Day #78: Wonder.

I think i did another stupid thing again. I want myself to catch a cold. You might think im exaggerating, im acting, im lying, im a loser, but i really cant take one day not thinking about you, not talking to you, not texting you. Though, it's been days we didnt talk. And i know, at this time, it should be something supposed to be, but i really dont feel good. I need really hot water to shower on usual days. But today, I shower with cold water. I was shivering in the shower, so badly. Right after the cold shower, i ran straight under the fan which is on with high speed. I just want to be sick. And get absent the next day. So, i dont have to see you. I dont have to overthink things. Its just plain stupid, i know. But i couldnt take it anymore. Talked to bean today. As usual, get scolded. Yes, you get over me so easily. You accepted the fact so easily. You move on so easily. Yes, and im still dwelling here. I still cant get over it. I still need  you. I know it's all my fault. Im really not blaming anyone for the responsibility, i know you dont involve in this anymore. I know its myself that couldnt get up. And yes, I love you too much. I dont expect anyone to understand me anymore. I talked to everyone and they treated me like i purposely didnt want to get up. I know i should be blamed for that. Im so sorry that i love you so much. You can get over, doesnt mean i can too. I tried my best to be happy ad. You know, the feelings, the promises, the words, the hugs, everything, I can only keep it to myself. I dont want to talk to anyone about anything anymore. I really dont want. I cant imagine what will happen after steph leaves malaysia. I want to leave this place too. I just cant. I need steph. I need her. I need you too. I just cant too. Its okay. She deserves good treatment, happy life. I shouldnt be selfish and develop my pain on her. Love you, steph. Goodnight, dear.