Wondering.

I was wondering the whole time, whats wrong with my life? I dont blame, I appreciate, Im contented. But it didnt seem enough. Things never go right with me. Whenever i think it might be the start of something good, but it ended up something bad. What are people expecting? I know I shouldnt blame. Im not either, Im just wondering, did I do anything wrong? I just wanna be free of these stupid useless things. It is bad to ask for something? Cause it seems like, everything, anyone that I like, I will never get, no matter how much effort I put in. But its fine, just gonna follow the flow and let things go its way. I believe, I reckon. You can do this, Yung! :)

释放自己。

既然没办法把自己最真心的告诉你，那就让它以字，留在这里就好。
敢爱敢恨，容易说但又有谁有那种勇气去做呢？说了出来，不怕连朋友都没得做吗？
自从我们停止信息，我一直都有留意你的动静。又如何呢？时不时都会想找话题和你聊天，你却三言两语地说说就算。
我想把一切都写下以警惕自己不要再那么幼稚，天真了。

我喜欢你，很喜欢。这是真的。可能对你来说，你很快很快地就可以把我给忘了。而我，却越陷越深。可能一切都说不上爱，可是我真的希望你可以感受到我的心。 我知道我不可能把这些都说出来，或许有一天吧，可是如果今天我不把它写下，我的情绪就一直被你牵连。你可能已经认识新的女孩子，有新的喜欢的人，我也不能阻止，只能呆呆地望着，可是也无所谓了吧，喜欢你，就该让你开心，不能为了自己而让你改变。无论我有多想为你改变，只因想和你一起，我也该知道这不太可能了，因为你也彻底地变心了。可能我应该谢谢你，趁早告诉我，至少我自己还知道底线。 我真心的希望你在哪一天想起我，会主动找我，主动跟我说话。我很开心你至少曾经尝试爱上我的一切，我的全部。你，绝对不是我的理想对象，可能因为真的喜欢，所以一切曾经幻想的，变得可有可无了。你就是你。喜欢的就是你。

一切可能是自己一厢情愿，自己把喜欢放大成爱，我自己其实蛮确定自己的感受，一切都是环绕着你。有时候，适当的放手，是真正得到的源头。一些事情是永远勉强不来，是你的就是你的。可能真的是自己失去了机会，但一切都是有原因，要坚信自己。我很好，没必要受苦。喜欢上你是我的福气，认识你是我的开心。我也要继续微微笑地祝福你。要好好注意健康， 不要吸太多烟，别喝太多酒了。爱你, 陈则升。 :)

Childhood fairy tale.

I used to imagine how things will be in my future. In terms of my love life. :P I imagined to have a really beautiful wedding, in a beautiful white dress and veil, with natural flower fragrance. I dont have specific favourite flower, any will do. Walking towards the alter, feeling grateful. Looking through the crowd, feeling the love in the air, thinking, "It's finally my day". Playing the song "Set me as a seal", happily holding the person's hand. It will be best, if dad will be there.
Future, how my family will be. How am i going to give the best to my kids. Hoping he will love me no matter how, never leave me and be there for me. Actually i just want a happy family.
HAHHAHA! After all, im just imagining too much. Well, it's not wrong to imagine, i have a dream? :P

Faith.

Had a great 3 days "trip" to cyberjaya with the seniors and lecturers eventhough its for work. People seem to be very nice. I consider that a mini getaway from the reality. I hate myself for being attaching, for wanting everything to be in my way. Actually i just want thing to be simple, easy. But life cant be easy i know. Therefore, I have to face things with a smile, at least it helps to lighten up my days abit. I understand how things cant be smooth. Dr Adeline said, have faith in everything you do, and so, everything will be fine. i believe that. I love my life. I have to. If not things will be much harder. I love my life, always. :)

Grateful.

HAhah, Im grateful with everything that is happening to me right now. I dont have a reason to be sad anymore. :)

Weakness.

Its been a long time since i last updated, i guess? HAahha. Its been a hectic period. Assignments and exams. Sighh. But im doing good! :D Im capable in doing everything. Anyway, i thought i knew myself well enough. However, its a totally new knowledge to let me learn about myself. I just started to see all my weaknesses. Im such a perfectionist, especially in terms of golf. I will not allow myself to have any faulty hits. People said, when you hit bad, hit some cover shots, and it will be fine again, it's not the end of the world. However, i didnt realise i always expect myself to hit every shot with perfect impact and swing, just to get the ball to reach the desire distance. If not, i will be damn moody that i can even throw temper. Bad thing, yung. Next, Im sensitive. I hate people judging. -.- Prolly because what people's opinions towards me or prolly a particular human causes it. -.- But damn. I hate that. -.- I shouldnt care anything. Furthermore, Im insecure. I assume a lot. Which i think kind of annoys people. But if I didnt care, I wouldnt even spend time to assume. I think I need to put in more effort to be a better person. I will never give up. Trying to learn to control myself, manage myself. :) Good days ahead!

Hi.

Hi dad. How are you? Its been half a year. I still miss you so much. Nowadays, when i see dads bringing their kids to walk around, I have this feeling, I wish my dad is here too. Daughter that has a dad is a really beautiful thing. I wish I had more time with you. That day, when I had golf, which was a terrible game, I played so bad that people around me were so scared of me when they see my reaction after every shot. Dad, Wilson said i did not enjoy the game and keep wanting every shot to be perfect which makes the whole game worse. How can i enjoy when i cant play well. I've played golf for nearly ten years. Those shots are not acceptable. I still remember I told you, no matter how bad my game is, I will not allow 3 putts or any top shots in my game. I need all the shots get the best impact. But i did not do that during the whole game. Even my driver shots were screwed. How can I forgive myself? Im not really a perfectionist, but when it comes to golf, I am, for sure. Cause that is the only connection I have with you, with all the clubs that you bought for me. They said my clubs are not good enough, are for kids, asking me to sell it away, but i will never do that. Why didnt you enter my dream? Do you know how much i want to see you, but i cant? Please be here for me.