to just get her message. I dont know who else I can count on without her.

Day #174: Give up.

 I chose the path of changing you and so, all kind of crap. I did not regret, seriously. I still cry, still feel. But I chose the path, I should be responsible to myself, I will not blame any of you because you're not going as what I expect. You don't have the responsible to go as I wish. I understand that. But I think I'm giving up. I feel sorry for myself. If you dont wish to stay in my life, while i try my best to stay in yours, it just doesnt work in one way. Vows are strong and meaningful. But who can actually do as how it was said. I think im really giving up.. Everyone says, when a person really gives all she has to put in the effort, that special person can feel it. Really? Dont think so. Will good things happen to me again? I dont know. I will appreciate all my days fully. For someone who doesnt even care about me, Im just wasting my time.

Day #173: Doctors.

Life. Does everyone know how to appreciate life? Do we actually know how lucky we are? Not everyone is able to go home again once they go out. We will not know what will happen to us while walking on the street. Everything is out of expectation. Who will know when are we actually dying? Just because life is unpredictable, we have to live the life we have, appreciate everything we have, enjoy every moment of life that God gives us. Doctors, what are their jobs? To save people? Will they get use to the nature of death? They see people dying everyday, but when one day, if their family member passes away, will they still be calm? Will everything be alright? I am grateful that I was able to take care of dad before he left. At least I have the chance to understand what he underwent everyday because of the disease. Some people, just because of an accident, their family members leave them without any sign. That's even worse. Who knows the victim promised to get home early to have a dinner with family, but ended up lying on the surgery table, without a breathe? How hurtful the victim's family will feel? We wont know until it really happens on us. It's so easy to say, death is part of the life, but when it really comes, do we actually have the courage to face everything? People say, Live While We're Young, YOLO, but it doesn't mean to waste your life on drugs. It's just asking you to appreciate your life, enjoy every moment you have. Everyone has their own choice of living, as long as you think that's worth it, so it is.

Day #172: Birthday.

Happy birthday to you. You're 19. Just hope your years ahead to be well. I guess? Guess you're happy without my existence. Should just leave it that way. I was just stupid that wanted to wish you first, and i know someone else will call too, thats why i called 2 minutes earlier. But, you just cut off my line. Dont know whether in purpose, but it still hurts. I convinced myself for the whole day, just live your life. You're just disturbing people's good life. For what? Theres no point in everything I do. I just have to clear my mind and keep myself busy. Waiting for something that you clearly know it's not going to happen, it's just suffering and torturing. We just get different kind of treatment due to different position in you. May all your wishes come true. May the world be with you. May one day, you'll remember what you had promised. May you be yourself again. May I disappear in front of you. Have a blast.

Day #171: 2013.

It's the first day of 2013. Alright, it doesnt make any difference besides the group of numbers has a minor change. People make it as if its a really big day. Kay, maybe it is. Just me that not interested in celebrating it. Anyway, if it's really a good day to sweep off the past and new things to come along, I wish the coming year to be a smooth year. Theres too much dramas in last year that myself cant even handle properly. I almost kill myself in 2012 and Im glad that Im still alive for this 2013. Im grateful with everything. Be a person, we cannot be selfish, cannot be greedy. We all deserve what we deserve. Can never ask for more things, after you try your best to get it. Nothing is more hurtful than seeing the person you love to beg you to let him go while you're trying your best to make the best out of it. Everyone has different views, we cannot expect people to see everything in the way we see it. We must grow up, to see things around. I was watching this show, they said, dont have expectation, cause if the result didnt come out as you expect, you'll get disappointed again. But, sometimes, during the hard time, the expectations are the ones that act as the motivation and give you full strength to achieve the impossible. So, should we expect or we shouldnt? Is it a mistake to expect? Till now, do you think im really okay? Do you think im not suffering? I never satisfy with the decision, I said a lot of times, but anything i can change? Theres a lot more than I want to change, but can I? Relationship is a bout 2 individuals, if one side keeps putting effort to make things go on, but the other side keeps running away or giving up, theres no way to say it's going to work out. Dont ever dream of forever. In a relationship, one side keeps asking to break up, no matter how hard the other tries, it will never work. Cause the one that ask to break up will always be the dominant and the one that always tries will end up taking all the blames, swallowing all the pains. Then whats the purpose to make that work? Wake up, and see the world properly, to whoever that can fit into this situation. Dont give up on the one that loves you, for the one that wants to run away from you. We live for ourselves. Love is not the whole world.