Day #139: Beautiful.

I had a very beautiful dream last night. A dream that isnt real, but i just dont want to wake up from it. I know after i wake up, i have to experience the same pain again. I just love the dreams that have you inside. Eventhough it's just a dream. :) I still have to wake up from it anyway. That annoying feeling that you have waking up from a really good dream. Hahah. Yeah, sure. I dont even get the point why are you mad. Everything happened to me is just because i trusted you too much. It's actually my fault. To give you the chance to do everything again and again. And getting accuse for not trusting you, sure, no problem. :) From the first day in everything i do, i dont expect people to understand why am i still trusting you, including you. I trust you, because i do. I dont need a reason for that. You can keep accusing whatever i do. You think you're having hard time and im just finding problems for you, yeah, sure. I just didnt expect you think me that way. Its not the first time anyway. You can get mad for any reason. I did all this, i should be responsible. You get mad, but im the one that gave you the chance to be mad. My bad. I will hold on to myself. I will. I believe in what i believe. People asked me, do you still believe him after everything he did to you? I did not hesitate and said yes. I dont even know why. It's okay. Yung. It's okay. You dont need anyone to understand what are you doing as long as you know it's the best for him. :)

Day #138: Lies.

It's true that my dad said, never believe in guys. :) Never ever. Sweet talk is just so easy. Promises, are just stupid. Hhaha. I know the reason why you're online on Whatsapp. I know. I just know everything. Erhmm.. And i actually bloody online just to wait for your message. Foolish me. I should know earlier. Phone got problem and i cant connect to wifi. I have to use data to online. And yeah, wasted my data for that stupid reason. I just dont understand myself, sometimes. Or maybe, i understand myself too well? I know all my intentions in doing everything, even it's not for myself, just for someone who i cant have, forever. I overestimate you again? Thought that you will care? Thought that everything will be good? No. Life doesnt work that way, Yung. You thought you're so heroin that you can change his life? You thought people really care that much about how you think about his life? No. No. No. Everything happened just because i think it so. But it doesnt work that way. Im just stupid. Hahaha. Deserve every shit in life. :) Sly people. All have special intentions in doing everything. Not the good ones.

Day #137: Demanding.

Gave my last shot. That's it. I really tried my best. I dont know what else to do. I know i shouldnt expect so much. Im not expecting anyway. I know the result, even before i go there. Did i overestimate you? I know you can do more than you are doing now. You just dont believe yourself can. Being tied with certain things that you think they are right. I really dont know how to put things in words. What i want to say is more than what i said. Really. Good? No, i dont feel good. Last shot? Yes, it is. Cause i dont think i can do anymore. I know people think that im demanding. Even i think i am. But if forcing can make everything right, i would like to be the bad person. I dont mind. Since, im already the evil one. Cried in front of dad's alter today. Sorry dad. For everything i did. Things happen for a reason. I believe that. I wont let things happen for the wrong reason. That's why i gave all i can to put everything in place. Just please dont try to run away, when im trying my best to face your problem. Be single to think about things. It will make you see things clearer. I swear. That smile that people think it's true, will always remain as true. It doesnt matter what is inside anymore, cause even myself, dont care anymore. As long as you're happy. Everything i did, just wish you're happy. You can always say you're happy. But i know when you are, and when you're not. Not trying to act smart. Terrible headache with fever. Good pair, darlings. -.-"

Day #136: Last.

This might be my last shot in doing things for you. Im so afraid in doing all things. I didnt know i will be this afraid to do things. I cried at night just because im scared of things changing. But things change, in anyway. You used to love me, but not anymore. Changed. Maybe im just afraid of accepting the truth. I always believe i can change someone's life and i want to. I dont believe whatever people say about about faith or fate. I dont believe that, i think i can change just because i want. There's nothing as destined. I know the result in doing this wont change much, but im just trying with my last try to make things right. I know, after tomorrow, there will be a drastic change. I just have to deal with it. I believe too much in what i believe. No doubt that i still believe. Cause that's what makes me today. Every girls also want a guy who really gives her all his attention and will tell her everything will be okay, cause he's here. Instead of letting her to take all her problem on her own. It just seems like im wasting my effort on someone that dont even know how to love himself. But i got no regret, cause it's you. But this might be my last shot.

Day #135: Thoughts.

I really want to know what are you thinking in your head. Things i do, is it right? Am I being busy body? I thought i was doing the right thing. I need a lot of guts to make these things real. It took me so much courage. I couldnt ask for more things. I have to learn to not expecting anything. I swear, im not expecting anything anymore. Im afraid, everyday. Afraid of things changing again and again, to something really strange. I dont like changing. I know i cant expect people to be the same over years. But this year, too many changes. Im trying my best to do whatever i can do to help you, but my strength is limited. Im not a very smart person. I dont know how to use my brain wisely. I just want a normal life. I dont want to be the evil, mean person. I know once i start doing all that, everything will change again. I just want the best for you. I dont know whether it's the best, but it's all i can do. I know how much youre doing for me, but let me do what i can do to help. You might not appreciate my help, i know. Loving someone too deep, it's just hurtful like torturing you again and again, non-stop. I've reached the level that i hate myself a lot, tired of myself, stress about myself, being such a pathetic fella. Im just trying to help.

Day #134: Sunday.

This sunday is kind of boring. Stayed at home the whole day because i have to study at home and mum is alone at home. Beside studying, its still studying. I wonder anything goes in my mind. HAhahah. Hope there is. Pretty tired today. I have no idea why, it's not that i did anything very tiring. Maybe too much time spent doing nothing instead sitting on the chair, facing the papers. Blah. Boring life. I almost did that today. It keeps me thinking too much. But I'll just keep it until after class test. Im not sure whether i have the guts to do, as im afraid in doing everything. Im afraid to lose everything again. Watched the MU and QPR match last night. Hah, it's cool. :3 I need to learn to watch football match. It's a must. >.< Ohh.. That day, Jeanne found a grey hair on my head!!!!! Am I that stress about everything that i have grey hair?! It's my first grey hair! I guess im really thinking too much and bring all your problems as mine. Yung Yung is useless. Pfft.

Day #133: Bleh.

It's a tiring day. I think there's something wrong with my phone which is quite annoying. I couldnt connect my phone to the wifi. I dont want to reset the phone. Gawd damn. Went dinner with cousin's family. Cause mum went for some event and no one will be cooking for me since brother and sister not around too. After dinner, went to cousin's aunty's house, to decorate the Christmas tree. It was exhausting especially im having fever. :/ And had great time with golf mates too, as usual. I think about a lot of things everyday. Im just finding stupid things for myself. Am i thinking too much for the person that doesnt even care for his life? I will do all my best for the person that i care to be on the right way, instead of being in such a lost condition. I've seen people who are regret on making the wrong decision, and ended their lives just like that. I just dont want it to happen on person that i care. I dont know whether what i do is wrong or right, but i'll try my best to make it right. You probably dont trust me anymore, but i didnt stop trusting you. Swear with my life.

Day #132: Rotten.

Ohhh. We had like freaking 9 hours in uni after the first paper which ended at 11am. I spent that 9 hours whole day in uni. Im rotten. I did not bath for that 9 hours. All my friends went back as usual. Brought Elven along with me since he's alone. Divya brought us for lunch. It's been a long long time since I had my last indian meal. I love indian food. They are the best. Ate with hands. :D Divya taught me a sentence in tamil. HAhah. Wanted to try on the cashier to get some discount, but i failed. He was too serious. HAHAH. Stayed in the library for hours in the discussion room. Boringggggg. I realised I was having fever right before test. Not the right timing. Had a really terrible headache. Like seriously. I was forcing myself to smile with all i can to let people think im alright. I can feel that i almost pass out. I was so dizzy. And cold. Feverrrrrr.. I wonder what will happen if i die?

Day #131: Worry.

I dont know what am i thinking anymore. Im actually worry about myself. Am i thinking too much? Am i worrying too much when people dont care? I guess i am. Today, for the whole day, i feel so weird and uncomfortable. Probably too worry about the chemistry test. I found myself doing the wrong thing again and again today. Hmmm.. I was looking at your picture to make myself sleep in last night. :( I know it's not right, but i did. I think im back to the phase that i miss you so much. Urghhhh. Gonna slap myself to the max. Sometimes, it's not that i want to keep the distance, but i have to. Im afraid. I do. Ive asked around what should i do. I just dont know. Stand up, Yung.

Day #130: Test.

Had algebra class test today. I was so afraid. I missed all the vectors lectures, and i know nothing about it. I can only do everything based on the SPM knowledge and the tutorials. Hope i did everything correct. I need the marks. :O At least i did all questions and it was quite smooth. It's okay. :) Will be having chemistry tomorrow. Guess it's another haunting subject. It will be a big relief after test tomorrow. Although, there's more tests coming, at least the ones i scared the most are over. Everything really keeps playing in my mind that make me cant really concentrate. I did all I promised. I did keep my promises, every single one. But you didnt appreciate my effort. Sometimes, i know your point in doing things for my good. Things dont always go in your way. You're too lucky to have everything on your back. And what i did, are for your benefits. Individually. Someone aske me, whether im okay. I replied I am. But he said, "the more i smile, the more that makes people worry." I really appreciate those that care. Those that just see, of course believe that i get over everything. I hope i am. The fear that i said before, just happened again. The special bond, the special interaction is once again, gone. The image i have of you makes me flutter.

Day #129: Smile.

Found some old pictures. There's one of the pictures is me with dad. :( Dad used to be so big size and i used to be so small. I wish time can be rewind. The time when i was young, when i have no things to worry about, when i have a happy family. Nothing is the same anymore. What i can do now, is just smile with all i can. Pretend as if nothing happened. Mum said when i was young, i dont know how to smile or laugh. What an ironic that i like to smile now. At least until after class test, and i'll start to solve things that should be solved since long time ago. Sometimes, it's not that im stubborn or anything. But i really want to prove my point in everything i did. I hope you see my intention one day, like how i understand yours, but not agreeing. I think im finding problems for myself, but i will not give up, for the sake of you. I will make things right, even the surrounding tells me it's not right. Cause i know what is the best, and definitely not current. Trust me, you. You know who you are. Just let me get this test over first. -.- Hate tests. Pfft.

Day #128: Blue Monday.

Blue is the color representing unhappy. I really tried my best to make things right, but it always ended up the other way. And I always regret doing it when the others dont even care. Why do i have to think so much? Why cant i be independent? Is it that hard? I tried really hard to get things out of my mind at least a while to let me study properly for the test, but it just didnt turn out that way too. I laughed, I smiled, I tried. But deep inside me, I dont feel good. I dont know how to describe or express myself. I really dont know. I've reached a point that i want to give up everything. Please, tell me what to do. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong, how to do? Being strong is not as easy as how you say it. Everyone knows. I dont need pity. Neither sympathy. Sometimes i rather to be on my own. I know myself, i tend to lose confident and care about what everyone says. I mean EVERYONE. People always say its a good experience even after break up. But you know, the pain that i had is more than the happiness i had. I gave my best to do everything, but it turns out really sucky, though i know no one cares.

Day #127: Insurance.

Settle with dad's insurance today. I didnt know dad bought me insurance. I mean, it's normal for other family, but to me, it's different story. It's been a long time since i last see my friends. Meeting them tomorrow, yay! :D But im quite afraid of people's reaction tomorrow. Dont know why. :/ Studied for quite a long time today, supposed to be satisfy, but it seems quite empty. Uhhh.. How? Im not sure whether im alright, but i really want to cry for some reason. I feel that, something is holding back. Hmmm, Yung, relax yourself. :( Im waiting for the day that i can let go everything out of my mind. I know myself is not mature at all. Keep holding back things, keep asking why, keep asking for answers. So not right. I can never grow from that. Never gonna give myself any excuses anymore. Please, No.

Day #126: Yeah.

Went golf today. Cause Wilson gor gor went for golf game, therefore, i had lunch with uncle Ken. Kay, it's my first time in a sport car. It's awesome. Mr-S. HAHA. Dont really know about these things, but it's cool. I guess, people like Jeannie who has super long legs will be suffering sitting inside. HAHA. After that, went prayer for dad's stuff. Took us about 3 hours. :O I really miss dad. But what can i do? :( I know he's in better place. Thought about a lot of things. Not going to mention it. But i know those things always haunt me. You know, when people want to lie, they're doing something bad to themselves. Yeah, I do get fooled, besides that, I got no harm. And themselves are the one that get guilty. So, what is that for me to be mad? At least, Im honest to myself. More than enough, isn't it? So, next time, think twice when you want to lie. People that get fooled have no harm, and you're the one that actually get guilty. :) Dont lie.

Day #125: Aaa-choooo!

Has an itchy nose today. Kept sneezing. Feel like cutting it off. Haha. Does it mean someone is missing me?? Hahha. Dad left for a week ad. Time flies. I still remember his face when he passed away. He wasnt struggling, but he went through a lot. I miss him. I tell him everyday, i wish he hears me. I hope when i go back for class on monday, no one will ask me whether im okay. Cause im not. Just dont ask me in my face, i will not know how to react.  i can smile, i can laugh, its me, but when im alone, i think im another person. Hmmm... Its alright. :) Let go everything, Yung. Kept asking why is a childish act. Everything is meant to be so and it will be fine. :)

Day #124: Please.

I beg again, please take away the memory of you from me. I dont even cherish a single bit of the memory. It makes me suffer like no tomorrow. I rather i didnt meet you before. Sorry, that im weak. 4 months. It's even longer than the time we're together. But it haunts me again and again. This 4 months, every second i had, seems like putting me to death. I cant be as cool as you. I look okay, from the outside, but who knows, inside is tearing apart in every second. I miss dad. I really miss him. He told my aunt before he passed away, that he's regret he didnt have the chance to bring me out for vacation or even just a walk in shopping center. Thought back, i didnt have the chance to go out with my family. Ever since he's ill, i was just in primary school. I really grew up in such family. But i didnt blame my dad. I remembered, i made sure myself to wake up every weekend early in the morning to go breakfast with parents, even siblings didnt join. Mentally, i cant recover from both incidents that happened to me. If i knew something like that will happen, i will not even fall in love with someone that make myself miserable. If i knew i was this weak.

Day #123: Pretzel.

Attempt on pretzel with sister today. I think it's kind of fail, but who cares, first attempt. Went to get some grocery and baking ingredients. But we really dont have the mood to walk around. Just got the ingredients and went home right after it. Its not that im not feeling well, but i really dont feel good. I need someone to talk to so badly. I cant find anyone. Friends supposed to come over tomorrow, but i have no idea why theyre not coming anymore. When i feel like crying, i really want to cry my lungs out. Oh please. I had enough forcing myself to be okay. Why do i even want to care how people think? Im just useless. To think about those unnecessary things. It's not that people will care what you're up to. But, Yung, why do you still keep thinking? Everything happens for a reason. Believe in what you're believing, Yung. It's okay. Everything will be alright. It will be. Hard times are over. I always forget to love myself more, and put you as my prior. Its okay. :)

Day #122: Tough.

When a girl is being strong, does it mean that people can hurt her like no feelings? I dont need people to pity. I dont need symphaty. Ask me only when you mean it, not because you think im pitiful. Yes. No one has the duty or responsible to care, not everyone gives a damn to my problem, if you dont mean it, fine. DONT ASK. Im really tired. Of everything. Why do you want to drag me into your life when you dont have the intention to leave her or stay in mine? I was just a normal person. Everything happened in this year is just hurtful. I just wanted a normal college life. Its not that i dont want to talk to anyone, i know friends are there. But i dont know how to express it and i dont like talking through phones. Because of a person, i completely lose the trust to tell people about my problems too. When you thought he cares and he doesnt, i just feel like a fool exposing my own problem as if people will care.

Day #121: Ashes.

Went to collect dad's ashes today. Didnt cry today. I know im not good, but it's not that i can do anything. Crying isnt going to help. Im not going to let myself to cry again. How bad i feel, not going to cry, anymore. Im not going to show my weak side again. No one can understand how it really feels. Half a year, I lost 2 of my dearest, what you want me to feel? Im too disappointed at myself. Too disappointed. I see how my mum force herself. She kept doing housework to fill her emptiness. Even when we're having dinner, she had the time to sit down and think, she'll start crying. It's not good. Keep laughing, doesnt mean im good. Im really tired and depressed. I really want to talk to someone, and i really cant find that someone. Who can i talk to? Please. Tell. Me.

Day #120: Gone.

He's gone, forever. I will always remember his face. Totally break down today. Even mum. All the things that we had to do due to the tradition thing is just heartbreaking. I didnt know mum has to break the comb. That's to initiate that mum and dad are going on their own after this. Something like divorce. Isnt that hurtful? I cant do anything and just kept on shouting for mum and dad. After dad's body is put into the car, I really cant say anything and sat there quietly. I was so weak that i need people to support me and hold me. I almost pass out today. Because of the fever, crying too much, and lack of sleep for nights. I can feel myself swaying when i was praying. Luckily cousins were there to hold me. And i was so weak that i need my uncle to carry me down the car. I miss dad. :( And please, dont say you understand how much ive been through, how this year is hard for me, cause no one really understands the pain. Sometimes, i really want to talk to you, but i just cant. Remember, he's someone else's. You still have to take things alone, Yung. :) Dont believe people.

Day #119: Star.

I see a very bright star hanging in the dark sky. I think that's my dad. :) He's looking at us and blessing us, I know that. I cant go near to dad's body. Really cant, cause i will break down. Whenever i go near, i will just cry out of no where. Hmmm... Just miss my dad. :( It's okay. Telling myself it's okay will be good enough. I thought someone will come. High school friends wanted to come, but they dont know the way. College friends, none, i think it's because its holiday and everyone went back to hometown. At least theres one of my friends came. Good enough. Sometimes, you just need a shoulder to cry on. I dont know what to do. Hmmm.. i think im still having slight fever. Uhhh.. Bit dizzy. :(

Day #118: Funeral.

Dad had left us. This is my first time to have a funeral within the family, as in relatives. And it happens on my dad. I miss dad so much. I miss him warm hand. Miss his advices. Miss him everything. But from another point of view, it's somehow good too. At least dad doesnt have to suffer anymore. He's good now, in heaven. He doesnt have to fear of injection, medicine, pain. I see him having his last breath, that machine that showed his heartbeats, from high to low, and to straight line. He was unconscious. But i know he can hear me, can hear us. Dad, i will be a strong girl, will not fear of any failure. I will listen to mum, study hard, earn money, and give mum a good life. Sorry that i wasnt able to give you the comfort that you deserve. The regret. I love you, dad. Find a place that you are comfort to, you'll have peace and happiness. God will lead you the way. Bless me, dad. And im having slight fever. Hmm..

Day #117: Leaving?

Will he be leaving tonight? I dont know. Hope everything is alright. Staying in hospital tonight. And unfortunately, i miss you too. Stupid brain.

Day #116: Tears.

In my life, I tried so hard to make people happy, without caring my image, being a retard, laugh like a clown, smile like im the happiest girl, but who knows what i had to put that smile on? Who can actually think that behind that smile, are all scars. A heartbroken to have another heartbroken. Please appreciate what you have, know that you're actually so lucky. Not everyone has that. Im not asking for more. I do appreciate my life. I had so much to let you go. It's killing me, still. You begged me, last time. But why didnt you think that i need you too? I need you so much. Ive stand up so long, and im really tired. I really cannot afford anything anymore. As usual, I will not cry in front of anyone. I will continue to smile, to laugh, to be a retard. And spread the happiness to people who deserve it.

Day #115: Nervous.

Im sorry that i cant get rid of you out of my mind. Im sorry that im still loving you. Im sorry that i feel too much. Im sorry that im easily affected by you. Im sorry for all. I just couldnt forget you. All the time when i needed you, you were there. But not anymore. You used to be the one that i tell everything to, but now youre the one that i hide everything away from. I love you. Always do.

Day #114: Gathering?

Its been a really long time since i see some of the relatives. But i dont know why, today everyone just bang into my house. I just feel awkward. I couldnt sleep last night, at all. The nightmare, kept haunting me. I dont know what to feel. I dont want that day to be here so soon. But it's not anything i can control or manage. I know what will happen since long time, but everything gets worse and worse. What else we can do? We cant do anything. We tried every way to make things right, but it just doesnt work out. With my own problem, how can i feel good. How can i be truly happy? Even in class today, everything just rush into my mind. My family, you, homework, quizzes, just everything. I want to cry so badly. Though i know crying wont help any little. But i really dont know what else to do. Please dont let that day to be here so soon. Im just fear of accepting the truth. I dont want to. A broken heart that hasnt recover at all doesnt want to have another heartbroken. God bless me. Im afraid.

Day #113: Father.

Followed mum to Seremban this morning for dad's medical appointment. It was a long journey and for a person at my age, being dragged early in the morning, is a torture. Anyway, I still followed. That's why i missed the chance to go back to uni to study. When the master was talking to mum, i overheard something. Its all expected. We reached home in late noon. I couldnt rush to uni. Dad talked to me. After all the years, it's the first time he really talked to me. He told about my young time, how i should face the future and be strong no matter what happens. Surprisingly he said, dont ever depend on a guy in my future. I thought of you. Whatever you did. Whatever i went through. I didnt dare to tell him anything. I just cried and cried. I looked at my scars, cried even harder. I know, things happen. I cant expect everything to be smooth. And im sure im not having a smooth one. I told you things, but you didnt give a damn to it. You were the closest person i had. I told you every single thing. But now, i dont have the trust to tell anyone anything. Even towards different persons, I shouldnt imply things like that on others, but i just cant tell anyone else. When the closest person you think that he wont hurt you, but he hurt you, how can you still have the trust towards humans. I realised, how i smile, i actually fear of everything happened and going to happen. Dad, I know you were expecting me to say something, but i was crying so badly that i cant even talk, but i love you. I do.

* Not forgetting it used to be an important day.

Day #112: Windy.

Im thinking, whether i have a time that i dont think about you? Hmm.. I dont know. Maybe not. Everytime my mind just automatically flow to you and myself trying to fight back. Until a level that im numb to all things. Dont even know what i want now. Isnt that stupid? :( I went for golf today. Wilson gor gor said im too flexible that always get my swing screws up. Not a good thing. Always doing the same mistakes for years. Once its fixed, after a while, it gets back to the bad one. Pfft. When same mistakes are done for times, it annoys you. I mean it. Cousin came over to my place. We played guitar together, just to try out the songs i practised. I really have bad coordination. I cant coordinate my brain with my fingers, or hand. It causes a lot of trouble. Hahaha.

Note to self: Everything willl be alright. It will be. You tried your best. Its okay. Just dont need to care. You can  be strong. And you will be. Everything, just smile. Act like theres nothing happened. Hide to yourself. Be happy.

Day #111: Sentimental.

It's 12.30am. I just finished my shower. Having late night shower is not good. Its too cold. Ahh. I remembered how i used to torture myself. :( To shower in cold water. But i might do that again, someday. :/ When i cant control myself again. Trying my best to keep everything under control. I was playing with y guitar. Im trying so hard to at least get one song work out. Ahh. Guitar is not as easy as everyone thinks. :( I realised in my phone, all the songs  have, are mostly those old, romantic, sentimental, love songs. Somehow the lyrics mean a lot more than what the current hits having now.

The smile on your face let me know that you need me,
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me,
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me, whenever i fall,
You say it best... When you say nothing at all..

People around me really deserve to be happy. They have the best smiles, but people like to hurt them and thought that they are tough enough to hold the pain. Overthink, assumptions, and high expectations always ruin things. People should leave their comfort zone and be strong enough move forward. I know im not strong enough. But Im trying my best. Im not going to give up. If you want to see me to back down, I will show you how far i can go. Ive reached my maximum limit, but same time, im pushing myself further. People keep saying, dont force yourself. I know i have to force myself. I know i have to. I have no choice. I dont want to lose my leftover dignity anymore to let you, everyone else to look down.

Day #110: November.

Isnt the day a bit too long? I just couldnt stop blogging. Im really stressful. With my current condition, my studies and projects. I dont even know whether im alright. I have to cry myself to sleep every night. Im tired saying im okay, but beside that, i dont know what else to say. I cant expect people to understand me. Please tell me what else i can do? I know i cant blame anything, i cant change a thing. I didnt even expect myself to sit in front of the laptop in the midnight, crying alone. I tried my best to leave everything out of my mind, but i really cant take it anymore. I really have the urge to jump down the building. I cant tell anyone what im having now. Not everyone is having what i am, how can i expect them to understand me. Im not magnifying my small problem, but if you pay attention to see or listen to what im having, you'll know. Im not trying to ask people to pity me, cause i dont need anyone's pity. I just dont understand why do i still dream about you at night? The person that will never ever exist in my life anymore. The person who doesnt even want to stay in my life. Its a new month. I hope everything will go well. Im really tired of myself. Enough of relying on others. Did i even rely on anyone? Was i being to dependent? Wasnt i facing the problems? Or running away?