Day #78: Wonder.

I think i did another stupid thing again. I want myself to catch a cold. You might think im exaggerating, im acting, im lying, im a loser, but i really cant take one day not thinking about you, not talking to you, not texting you. Though, it's been days we didnt talk. And i know, at this time, it should be something supposed to be, but i really dont feel good. I need really hot water to shower on usual days. But today, I shower with cold water. I was shivering in the shower, so badly. Right after the cold shower, i ran straight under the fan which is on with high speed. I just want to be sick. And get absent the next day. So, i dont have to see you. I dont have to overthink things. Its just plain stupid, i know. But i couldnt take it anymore. Talked to bean today. As usual, get scolded. Yes, you get over me so easily. You accepted the fact so easily. You move on so easily. Yes, and im still dwelling here. I still cant get over it. I still need  you. I know it's all my fault. Im really not blaming anyone for the responsibility, i know you dont involve in this anymore. I know its myself that couldnt get up. And yes, I love you too much. I dont expect anyone to understand me anymore. I talked to everyone and they treated me like i purposely didnt want to get up. I know i should be blamed for that. Im so sorry that i love you so much. You can get over, doesnt mean i can too. I tried my best to be happy ad. You know, the feelings, the promises, the words, the hugs, everything, I can only keep it to myself. I dont want to talk to anyone about anything anymore. I really dont want. I cant imagine what will happen after steph leaves malaysia. I want to leave this place too. I just cant. I need steph. I need her. I need you too. I just cant too. Its okay. She deserves good treatment, happy life. I shouldnt be selfish and develop my pain on her. Love you, steph. Goodnight, dear.

Day #77: Pretty.

I realised myself, changed a bit. I want to be pretty. I mind my own dressing. I want to be pretty because of you. I see myself in the mirror, in a dress. Pink one. So unbelievable. But deep inside, I was hoping you will see that. I know it wont happen anymore. Im just dreaming big, real big. It really bothers me when you dont talk to me. After so many weeks, i found out that, you text me only when you see me. Probably you're just feeling bad? I dont know. But it hurts me. HAha. Funny huh? Its okay. Replacement, forever one. I still remember you sent me a picture, "It is so lucky to find someone that you will not want to say goodbye to." I still have that picture in my phone. Goodbye.. Hahaha. You've said it so many times. I dont know whether you mean it or not, but definitely, im still suffering from your ignorance now. I really dont understand myself, why do i have to care so much? Somehow, the feelings, i really couldnt get rid of it. It might be easy for you, for anyone else, but if you really put yourself in my situation, you will understand why i cant get over you. The feelings, the promises, the words, the hugs, everything, that related to you. Recently, i kept listening to Distance by Christina Perri. A sentence from the song, "Make sure, keep my distance say i love you, youre not listening." So true. I kept wishing you night, saying how much i need you on my blog, twitter, but youre not listening, at all. I kept the distance. Until i have the guts to wish you night, as usual, being ignored. Is it something i have to take it as a habit already? I dont want, thats why it still hurts. According to a post on tumblr, The word "Loved" does not exist. Love doesnt have a past tense. Thats why you cant stop loving. If you stop loving, means you did not love at first. Seems right to me, but somehow, its just weird. I dont know. One thing, for sure, I did not fall out of love with you. When i say i love you, i wasnt lying, i mean it. I mean every word i said. Goodnight, love one.

Day #76: Satisfaction.

Is it me that dont know how to satisfy? Is it me that dont know how to be grateful? Is it me that always ask for more? Dont i deserve to know the reason or explanation, sometimes? Im tired being ignored again and again. Do you really think i feel very good with it? Do you think im use to it and dont mind having it again and again? Everytime you do that, I will think it's my problem that made you unhappy or mad. Is it my fault that annoys you? Do you ever think that? Or im just some toy for you to play with? I deserve and have the right to know the explanations and reasons. It's not everything can be left untold, as you wish. I didnt talk to you for days. I know you were looking, i know you saw me looking, i know you saw me, but i ran away. I avoided. When im trying to care, and you just shun me off like that, i feel like im annoying. And i do too much. And its my fault. I really have no confident in doing anything anymore. I didnt do things wrong, I was supposed to have the gut to look at you. But why do i have to run away? I saw you, and i chose to walk the longer way to avoid you, but same time, the way that i can see you from far. I really dont know why am i doing all these. Why do you want to shun me off? Youre the one that started the conversation, why do you dont reply after that? Is it really my fault? Im not expecting anything, im just afraid that i do things wrong. And i really dont like being shun off, especially by you. Goodnight, dear.

Day #75: Strong.

I dont know how still i can stand on my own feet anymore. Ive been trying to act normal, cheerful everyday. Today, i finally cannot take and break down. I dont know whats wrong and what i did that might make you unhappy, that made you didnt even want to talk to me. Im just too easily affected by you. Not supposed to, but it does. I dont know how fail i still can be. I will keep my smiley face on everyday. I will. Whether it's real or not, just make sure it's there when everyone is around. I will trust my own ability on what i can do. Definitely it will be much more than i expect. I reckon in my own way. If i dont do so, I know i cant even put on the pathetic little mask that keeps everyone comfort and happy. People who really care, will only see whats behind the mask. And i doubt the number of people who see that. I wonder who can really see me in my own unique way and stop judging me. My unique might be just a small thing, but i assume thats all i have now. And please stop judging my feelings. Its not something debatable. I know myself, maybe not well enough, but i understand what i want. You're the first i always think about before i sleep and after i wake up. It did not change. I wonder. But i will let it remain until it flows away itself. Goodnight, dear.

Day #74: Shunned.

I dont understand why am i always being shunned aside. Sometimes, you are the one that texted me, and i end up being ignored. Uhhh. Nevermind, it's okay. I told myself to ignore everything that happened, why cant i be cooler? WHY?! Why do i have to care so much? I cared way too much. But sometimes, i just want to take your pain and let myself suffer. I really couldnt see you suffer any longer. It might not be anything to anyone, but it means everything to me. I hope you can take care yourself well. You have someone more important. Im no one to do that. I have to remind myself. I have to. I have to. But i cant. I love you way too much than i expect. I tried my best to be friend. To be cool. To be nothing. In front of you. And everyone. I will hide it to myself. I know i will not stop loving you. Its been long long time. But I'll just go with the flow. Thanks. :( Goodnight, darling. Love you, always.

Day #73: Broke.

Yeah. Im totally broke this month. Lols. Bought my baby guitar and so many things else. And guess what, got cheated. RM 15 for a pen. WTH. Wasted my money. I should just run away when the people approach. They are mean people. Urghhh. Feel so being cheated. -.- Finally, class test is here. We had 3 subjects today. So 1 more to go tomorrow. Algebra, i though i did well, and i hope i did well. But i guess, i made a lot of stupid mistakes. English, one word, doomed. Chemistry, wasnt as bad as the first 2 quizzes. But i have to get my head really stuffed to get everything into my brain, Biology, I dont know. So no mood to study. And im really tired. I dont know why. I just kept sleeping. Ohh. And i know that you're very sick. Kind of worried, but i cant do much. :/ Just hope you get well as soon as possible. Be healthy. :) If possible, I would send you my strength so that you can recover faster! Hahaha. Thinking too much. -.- Kay. I should continue my date with the oxaloacetate, citrate, alpha-ketoglutarate, succinyl coA, succinate and tumerate. OMG. These things will freak me out! Goodnight, bii.

Day #72: Test.

It's class test tomorrow. And i dont know how am i feeling now. Ive been studying for days, but it seems like im not prepared at all. Maybe im just not confident enough. Uhhh. Yeah. And i did bad for my assessments. Time to back up things. You were absent today. Cause of sick. Just hope you get well soon and dont fall a sick again. Stay healthy. :) Today, im totally cool. Like, i dont know, prolly too busy studying and get some things off the mind. It's good, i assume. In these busy days, I would like to spend my time in the study room. At home, i barely can study. Im serious. I know i will just walk around the house without knowing what im doing. Just 2 days, it will be over and we'll be alright. No term break for us this time. Next holiday should be deepavali. One week. Urgh. Long holiday. Supposed to be grateful bout that. Anyway, as human, we have to learn to satisfy ourselves and stop asking for more. Cause if you ask for more, eventually, you'll take thing granted, which is not good. Im grateful with what i have now. I still care every bits about you, but i will not show it so frequent anymore. Even to public. Done with the explaining to others. I want my life back. The life that i have the best memories about you and the cheerful me. Prolly the last part wont achieve, but at least i make it as a target will do. Goodnight, my darling. :)

Day #71: Study.

I spent my whole day in the study room today. It was quite cool that i wanted to overnight. Anyway, i dont know what happened to me, and i miss you quite a lot today. Not sure because of what. :( For now, just get well soon. I dont know what else to say. Im worried about your illness, but i cant do anything. Cause you dont give a damn to it anyway. I really have to ignore myself all the time. Annoying. I want you be here with me. It might sound demanding, but i want. :( I know i cant. Goodnight, my love.

Day #70: Expectation.

Whats wrong with blogger?? Its been 2 days that couldnt access. I hate using phone to blog. Urgghhhhh.. Anyway, i wonder, what kind of expectation are you having to me?? I did my best to do what you want. I hide all my emotions away, just be friends. And now, you text me cause you feel sinful. Wth? Are you asking for forgiveness to minimise your sin? well. Only thing i can tell is, its not a sin!! I cant do anything anymore. Youre feeling weak cause you are weak. I dont know what else to say about your sin sin thing. I was just being caring to ask how are you.. I just dont understand why do take it as sin.. If you really think its a sin, what had happened, had happened. Its your own thinking. Youre not helping yourself either. And i really dont know what are you expecting from me.. Forgiveness?? Leave you alone?? I dont know. You just dont appreciate what i did, sometimes. And really, dont text me just because you feel bad, and treating me like a responsibility. I appreciate if you really text. But not because of the above reasons. And i believe youre not. Dont spoil my believe in you again.

Day #69: Sick.

Its 3:46 in the midnight now. Theres a bbq party just now for people who are under scholarship. I was involved as the commitee. It was supposed to be an awesome one, but the rain god was too near us and gave us a fall. Not cool anymore. Yeah. And i realised, you did not attend malaysian studies. Was quite worry. But i know, how much i can worry, not anyone to do so. However, when i know you were sick, its kind of worrying too. I cant do anything else beside asking you to take care. Hmm.. And i was do dizzy and tired after i got home. So i slept till now to post my daily blog. So sick.. :( Wish the weather can be better. And taylors is cool.

Day #68: Stupidity.

Im stupid. No doubt. If im not stupid, i wont believe anything that happened. What am i thinking, i kept asking myself. You got your decision to ignore me. You have. And someone had replaced my place in you. What am i still expecting?? Im lost at times. I will really die at young age if i kept chasing after your steps. Its totally a mental torture, that i know i barely can take it anymore. Its my fault, my problem. Not many people know whether im truly happy or not. Maybe some, but prolly will not be my close friends. Somehow, its good. I dont want them to worry for the pathetic person. Im back to the time that i have no apetite again..

Day #67: Jealousy.

Im just so fail that i have to say, i get really jealous when you go near girls. -.- But im no one to say that. HAHA. Pathetic. I wasnt like that. I was so confident about us, that i dont even have to worry about anything. But things dont go this way, sadly to say. Last time, i dont have to follow your pace, cause i know you'll walk with me. Now, i have to track and chase after your footsteps. Isnt it ironic? And pathetic. Good one for me. :) When you were after me, it took you 1 month. And now, it seems like it's taking me 2 months to go after you. HAHHA. Another fail case. And it doesnt work. It's the past, and i cant do anything about it anymore. I still believe what you said. Again, failure. I dont know why, you say you'll text me tonight. I actually waited for it. Checking on my phone time by time, making sure that i dont miss any of the chance. Probably im just thinking too much. Yes. I am. Stupid enough, yung. No one wants to do anything to me anymore. Theyre just so disappointed in everything i do. Im also blessed that i have someone to talk to. Someone that really tries to help me solve my confused about you. Though it didnt really help, sometimes. Hhaha. I cant stop peeping, really. And guess what, i saw you wearing a necklace. :O And i start thinking nonsence. Probably it's what im thinking, like some dating stuff? I really want to know what it is. But as usual, it will stay untold.

Day #66: Frustration.

What an unlucky day for me today. It's just frustrating at times. I dirtied my shirt with paint at the back, spilled chilli sauce on my shirt at the front. I have to wear the jacket all the time to cover it, though it's so freaking hot. Besides, I sprained my ankle and poked my finger with a badge tag. It bleeds. I think i love blood now. I can feel the excitement of the red blood cells. It's not that it's super cool or anything, i just like to see blood flowing out of myself. But i dont dare to donate blood, not because i dont want. Just that, im scared. Like really. :( You talked to me today. I mean we talked today. Something to be happy? I dont know. I dont want to know. But deep inside of me, im happy. I was looking through my photos in my phone. I saw your pictures. I just miss you at times. Just hold on there, Yung. It will be fine. If no one cares how you suffer, then dont show anymore. Had enough, its enough. Im exhausted doing what everyone wants me to do. I have to ask myself, what is the next step, if any.. The next step i want is to see you happy, and from what i saw, probably you are now. I was too selfish. Way too selfish. Is time to sacrifice myself for everyone's happiness. Im fat. Goodnight, baby.

Day #65: Small Pieces.

Seriously, my heart is broken, and i still miss you with all the small pieces. I just have to learn to ignore my feelings. When i sing to the song, "Nothings gonna change my love for you", i still sobbed to it. It might not be anything to anyone, and its just a song to them, but it means more than anything to me. You dont read my blog, dont pay attention to what happened to me. I dont expect you to do so. I wish you can be more a person to sometime not ignore me. What am i thinking, no one actually cares. I dont know how to please everyone ad. Its so easy to affect my mood, so easy. Im really tired today. Gonna be a short one. Goodnight, darling.

Day #64: Waiting.

No matter what happened, I'll wait. Wait for you to think of me, wait for the right timing, wait for everything. Somehow, i thought i will at least appear in your mind everyday, without knowing the reason why, probably because you hate me, probably because you really think of me. Im just overthinking again. I should know that it wont happen. I should. Just couldnt stop thinking at times. I have to admit that, I do miss you. Increases day by day. Shouldnt it be decreasing? Why is it going the other way? Loving you is like standing in the sand, sink deeper day by day, until the moment i cant even save myself. I really really appreciate my friends' help. I know how disappointed everyone is. Sometimes, they all just want to give up on me. Im blessed that i have such friends that will not leave me when i need them. I really dont know how to express myself after all these things. I hope they will not leave me any day. Once any of you have any problem, i will sacrifice my own happiness just to get things right for all of you. I shouldnt drag any of you into my own problem. Sometimes, i should just hide it to myself, leaving it untold and set it aside. Since no one will ever matter now. There wont be any sad Yung Yung in front of the public anymore. She will only appear at night, crying herself to sleep. Goodnight, dear.

Day #63: Happy Kid?

Im a half happy kid today! Heheheheh. Finally i made my dream come true, after years. HAHAHA. At last, i bought myself a guitar! Something i want long time ago after having my violin. Now my baby violin has a friend! I was thinking to name my babies. I have names for my plush toys, lappy and phone. So, I should name my instruments too! Im still thinking what kind of name to give to my baby violin. So many choices. :( But i have a name in my mind for my new baby guitar! :3 Wondering whether to name it after you. Hahha. I know it's stupid, but yeah. :D Probably I'll go with it, the name. Im satisfy with it. I bought the guitar out of budget. So, i guess i have to starve for few more weeks to save the money back. :O But it's okay, i know it worths it. And im getting fatter and fatter. Time to slim down and get the fats off. HAHA. It's really tiring day for me too. Golf for the whole day from morning to evening. Exhausting, yet fun enough. And went straight to get my guitar! Though, some part of me still think about you. It's okay. I know you wont text me anymore. I have you in my mind, more than enough. More than i can ask for. :) When my baby violin meets her new friend, ____, the guitar. AHha. And bought rosin for my baby violin too! Happy! Hmmm... Should think hard to find a name for my violin. :) It has a M&M plush toy on the case. Cute enough.

Day #62: Exhausted.

Ive learnt something today. Never ever borrow your smart phones to your friends who are bored. They posted sooooo many nonsence statuses that i dont even know how to react. Zz. Anyway, im happy enough that you texted me sometimes. Though its really really really simple messages. Must learn to be grateful about everything that happen on me. Its a must to do so. If not, i will be in suffer every night, which is killing me. Ohhhh!! And Prince William and The Dutchess, Kate Middleton came to Malaysia. We should have just go and pay a visit. Urgh. Shes so pretty and elegant. :3 Sometimes, im tired of doing something, and just leave everything untold. It might gives me a better dream. Though, i know i might not able to know the answer, forever, but if it helps me, i will do it. I just need strong determination, which i always lack of. I believe, miracles happen to me, when i stop being too harsh to chase after it. If it belongs to me, it will happen on me. I just need the right timing for everything. I wont stop loving the person, missing the person with all the small pieces, cause i know I love you and i really do. It might be wrong, but it helps me smile in some way. I will never forget the smile and the feeling that i have whenever i see you.

Day #61: I believe.

I believe i will be alright. I dont know whether it works, but i guess thats all i can do. Anyway, I dont know why, but i kinda like the picture at the side. I look so girly and not me inside. Hahahah. This means i have a feminine side. XD Dont i look different? Hahah. Ahhh. However, today still isnt a good day for me. Everything. I just dont know what to do and ignore whatever shit that i have now. This is also the first time for me to watch you playing futsal. Cool. :) Though i dont understand a single thing. Focusing you is more than enough. Im happy and satisfy just by doing that. :) Im actually very easy to satisfy, i just dont know why everyone thinks im finding problem for myself. Anyway, it doesnt matter anymore. I dont want to fight for myself anymore. I begged so hard for your attention, all i get was total disappointment. No one to be blamed. You have your own choice to reply or not. Why am i always the one have to stand there and act like i dont care. I cared too much. And Im exhausted. I gave up my dignity and pride, just for you. You didnt really appreciate it. What else i can do? I dont know. Hmm.. I like that picture. At least i look better here.

Day #60: Apology.

My last post got a lot of comments about it. Yes. Im rude. And im really rude. I truly apologise and beg for forgiveness. Bad words, yes. I said it, lots of times. Im sorry and i ask for forgiveness. I dont know what else to do or say anymore. I apologise whatever i did that make you mad. I dont expect any replies from you anymore. Im rude. I dont want to compare anything anymore. Because of my blog, i lost my friends' trust, i lost your trust, i lost my friends, i lost you, i lost everything. I just wanted to post what i think. Yes. I was mad when i typed the post. I said things that i shouldnt. I should just stop talking. I will not swear anymore, will not scold anymore. I dont have the qualification to do anything anymore. I just cant believe you all say i was lying all the way. I cut myself not to threaten you, not wanting your pity. I was mad at myself even. Im not acting. Everything i said, i did, hurt me thousand times. I wouldnt want to cry every night for the same guy that left me and only know how to say sorry. And still, i cry and cry, cause i care. More than I should. After everything, i wasnt acting at all. Everything was real. Please dont say i was acting to beg for attention. Im no one now. Thank you. Thank you very much. Only if i can ignore everything as if it didnt happen at all. Sorry for being rude, sorry for being attaching, sorry for being pathetic, sorry for being selfish, sorry for being annoying, sorry for being so. I mean in every sorry that i said. You might think it's not sincere enough, but i dont know what else i can do. Ive given up my dignity and pride for everything, just tell me what you want and i'll do it.

Day #59: Bullshit.

I dont need your symphaty. At all. Dont treat me like a beggar and youre so good that you gave me your time. Bullshit. Everything for the past few months, seems lovely and cool, end up its just all bullshits. Full of your lies. If you dont willing to give, just fuck off. And dont come back. You said youre not, bullshits please. Just go back to your little hometown that you love so much and dont come back to kl. Zz. I mean to your little fiancee's arms. Anniversary, fuck that bullshit. I know how rude is this post, but i no longer care anymore. Bye.

Day #58: Disappointment.

I guess im such a disappointment to everyone. Till this moment, i still care about you. Youve been hurting me, why is it still so? Its so much better if i can care less. Ive stopped stalking your facebook, i know if i keep stalking, i'll get hell lots of bruises that i dont even know why is it there. When i trust everything you said, please dont disappoint me again. But you did. Its okay. I'll just pretend that i didnt see. I saw a quote saying, if you broke a girl's heart, and she still loves you unconditionally, shes the one. All lies. Bullshit. I laughed at that quote, like seriously. And, please dont make ne fall for you and tell me a bunch of excuses, telling me its impossible and left me unwanted. Nothing is impossible, just how you see it important to you. Oh. And dont come over to touch my hands, and left without telling me why. Im no your muppet.

Day #57: Depression.

Im really down today. I mean everyday. :( And i kinda suspect myself having depression problem. I went and check on the internet, and realised that im really facing one, and quite serious. Since i have most of the symptoms. Anyway, i have really no apetite to eat, at all. Im not blaming anyone, definitely. Who else i can blame? No one. Only one person, who is myself. I thought you said you will not hurt me anymore, and you will do whatever that i ask to beside one thing. But i guess it's another lie. Im so dumb to believe again. Haha. Moron. If i said im tired about everything, Im sure everyone will say its my own fault that i dont let go. I let go of you since long time. I just couldnt let go of my feeling towards you. If i didnt let go, i can just shove everything in your face. I chose to take it myself, and still i get blame. :) Im not understanding, think negatively, and all kind of things. I dont mind anymore, you all can scold whatever you want. I dont want to defend anymore, cause i know my feelings wont be gone. You all can say im finding excuse, finding a shell to hide, its all your thinking. Maybe i am, but i'll just go with the flow. I just want your attention, and you're mad. Definitely killing me, but i have to go through. :)

Day #56: A lost message.

Im feeling so depress the whole day. I wonder why. So lost and not in mood. Even during golf, still okay, but somehow, theres a little part which is so lost. When i really have you in my mind, my ball flight sucks. Cant really concentrate. I waited for a message from you. I apologised for what i said, but i dont know why you still dont want to reply me. I keep finding excuses for you to let me feel better, though i know its not. Maybe you really hate me and dont want to talk to me anymore. I dont know whether im wrong, but i apologised. Just for you not to ignore me. You ignored me the whole day yesterday. Even when i said hi, you dont bother to reply. Am i that hateful? Ive been crying nights and nights, but it seems like you dont even care. Im so tired of everything, but i know i couldnt let go, neither giving up. I know its not right too. I dont know what i did wrong to deserve such treatment. I cant guess what all of you thinking anymore. If you didnt agree or didnt like what i said, tell me. Dont just say "up to you" and ignore me. I feel so terrible. You know everything i said, really hurts me and i swear it hurts me more than it does to you. Two months, i couldnt have my apetite back. Ive been slimming down so much, that i can even wear the clothes that i never can wear. Is it something happy? I dont know, i just want my baby back. I know i cant, thats why i never ask for it.

Day #55: Failure.

Is it really my fault? Do my words really hurt you that much? Do you know that it hurts me even more? I apologised, still, i got ignored. Im really tired of all these. Why do i always have to be the pathetic one? Why does my love deserve all these? Is it because im not sincere enough, not true enough? What you did today, really hurt me to the maximum. Maybe it's just something small to you. But i have really no appetite to eat anything. Whole day, i just had a bowl of porridge and a can of 100 plus. I dont know what does it mean. I love you, and just you. I dont like you to compare my happy time with you. I really dont like. I didnt mean to hurt you or anything. When you feel sad about anything, you thought im happy with it? I didnt sleep last night. So awful. Prolly you had a great night last night. No one will understand me. Haha. Serve me right. :) Revenge for me? I dont know, probably. No strength to fight back, to stand up anymore. Probably you think talking to me is so tired, so strengthless. Haha. Im so sorry. I really mean my apology. You wont believe probably. Its okay. :)

Day #54: Tears.

Tears are unlimited. Better it falls for something that worth it. How much i said, im tired of crying, but still i cried every night. WOndering, whether it worths not. Everyone might just scold me cause of that, but you wont know the pain. Yes, mine not the worst case, but it still matters to me. I dont have to compare with others. Smile, can bring you through every obstacles. I've smile so much, but why am i still missing the one and only person. Is it not enough? Am i mean? Am i not considerate? Am i not understanding? Do i deserve all the ignorance? WHy am i begging for your attention? Why am i so fail? That i cant even stand on my own. Am i thinking negatively? I know how to ask people not to, but why am i doing it? I kept checking my phone time by time, as if you will text me. It hurts. Really does. Still, i know i shouldnt. You're happy. You are. Then go. I really never think of getting back together, cause i know you wont. And, if you can leave me the first time, you will for the second time, for the same reason. Im done with that worst reason ever. How much i love you, still. Why cant you choose not to ignore me and give me some surprise that let me believe theres miracle? BULLSHIT.

Day #53: Well Played.

Its still a normal day to me today. I have to laugh everyday and tell myself im happy. Though I know im not. At least, one thing for sure, it's better than previous. I cant ask for more. I really have to slow down my pace for the sake of recovering. Sometimes, i really want to ask you, what do you actually expect from me? You want to move on, go ahead. Why do you have to drag me along? Im no longer your pet or doll. My words stab, did you ever think what you did to me? That can really seal me in a coffin. Did i even mention? And im so dumb that being there whenever you need me. Whenever you text, i reply. And i end up, being ignored. It hurts too. Hiding myself in my own world, show everyone the smiley face that let people know that im well. Its okay. I just want to minimise whatever that relates to you. Its something i cannot ask for anymore. Im not asking, hoping or waiting. How much i love you, i miss you, i need you, i will never ask you back anymore. If you care enough, youll come back. And you didnt. No point for me to struggle. I will not go back to someone that breaks my heart again and again, breaks my trust again and again, someone that doesnt even know how to appreciate my existence. Thats the promise to myself. I must keep it. Ive break the promise saying to ignore you, i never can. It hurts me so much. Goodnight.

Day #52: Love, Laugh, Live.

Today overall wasnt a bad day. I had much laughter and crazy moments with friends. I had so much fun with everyone today. I just hope i dont annoy anyone and mix well with all. We had lunch with Bong Bong they all. It was a total joke. They are funny. HAHHA. And went etp meeting, had some fun with the people and stayed back for a while with Tracy and KaMun. They had lame conversations that make me laugh again and again. For the same reason. Hmmm... I just want to live my life. So tired with all. So, so tired. This was supposed to be both of us faults, but you made it sounded like you took all, and blaming me indirectly? I just want to tell you how i feel. I didnt mean to hurt you. If the words hurt you, how about me? I feel directly what you did. It so wrong that i have to apologise even when i want to tell my feelings. But if that's what you want, i would do. Hmmm.. Everyone please dont give up on me, even how disappointed are you. Please. I dont know what will i be if i dont have all the help. I might collapse. I might just jump down the building.

Day #51: Slow down my pace.

I have to slow down my pace, and see things properly, clearly. Ive been rushing into a relationship, which was a total mistake. If i have a chance, I'll choose to love you again. But I will see properly and not rush anymore. I never regret in loving you or knowing you. I cant pick on you. You're nearly perfect to me. Somehow, its just nearly. Theres some part of you that i really couldnt take. Your guts. I really dont know its your guts problem or its your feelings. Anyhow, I'll just keep thinking what im thinking. Its okay. I have to learn to not mind anymore. To make myself feeling better. Im not sure whether this is consider selfish, but ive been thinking about you too much that ive lost myself. I miss my laughter, my smile, and myself. I cant ask for more. I dont want and never want to fight with you, so please dont say that. Maybe you didnt realise im ignoring you. Well, it doesnt matter. I know what im doing, good enough. I must go through this. No matter what, i have to. Talked to Mommy Naz today. Hmm.. I should just understand myself for what i want. And not care about people's opinion about you. She's doing good for me. I trust her, she'll help me. :) I will just keep the best side of you in me, since i cant take more.

Day #50: Texts.

Its a late post for yesterday. You texted, i replied. I was being sarcastic. And you said i always want to fight with you. Great. Im always the trouble maker. Always the one that cause all problems. You wont ever understand me, never. The person who differentiate lust and love to me, took me granted. Well. Serve me right? prolly. I wonder what i did to deserve all this. All of you can scold me, saying i havent move on. I know. Its been 2 months. Its my fault. Youre happy. So happy. It bothers me when you can be so happy and im having all the tortures. Yeah. Its my fault that i havent move on. Deserve to be serve like that. :)

Day #49: Mistakes.

If you dont bother to reply messages, dont start the conversation. If you just so happy to see how pathetic i am, congratulation. I still think about you. You texted me, i was happy, i tried my best to not reply, i wondered for the whole day and i replied. And i gave you another chance to hurt me once more. How can i be so stupid? Im just so brainless. Yeah. Youre not obligated to reply my texts. Not at all. Why do i always have to be the one that being ignored and not the one that ignores?? Why am i such a fail, such a loser? Maybe to you, im nothing. I mean i am nothing to you now. Hahaha. Its okay. Its me that finding a way to let you do that to me again. So dumb. :) I have so much hard time. So much. So much. Its okay. Im tired. Ive been saying that and im still here wondering about you. Haha. Such a loser. :)