Day #162: Deserve.

Did i do anything wrong in the previous life? Was I a killer? Am I a bad person to deserve all this? Ever since I was young, everyone keeps saying they dont like me. Is it real? Even my own parents didnt like me. If you all really dont like me, why did you want to give birth to me? Why do you want to give birth to me and scold me that Im not your daughter? Do you all even know how it feels when you hear your own parents to say that? Ever since you're young. From the day everyone started to say that, I tried my really best to be the best daughter, best girlfriend, best friend, best person I can. Maybe im not the best, but i tried my best. I really did. Everyday I suffer so much to get things over. Since young, I cried and cried due to people disliking me. Being hated by sister from the moment i was born. Being scolded by father not his daughter just because of a small thing. Being scolded by mother because of  father "disown" me. Being betrayed by best friend. People threw money in my face just because others talk bad behind my back. Being left out for the next few years. Being forgotten by everyone. I know I dont have the worst life to cry over. I have good things happened to me too. But do i really deserve all this every year? Does anyone actually feel how hurtful it is deep inside me? Crying and crying, who knows? It's not that i dont understand your feelings, mum. I do. If not, I will not always think about you when im anywhere. I will not hide myself and cry in the middle of the night, silently. I will not try my best to laugh and smile in front of you. Cause i dont want you to worry. You dont have to tell me again and again how dad hated me even how hard I tried to be the best girl. You really dont have to. I know your feelings. But why cant you see that im actually in pain too? Not only because I lost my dad, my studies, my own life. I did not tell you anything just because I dont want you to worry. Do you actually know that I cut myself before and how badly I feel like dying? Do you know the only thing that pull me through everything is you, just because I dont want to see you worry? And you say I didnt understand your feelings? I see what you've been through. But who really knows exactly everything I've been through in every way. Im really tired to always be the person who tries to be happy. What do you think when i see other family so happily going out together for a family day? Ever since I was 12, dad never brings me out anymore due to the sickness. How I wish there's one day that the whole family can go out together? Primary school time, there were moments like this. But do you think I remember anything like that? I dont have any memory like that. I just wish there is one day for me, that my dad can actually hold my hand and walk around the shopping mall with me. Even he hated me, but i have the best memory of him. I also tried my best to be the best daughter for you and try to help you everytime. I know sometimes Im lazy that I didnt do. I know that's my fault. I really try my best to be the best person. And i wish i can be rebellious for a moment, to forget all the responsibilities. I wanted to call you so badly, but I know I cant. Everyone I love, just doesnt love me the same way. Do I really deserve to be treated like that? Do I really deserve to be scolded like that? Am I really that bad? Maybe I am. If I have enough guts, I would have die immediately. But I know it will also be a torture to her. But Im tired of being the good person. That people think it's okay to put things and pressure on me again.