给爸爸的话

爸, 我真的真的很想你。我好希望你还在。我撑不住了。一年了,你走了一年了。我伤心时,已经没有动力让我撑下去了。为什么妈妈只会埋怨我不够好? 我只想保护她,不要让她给人骗。她只会说我不帮她,不教她。哥哥姐姐可以拍拍屁股就走,不管她。当我告诉他们,她又讲我害她给人骂。我不想的。自从你走后,每次发脾气以后,不管是不是我的错,我都跟她道歉,不是因为我觉得我错了,而是我知道她之前付出了很多,我不可以乱乱对她发脾气,所以我无所谓,忍一忍就没事了。可是为什么她不了解? 只会嫌弃我? 自己的妈妈对自己嫌三嫌四,一点都不好受。有时我也想要被人称赞,疼爱。我也知道她有尽量在金钱和物质上满足我,但有时候我真的不需要那些。这些东西她永远都不会知道。我也发现,自己越来越不喜欢跟她说话了。可能是她变了,或是我自己。

Happy for no reason.

I wonder, do people get happy cause of they are smiling or they are smiling cause they are happy? Hmm.. Anyway, happiness comes from yourself, and never ever depend it on anyone. The true happiness, doesnt really need reason. You dont need to find reason to smile, you smile cause youre feeling happy, feel like smiling. To me, everyone's smile is such a motivation to me. When you see people smile, dont you feel that the day finishes faster? To me, definitely it is. Im grateful, and thankful. To have everyone in my life. Everyone that worth the stay. :)

Getting over.

Hahah. Its so pretty and beautiful to like someone. Just like. Eventhough sometimes its just hurtful. But well, we have to go through something to learn right? I just cant believe it meant so much. HAhha. All the things you did, was just so sweet and overwhelming. I couldnt believe someone will actually do that to me. :) Cant be anymore grateful and happy. Anyway, I met someone this week. I knew you were there. I knew you saw me. I knew. But things no longer the same anymore. I can be friends with anyone, be happy, be crazy with anyone, just not you. You should have know what you did was really hurtful. I got over it doesnt mean i dont remember it. I remember every ounce of pain I had. I was alone. I went through it, and now, you deserve all the consequences. I really wanted to reply you. But I just cant. I dont have any reason to talk to you anymore. Dont tell me its a friend thing. I dont treat you as a friend, honestly. You were the best, also the worst thing that can happen to me.

No title.

I have a feeling that its gonna be a bad day today. Everything seems so awkward. Or maybe i expected too much? Hmm.. But everything will be fine. :) Happy Birthday, friend. Have a nice, great one. With the person you want to spend with. :) Need to head off to read some motivating articles to boost up my mood. HAhaha! :)

长大了吗？

感觉上自己好像会想了很多，却并不知道是真还是假。以前我爱上了一个人，分手后，却死缠烂打。现在，我喜欢某人，却只在意他过得开心就好。我不奢望得到任何人的爱，只希望，我爱的，我喜欢的，开心就好。可能差别并不在于自己是否长大了，而是对于那个人，感觉可能没比前任的强吧。反而我要谢谢后者，让我知道，没什么比自己还重要。到头来，只能靠自己。男生，总而来说，都是一样，来得快，去得更快。也让我晓得，要幸福，自己一定要有必要的素质，加上自己的争取，才有机会修得正果。蓉蓉，没什么难的倒你。我喜欢的，我爱的，等我吧。我不勉强，只要过得了自己，对得起自己，知道自己曾经付出过，无悔了。

Lost.

I have no idea what had happened recently. I was so related within you guys and didnt want things to go worse even at my first intention. Feelings developed so easily. Just so easily and that's when nightmare starts. It wasnt bad at first. I dont really care what the other thinks, Im just really concern about particular one. But things just changed. Im totally fine with it. Im just.. depressed. You should just stay in my mind. :)

Wondering.

I was wondering the whole time, whats wrong with my life? I dont blame, I appreciate, Im contented. But it didnt seem enough. Things never go right with me. Whenever i think it might be the start of something good, but it ended up something bad. What are people expecting? I know I shouldnt blame. Im not either, Im just wondering, did I do anything wrong? I just wanna be free of these stupid useless things. It is bad to ask for something? Cause it seems like, everything, anyone that I like, I will never get, no matter how much effort I put in. But its fine, just gonna follow the flow and let things go its way. I believe, I reckon. You can do this, Yung! :)

释放自己。

既然没办法把自己最真心的告诉你，那就让它以字，留在这里就好。
敢爱敢恨，容易说但又有谁有那种勇气去做呢？说了出来，不怕连朋友都没得做吗？
自从我们停止信息，我一直都有留意你的动静。又如何呢？时不时都会想找话题和你聊天，你却三言两语地说说就算。
我想把一切都写下以警惕自己不要再那么幼稚，天真了。

我喜欢你，很喜欢。这是真的。可能对你来说，你很快很快地就可以把我给忘了。而我，却越陷越深。可能一切都说不上爱，可是我真的希望你可以感受到我的心。 我知道我不可能把这些都说出来，或许有一天吧，可是如果今天我不把它写下，我的情绪就一直被你牵连。你可能已经认识新的女孩子，有新的喜欢的人，我也不能阻止，只能呆呆地望着，可是也无所谓了吧，喜欢你，就该让你开心，不能为了自己而让你改变。无论我有多想为你改变，只因想和你一起，我也该知道这不太可能了，因为你也彻底地变心了。可能我应该谢谢你，趁早告诉我，至少我自己还知道底线。 我真心的希望你在哪一天想起我，会主动找我，主动跟我说话。我很开心你至少曾经尝试爱上我的一切，我的全部。你，绝对不是我的理想对象，可能因为真的喜欢，所以一切曾经幻想的，变得可有可无了。你就是你。喜欢的就是你。

一切可能是自己一厢情愿，自己把喜欢放大成爱，我自己其实蛮确定自己的感受，一切都是环绕着你。有时候，适当的放手，是真正得到的源头。一些事情是永远勉强不来，是你的就是你的。可能真的是自己失去了机会，但一切都是有原因，要坚信自己。我很好，没必要受苦。喜欢上你是我的福气，认识你是我的开心。我也要继续微微笑地祝福你。要好好注意健康， 不要吸太多烟，别喝太多酒了。爱你, 陈则升。 :)

Childhood fairy tale.

I used to imagine how things will be in my future. In terms of my love life. :P I imagined to have a really beautiful wedding, in a beautiful white dress and veil, with natural flower fragrance. I dont have specific favourite flower, any will do. Walking towards the alter, feeling grateful. Looking through the crowd, feeling the love in the air, thinking, "It's finally my day". Playing the song "Set me as a seal", happily holding the person's hand. It will be best, if dad will be there.
Future, how my family will be. How am i going to give the best to my kids. Hoping he will love me no matter how, never leave me and be there for me. Actually i just want a happy family.
HAHHAHA! After all, im just imagining too much. Well, it's not wrong to imagine, i have a dream? :P

Faith.

Had a great 3 days "trip" to cyberjaya with the seniors and lecturers eventhough its for work. People seem to be very nice. I consider that a mini getaway from the reality. I hate myself for being attaching, for wanting everything to be in my way. Actually i just want thing to be simple, easy. But life cant be easy i know. Therefore, I have to face things with a smile, at least it helps to lighten up my days abit. I understand how things cant be smooth. Dr Adeline said, have faith in everything you do, and so, everything will be fine. i believe that. I love my life. I have to. If not things will be much harder. I love my life, always. :)

Grateful.

HAhah, Im grateful with everything that is happening to me right now. I dont have a reason to be sad anymore. :)

Weakness.

Its been a long time since i last updated, i guess? HAahha. Its been a hectic period. Assignments and exams. Sighh. But im doing good! :D Im capable in doing everything. Anyway, i thought i knew myself well enough. However, its a totally new knowledge to let me learn about myself. I just started to see all my weaknesses. Im such a perfectionist, especially in terms of golf. I will not allow myself to have any faulty hits. People said, when you hit bad, hit some cover shots, and it will be fine again, it's not the end of the world. However, i didnt realise i always expect myself to hit every shot with perfect impact and swing, just to get the ball to reach the desire distance. If not, i will be damn moody that i can even throw temper. Bad thing, yung. Next, Im sensitive. I hate people judging. -.- Prolly because what people's opinions towards me or prolly a particular human causes it. -.- But damn. I hate that. -.- I shouldnt care anything. Furthermore, Im insecure. I assume a lot. Which i think kind of annoys people. But if I didnt care, I wouldnt even spend time to assume. I think I need to put in more effort to be a better person. I will never give up. Trying to learn to control myself, manage myself. :) Good days ahead!

Hi.

Hi dad. How are you? Its been half a year. I still miss you so much. Nowadays, when i see dads bringing their kids to walk around, I have this feeling, I wish my dad is here too. Daughter that has a dad is a really beautiful thing. I wish I had more time with you. That day, when I had golf, which was a terrible game, I played so bad that people around me were so scared of me when they see my reaction after every shot. Dad, Wilson said i did not enjoy the game and keep wanting every shot to be perfect which makes the whole game worse. How can i enjoy when i cant play well. I've played golf for nearly ten years. Those shots are not acceptable. I still remember I told you, no matter how bad my game is, I will not allow 3 putts or any top shots in my game. I need all the shots get the best impact. But i did not do that during the whole game. Even my driver shots were screwed. How can I forgive myself? Im not really a perfectionist, but when it comes to golf, I am, for sure. Cause that is the only connection I have with you, with all the clubs that you bought for me. They said my clubs are not good enough, are for kids, asking me to sell it away, but i will never do that. Why didnt you enter my dream? Do you know how much i want to see you, but i cant? Please be here for me.

Happy Mother's day.

Hi mommy. I couldnt really express how i feel properly, but theres a lot of thing that i want to tell you. Yes. I know you will never gonna read this, but i just want to express myself in a way. Im sorry I couldnt be a good daughter. Im sorry Im not as amazing as the others. Thank you for letting me to be the little princess whenever I want to. Im sorry that I didnt know to appreciate myself more and cut myself for a guy. I will never do that again. Thank you for being the pillar of the family after dad left. I dont know who will understand how i feel exactly, but i swear im not exaggerating anything. Im really grateful to be here. Im sorry for whatever i did that hurt you. And i just realised i have a lot of things to apologize. Which means im doing more bad things. For this year ahead, i will put in all my effort to make everything works out perfectly. I know you wish im happy more than anything. I will be the happiest girl. I will never cry to anyone, for anyone anymore. Im strong, determined girl. The jovial, cheerful, positive yung yung.

Its okay.

Im a girl, please dont fool my feelings, though i know you dont really treat me like a girl. Its okay. I know you took everything as joke, but i took it real. It was my fault to believe. Kind of hurt, but im alright. Tears behind the smile? :) Thanks for the dream anyway. :)

Positivity.

Everything will be fine. Deep breathe. Drink water. My new quote. Hehhehe. No matter what happen, smile. Breath in the positivity, exhale the negativity. :) must always be motivated for better future. Always stay happy, yungggg. Heheheheeheh. Youll be loved. :)

Urghhhhhh.

I feel so down that i cant even play my violin properly. Im really frustrated with things. So many things running in my mind, but i cant do anything. Great. Really dont ever try to lie to me or fool me again, cause im really dumb to believe again, though its my fault to believe it. And i realise i shudnt depend on anyone. It hurts. So bad.

Idiot.

You all really thought i dont know anything? I really understand everything that happens around me. And so? I believed you, way too much. Why people always ask me to understand what is he going through right now, why did he make such decision. Why should I? Anyone knows how much i suffer which Im not supposed to? If youre really have so much courage to make that decision, any consequences, you deserve it. Like how I take all the consequences. Dont use me to fill in your free time. Dont just talk to me whenever you like. Dont only find me when you have no companion. Im not a robot seriously. I have really strong feelings, FYI. Sigh. Maybe just my own problem. Me that fussing everything. I.. just.. like.. you.. too.. much. Nevermind. :'( Cheap bitch, that deserves it. To be played, cause she gave in all. Although, clearly know about everything, but still pushing all herself into it. Right. Such an idiot.

Hmmm..

I wasnt supposed to put high hopes. Just because you mean everything to me, and im like a dirt or a fool to you, doesnt mean youre allowed to disrespect me. You said you did not disrespect. But it doesnt mean you respect me too. Im a girl. Dont torture me with your uncertain feelings.

Surprise

Surprisingly, i cried for you again. Sigh. It isnt even my fault, but i really dont know why did i cry for. Why is loving a person is such a hard job? Or is it just you. I realised i did not fall out of love. And im still dying here. Great. I didnt expect myself to check on your whatsapp, to see whether youre online, to see whether youll be talking to me. Maybe im just again, your toy, someone you would play with when you have nothing else to do. Please dont do that to me. If its my wrong, i would apologise, but i hope you dont use the love i have to destroy me. Sigh.

Sigh.

Can I really go near you, hug you tightly and never let you go again? I know I cant. I really dont want to dream anymore, I want everything in reality. If everything would be a dream, why not be cruel to me, and let me suffer the pain. I rather choose that than, having a good time, ended up breaking my dream, happy time all again. I cant afford anymore, really. I like you, I love you, but I'm keeping the distance too. Sigh. Please help me anyone.

Who else?

Whose shoulder can i lean on? Im so afraid of things. All the while, im trying all my best to build up my own life, but end up, being cricticize by everyone. Im not a robot. Please.

:)

At least I've achieved something that i never thought I would achieve, to stand up and smile again. Real or not? Im doing it. Took me a lot of courage.

New me.

I've promised myself, in three months, i must change myself, to a better person. To have my pride, ego and dignity back. I must gain all the respects i deserve again. I dont want to being look down anymore. The feeling of being look down, hurts me so much. I will get through everything. You can keep all your unsaid things to yourself. Whatever you try to explain, just makes me feel like youre telling new lies again. And it's really annoying that the feeling hits me again and again. I still remember how much i struggle to reach here, how much i wanted to die, how much i have to take in about what you both doing, how much pain hits me. And eventually, it lets me know what you were saying all the time were lies, and never real. But, what were you doing at that time, you were enjoying every bits. I still remember how much I trusted you and you were playing with the trust I had on you. I swear to God that i did everything for you, not even for myself, and you treated me like some dead cats at the roadside. Someone that you can easily cheat on, play with. How I wish i can slap you in your face with all my strength, telling how much I hate you. If I had the courage to wish you on your birthday, I see no point that you dont. Maybe because you're really guilty on what you did, but i wont ever pity you anymore. No one will.

So close.

Its coming nearer and nearer. I can always wear a smile, but i dont know i actually will feel depressed at some point. Sigh. "Thank You" for hurting me. To break my heart. To mess up my life.

R.I.P Uncle Ken.

Sighhhh~~! What is life for real? I dont know what else i can say, but i just hope you're once again happy and relief in the place you are right now. May God bless your soul. :'(

4th of March.

The day im shameful of. The day that i made the worst decision in my life. The day that i will never ever appreciate. All the consequences i have to go through because of one stupid decision.

Balloons.

If there is a balloon in your hand, and you accidentally let it go. You'll realise the balloon flew higher and higher in the sky, looking free. Letting go doesnt mean giving up, it's just giving each other bigger space to grow. To seek for the one and only you. Read this article. What do you feel holding a cup of water for few minutes? Nothing. What about few hours? Arm ache. What if its for a day? Arm numb and might get paralyze too. Letting go is easy to say, nothing easy to do. But if we dont try, we will never know. And this tells us, let go things in life, to feel less stress, less burdened. If not, time by time, you'll explode and yeah, you'll know what is it. :D Change to be a better person. :) In a better way.

13 Feb.

A year ago, its the day when everyone knew about us. Bet you dont even remember that. That's the difference between us, treating the bond seriously or not. :) It just shows how fail I am, how pathetic I am, that someone loved me, can actually love his ex back. Sigh. Its even better if its someone else, but no. No one knows how it hurts a girl. Haha.

Thank you.

Thank god im safe. And thank you for those who saved me. Indescribable appreciation. Thank you~~!!

A year.

Its been a year since we first met. If you remember. And its the 4th of the month. You supposed to know what day it was. Obviously it doesnt matter anymore. Was cleaning up things and found these papers. Only if you remember what are these, but i dont think you even remember a bit. I still dont satisfy with what had happened. Never can get rid of the feeling, being betrayed.

Forever so.

Whats wrong with everyone? Is it my problem? Why everyone likes to pick on me? Why everyone likes to leave me? I tried my best to be the one that everyone wants me to be. Im really tired to fulfill everyone's wish. If none of you wish to stay in my life, then dont ever appear. I just want to be myself and the happy that i used to be. Ever since i was in a relationship, everything changed. What the fuck all of you want from me? Dont tell me how stress, how hard all of you are. Im not even better from any of you. I forced myself to forget everything, forced myself to accept all the fact, forced myself to be happy again, why dont you all give me a chance to be myself? Dramas keep happening in my life. I DONT NEED ANY. I just want my life to be normal. Dad, why dont you just bring me along and leave me like this? I just want the best for everyone. I hate being seperated again and again. If i have a chance, I would just run away. I rather to be alone from now on, instead of being clingy to anyone. Not even my family anymore. Kill. Me. Please. For everyone's happiness.

My Escape.

Going on board in few hours time. I will be heading to KK tonight. Its a place that i always wanted to go. So desperately. HAHA. But.. yeah.. Dont like the people there. Sorry. Have opinion about that. And hope everything goes well. Will be staying there for few hours only. Waiting for transit. Yay! I wish one day, when im okay with things there, I'll be able to have a holiday in Sabah. I love the place there. A pretty place. :) Hope this escape will let me put down things and at least let me feel better. :) Hate things that happened to me. Pfft. Byeeeee. :)

Grown up.

I've grown up so much that im no longer the person will stay beside you and hope you'll come back one day. Cause i know, I tried my best, that's it. You pushed me away. I got no regrets. Everytime i watch movie or dramas, I see couples who have similar problems. They always go for the second person. Which i assume its my position. I wonder, why they can do that for the girl, but not you? I have that in mind for a lot of times. Think further, they are all written by the directors. Reality doesnt go that way. It may, but not in ours. Cause obviously you didnt even fight for me. :) I will not say a thing anymore. Not worth. And it's okay. Im happy with my life now, filled with golf, gym, happy things and happy people that makes my life easier and happier. And I dont need you in my life anymore. I will pretend that you dont exist anymore. Like a stranger. :) As you wish, at first. Hurts, but its cool. :)

Wheeeeee~~!

Actually i wonder whether do you still read this, but it doesnt make a change anymore. Most probably you dont. Im not feeling really good, but just for some time, i'll be good. I must be good. Being honest, no one can replace you. But it will all become memories. I hate going through things alone, sometimes, we have to go through in order to grow. How much i dont want to grow, we still must grow. I know He wants me to be stronger. Im just waiting for the right one. :) Im positive now. :D

Im alright.

It's okay. Yung, you'll be alright. It's a past. You tried your best to hold, now is your time to give up. To be a stronger person. You know, this whole thing doesnt even worth your care, your concern. Soon, you'll be alright. Love yourself more, be a better person. Smile more. Pretend more. Hide more. I got a lot of things i want to say. But it's okay. Everything will be fine. Nothing should be told, nothing should be unfold. Everything should be remain as this. Promises should be kept. Especially things that I promised myself. No matter how hard, I must go through. Determine for this time. Too much time wasted and not being appreciated. Im such a fool. You must be happy right now.

Stephanie Chia.

Just got a surprise from the person I love. It's my first time getting a greeting card through post. She's the only one that I can really spill out everything to. She's the only one that able to make me cry with just one sentence. I miss her so much that I wish I can fly to London immediately to give her a hug. A hug that will tell me everything will be alright when she's always by my side. I will never forget the friendship we have. The time when we're in kindergarten, to primary school, until we lost contact, then met again in tuition. Is it fate that we have, to pull us together no matter how hard it is? It might sound gross to anyone, but I appreciate her more than what I can describe with words. She's the person that will never betray me, that will always be there for me, that will give me strength, that will put all my worries on herself and share with me, that will be angrier than me when someone takes advantage of me. No matter how far she is, it still makes me happy to just get her message. I dont know who else I can count on without her.

Day #174: Give up.

 I chose the path of changing you and so, all kind of crap. I did not regret, seriously. I still cry, still feel. But I chose the path, I should be responsible to myself, I will not blame any of you because you're not going as what I expect. You don't have the responsible to go as I wish. I understand that. But I think I'm giving up. I feel sorry for myself. If you dont wish to stay in my life, while i try my best to stay in yours, it just doesnt work in one way. Vows are strong and meaningful. But who can actually do as how it was said. I think im really giving up.. Everyone says, when a person really gives all she has to put in the effort, that special person can feel it. Really? Dont think so. Will good things happen to me again? I dont know. I will appreciate all my days fully. For someone who doesnt even care about me, Im just wasting my time.

Day #173: Doctors.

Life. Does everyone know how to appreciate life? Do we actually know how lucky we are? Not everyone is able to go home again once they go out. We will not know what will happen to us while walking on the street. Everything is out of expectation. Who will know when are we actually dying? Just because life is unpredictable, we have to live the life we have, appreciate everything we have, enjoy every moment of life that God gives us. Doctors, what are their jobs? To save people? Will they get use to the nature of death? They see people dying everyday, but when one day, if their family member passes away, will they still be calm? Will everything be alright? I am grateful that I was able to take care of dad before he left. At least I have the chance to understand what he underwent everyday because of the disease. Some people, just because of an accident, their family members leave them without any sign. That's even worse. Who knows the victim promised to get home early to have a dinner with family, but ended up lying on the surgery table, without a breathe? How hurtful the victim's family will feel? We wont know until it really happens on us. It's so easy to say, death is part of the life, but when it really comes, do we actually have the courage to face everything? People say, Live While We're Young, YOLO, but it doesn't mean to waste your life on drugs. It's just asking you to appreciate your life, enjoy every moment you have. Everyone has their own choice of living, as long as you think that's worth it, so it is.

Day #172: Birthday.

Happy birthday to you. You're 19. Just hope your years ahead to be well. I guess? Guess you're happy without my existence. Should just leave it that way. I was just stupid that wanted to wish you first, and i know someone else will call too, thats why i called 2 minutes earlier. But, you just cut off my line. Dont know whether in purpose, but it still hurts. I convinced myself for the whole day, just live your life. You're just disturbing people's good life. For what? Theres no point in everything I do. I just have to clear my mind and keep myself busy. Waiting for something that you clearly know it's not going to happen, it's just suffering and torturing. We just get different kind of treatment due to different position in you. May all your wishes come true. May the world be with you. May one day, you'll remember what you had promised. May you be yourself again. May I disappear in front of you. Have a blast.

Day #171: 2013.

It's the first day of 2013. Alright, it doesnt make any difference besides the group of numbers has a minor change. People make it as if its a really big day. Kay, maybe it is. Just me that not interested in celebrating it. Anyway, if it's really a good day to sweep off the past and new things to come along, I wish the coming year to be a smooth year. Theres too much dramas in last year that myself cant even handle properly. I almost kill myself in 2012 and Im glad that Im still alive for this 2013. Im grateful with everything. Be a person, we cannot be selfish, cannot be greedy. We all deserve what we deserve. Can never ask for more things, after you try your best to get it. Nothing is more hurtful than seeing the person you love to beg you to let him go while you're trying your best to make the best out of it. Everyone has different views, we cannot expect people to see everything in the way we see it. We must grow up, to see things around. I was watching this show, they said, dont have expectation, cause if the result didnt come out as you expect, you'll get disappointed again. But, sometimes, during the hard time, the expectations are the ones that act as the motivation and give you full strength to achieve the impossible. So, should we expect or we shouldnt? Is it a mistake to expect? Till now, do you think im really okay? Do you think im not suffering? I never satisfy with the decision, I said a lot of times, but anything i can change? Theres a lot more than I want to change, but can I? Relationship is a bout 2 individuals, if one side keeps putting effort to make things go on, but the other side keeps running away or giving up, theres no way to say it's going to work out. Dont ever dream of forever. In a relationship, one side keeps asking to break up, no matter how hard the other tries, it will never work. Cause the one that ask to break up will always be the dominant and the one that always tries will end up taking all the blames, swallowing all the pains. Then whats the purpose to make that work? Wake up, and see the world properly, to whoever that can fit into this situation. Dont give up on the one that loves you, for the one that wants to run away from you. We live for ourselves. Love is not the whole world.