Day #109: Halloween.

Happy Halloween to all!! Everytime i say Halloween, automatically i will think of pumpkins. I dont know why. HAhah. Craved pumpkinssss! So cute. ISP is stressing me now. I have to do the video. I dont mind doing the video, but please, i need information! Texted those people, dont reply. Whatsapp, dont reply. Okay, finally replied, but only once. SO ANNOYING! How am i going to do thingssss?? Hmmm.. Its okay. Calm, Yung. Soon to be over. :) Food, makes me happy. I made potato salad for breakfast tomorrow. Hope its going to make my day well. :D These days are just so hard for me. I dont know. Maybe im thinking too much again. I just remember all the days we spent, we went through. It wasnt easy, but yet it was the best time. But if i have to go through all this shit, i rather to give up the best time. Sorry. Im not a person who can afford to be abandoned and left alone. I rather im alone all the while. Ohh. And Sandy is hitting New York really bad. Glad that cousin and family are all good there. :( People should stop polluting for further disasters. I think im going to be sick. Nose so itchy.
I realise my blog posts dont follow sequences when i type. Everything jumble up. HAHA. First about what happened to myself, then my thoughts, then feelings, back to daily stuffs, and some stupid own theories. I wonder what people feel to read these.. Hmm..

Day #108: Love.

Love is today's title cause im listening to Jason Mraz's Everything is sound. It started with "When there is love~~". Hahahah. Just being random. Nice song too. I slept early last night. It was a very satisfying sleep since ive been lack of sleep these days. However, i had a very weird dream. Really weird. People always say, dream is something you think about involuntary, i wonder whether its true. I wish it's not true, but somehow, i think it is true. Maybe im trying to deny everything i feel, i dont know. I dont like the feeling being not sure of what i feel. But all i can do is ignoring and ignoring and ignoring. Just let it off, Yung. But remember, DONT CRY. Nothing to cry about. Nothing. Remember, youre a strong girl. Find myself back. I just recall, how was i exposed to One Direction.. What make you beautiful, One Thing.. Uhhh.. Okay.. Im never this determine before. Though, still failing at times. Its not that im determine to do anything, but determine to stand up. Its easy to say, but never easy to do. Im suffering every single day to work this out. Just let me go through this shit.

*i n 55!W 1 [I really do.]

Day #107: Magic.

I dont know what to do. I dont know how long more i can stand, Ive really reached my maximum limit. Smile, smile and smile. Does it really work? I dont know. But that's all i can do. Whatever i said, i thought im able to do well, and i think i am, just not good enough. I know how everything works. I know how i feel. I know myself. Just sometimes, i deny myself. Cause i dont know what to do anymore. If everything is so easy, it would be good. Life is never east, noted. Hold on there, Yung. Its good enough till this time. Be confident, you dont need people's agreement in anything, you know that. You're much more better than anything, You dont need people to know what youve been through, cause you know what to expect from them. I still remember, that time i went to Dr Khor's clinic, he said to Uncle Ken, "This girl changed. She's more confident now." I was shock to hear that, probably, im more comfortable with my own friends, who dont even know whats my problems, but i know im good to put everything on my shoulders. That's what a smile can hide. Love is magical, but magic can be an illusion too. I dont know the definition of love anymore. I dont even dare to open up. Im young, i know. I still have plenty of time, i know. But this stupid mind, just couldnt let the right person in, instead making the wrong one stays. Girls are always stupid, when it comes to things like that. -.-" Silly people. Goodnight.

Day #106: Stressful.

I wanted to go back to uni to study today. Urghhh. But things happened. So annoying, Cant really study after all. I have to catch up all the syllabus. I cannot wait till exam only I start study. Just so stress with everything happened around. All things. Anyway, CIMB Classic's result turns out quite out of expectation. HAHA. Thought that Kruger will win, but ended Watney won. Hahah. But he played so well that overall 22 under. Good one.
I realised myself, think of you more frequent these days. Its not right. Totally not right. Never right. If i can just forget things, it must be really good. I hate myself doing that. Everything will be alright, Yung. I talked to mum today about some problem. I told her, everything happened, just smile. What else can we do when we face problem after trying your best and people dont appreciate it? Smile. Just that easy. I can tell her how easy it is, but im not even sure, whether i can do it. But i dont think so. Ive been trying so hard to get everything off my mind. I just couldnt. Still fighting for that one moment. I know i can do it. Cause i know you wouldnt care anymore. And im trying my best to not care for anyone anymore. People take advantage from people who care for them. Thats true. I totally agree.

Day #105: Nature.

The mother nature is so beautiful. Its so amazing that how the nature brings the beauty to our life, lighten it, brighten it, colored it and beautify it. Just a simple flower is able to change the atmosphere of the event. Like, how roses make a place romantic, how flowers make a successful wedding and how trees make a garden looks lively. God's creation, best ever. It's just so pretty. As usual, went golf today. It was awesome, like always. I realised, a person, he can laugh, joke insult people everytime, but when it comes to something really serious, like health, hes much more responsible than you ever thought. CK is so responsible about everything, though hes been annoying and disturbing, to me. But without his disturbance, i know every golf time will be boring though. LOL. Im blessed that im surrounded with people who have good hearts being kind and caring, just a few that are really suckers. -.- Its okay, Yung. Just forget about those who dont even care about anything, theres much more that worth you from caring. Ohh. And i stalked one of my friend's facebook. She's such a slut. Seriously. On the 13th of Oct, she told this guy how much she missed him and so, but on the 23rd of Oct, she changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" with another guy. THAT IS SO GROSS. Ewww. Just saying. LOL. Some people just can get into a relationship so fast. I dont even think she's serious in dating that person. I mean to both. -.- Like how you did to me, apparently.

"Saying i love you, is not the words that i want to hear from you, Its not that i want you, not to say but if you only knew, how easy it would be to show me how you feel, more than words, is all you have to do to make it real than you wouldnt have to say  that you love me, Cause i'd already know." - More than words (Westlife) This is one of my favorite song. Yeah, as everyone says, action means more than words. Dont ever trust guys, I mean it. All of their words are just sweet words that got you into traps and never mean to save you out from it again. They'll let you die inside, alone. Or else, climb out yourself.

Day #104: Holiday.

Its a public holiday today. Stayed at home and grew some mushrooms. LOL. I was so bored for the whole day. I just dont know what to do. I broke my spectacles too. And so, i went to the optical shop to repair it in the evening. Clumsy Yung. :( After repairing my spectacles, sis and I went Midvalley to get something. To fill in the baking cupboard. Ive baked too much recently. Thats why need to refill the ingredients. So happy that i bought so many ingredients. HAhaha. Should try to bake something new soon. :P While walking, i found myself, somehow, thinking about you. When i realised that, i hate myself even more. Ive been buried all the feelings deep down. It shouldnt just show up like this. It suffers me. When i realised im thinking about you, i just quickly switch my mind to other things. I know it didnt work, just temporarily ignore. If im stronger, nothing like this will happen. If im a robot, everything will be so beautiful. Theres too many if in the life, that people nowadays dont even know to choose the right decision. If i did that, If i chose this... And whatever. People will lose the ability to think. Should stop saying If. If you dont have a demanding family, If you didnt like your ex like before. Too many ifs. Overthinking ruins everything. Well, Yung, just hold on there.

Day #103: Absence.

I wonder do you even care of my absence? Probably not, just thinking too much again. Running away from the truth for one day is so good for me. After the emotional day, which is yesterday, I was absent for today's class. To me, it's a big relief that im able to do things that i like and run away from you. I feel so good, though im tired. Love can make people think foolishly, act stupidly, and do things blindly.Waking up from a dream is hard, but continuing a dream that never will be true is even harder. Cause we will only live in the illusions that we imagined and never feel the reality. I wish I could dream about being with you and dont want to wake up from it, but i know it wont work. Never will. And i have to force myself to wake up from the dream. Too much illusions are not good for our minds. We might not able to differentiate the real world and the world that filled with lies and illusions. I have to stay optimistic and be happy always. To have a positive mind. To make things right. To make sure im alright. To do things well. I dont like being too weak. I dont like being attacked again and again. I have to rebuild my wall. A stronger one to resist any feelings or anything else. Stand up, Yung. I wish Noah from the notebook exists. It will be so nice, if person like that really exists.

Day #102: Robot.

Oh yeah. I wished im a robot, sincerely from my heart. At least, like the movie, i dont have to feel anything. Not even a single bit of feelings. I tried so hard to build up my wall to keep the distance, to ignore myself, to be strong, ended up, everything is just ruined like that, in a second. Im not strong. I can move till now, its more than what i expected. What i have to overcome is more than anyone out there can imagine. Saying im tired is not going to help in anything, it's not that i can do anything about it anymore. Its all my fault. I built the wall to protect myself to fall for you more and more. But it just fall off like that. What can i do? I just didnt expect myself to be so weak again. I tried my best to hold to the end, but i really cant. I just cant. I didnt expect myself to react like that. I tried to not put myself in the situation, but it fits so well on me. Everything is like its destined to happen. For jae's incident to the replacement, the storyline and everything. I thought i can handle better than what i did, but no. Overestimate myself. Such a failure.

Day #101: Baking.

Baking is fun. I love baking. But i dont eat what i baked. HAHA. Am i picky? I just dont like sweet stuff. I baked for my etp group. Its my first attempt on baking for bigger groups of people. Its a big challenge, especially i cant get enough ingredients. HAHA. With limited ingredients, i baked what i can. It looks nice. I wish it really tastes nice. >.< And i ate chocolate today. Though im not supposed to, but i did. And im happy after eating it. :D Today, Divya invited me for lunch. I accompanied her and talked to her about many things. It's my first time letting everything out. At least someone knows, what am i really actually suffering from. We sat by the lake, and i just couldnt control and cried. Part of it because of the same reason. I hate myself. For dropping tears for you again and again. Ignoring surroundings. Hide myself in my own world. The world that will not betray me. I cant afford to lose anymore things. Im such a loser. I dont expect everything around to be perfect. If they're not, then i'll make them perfect. I know, if i trust, i can. How annoying everything is, i'll do good. I know im capable in doing everything. Truth is always cruel. If you did not fail before, youll never know the pain. How cruel the truth can be, end up, it the one that brings you up. I believe in that. I chose to believe the words you gave me that were all lies. Cause it's not a truth. How much people told me, it stabs me every part. But i know i have to grow from there. Instead of dwelling with a guy that will not even look at me. Where i fall, i have to wake up from there. I cant expect people to carry me to the finishing line. Which is impossible. If i dont give any effort to reach the finishing line, it's not even a victory. Prolly victory with shame.

Day #100: Wow.

Wow. It's the hundredth day. I dont know what to say. I hate dragging myself in this condition, and yet, i cant completely pull myself out. Falling makes me weak, true. But will not be the excuse for me to back down. Its been a long long time, and i dont want to give up just like this. Ive hold on for so long, thats it. I dont give a damn to the surrounding anymore. My life is miserable cause i made it so. And i will stand on my own to show everyone how strong i can be. I know ive been saying this for so long. And i cant really do it. If i cant do it all at once, i'll do it bits by bits then. One day, when im completely over you, i'll be standing there laughing at myself, for falling for you, for everything i did for you, that doesnt even worth it. I asked myself, did i try my best in doing everything? For the old me, i will just say, no, i could have do it better. Now, yeah, take that. I did my best, you didnt think of appreciating it. It wasnt a mistake after all. Its just a foolish move of mine, to fall for you, so hard. It might be a mistake for you to date me and cheated on your little girlfriend, but get something clear, I DID NOT GET TOGETHER WITH YOU WHEN YOU'RE WITH HER. It's not consider cheating, mind everyone. There's a reason for everything happened. I accept my mistakes, my problems and fill in my bad. To be a better person. Everything is on the right way now.

Day #99: Appreciation.

Does everyone know how to appreciate life? I dont think so. Neither do I. Sometimes, a small little toy can satisfy a kid. A bread can satisfy a person's daily need. And we, the ones that dont even suffer from anything, complains about everything. Life is a bitch, yet, its fair. You did wrong, find your way to fill your sin, if not, you'll get the return. Somehow, at times, innocent people get involve in your problems. Probably, that's their return in some way. Those really innocent ones, just couldnt avoid it. All is in God's hand. I went back for etp again today. Was quite okay. Did the editing with Am, Tracy and Ervianna. I just realise how much my brother suffers to get a video done. Facing the laptop everytime. I really should learn to appreciate life and spread the happiness that i should have to the people around. I have a laptop. What else i can ask for. I have food. I have a smart phone. I have family. I have my daily needs. I get to be educated. I have everything. Compare to others, what else i can ask for. When i learn to pay off, dont ask for return. Not everyone serves you because they have to. They have the right to just leave you there and die alone, but because they care, they stay and take all your bad habits. Shouldnt you just learn to appreciate and satisfy with all you have? And i lost my red hoodie. Cool. -.- I dont want to live in your shadow anymore. And i will not. Dont lose hope for tomorrow. There will always have a chance to be a butterfly.

Day #98: Emily.

I dont know whats wrong with my blogger, seriously. And now, im actually using the HTML mode to post. Feel so weird. I couldnt use the compose mode to type. Its just annoying, yet interesting. Today was not really a good day, neither bad. Golf was kind of boring cause Wilson gor gor wasnt there. Just feel so weird that no one is disturbing me. But i still had a good time practising on my own. Sometimes, i wish i really can shut down myself. When i try really hard on something, the feelings just rush into me like nobody's business. I hate that feeling. I dont like it anymore. It annoys me. Everything related to you is just annoying, i wish. Im really trying so hard. Please just let me forget everything. I dont want a single bit of memory about you. It keeps haunting me again and again. I rather i didnt meet you before. Yung Yung, youre a strong girl. Youre a bitch. You dont care whatever that happens around you. You can just ignore everything. Please. He hurt you too much and doesnt even deserve any care from you. You know its hard, but you'll do good. When people dont even give a damn to you, just dont give a damn to them. You have something else more important to do. Your midterm result wasnt really good. Concentrate on that. It worths even more. In few days, i swear im going to be immune to all feelings. I dont care whether i can do it or not, i just have to. When you give in too much, people tend to hurt you even more. Im not sure what logic is that, but thats how it works in this generation. People are selfish. I have to learn to be one too.

Day #97: Blank.

I dont know what to post today. Went back to uni for etp. Had a great time with mates. Sometimes, i do praise myself that im able to walk this far. Even it took me so much courage, so exhausting, at least its working well. You dont understand how a little thing can affect a girl. You just dont. Its okay. I'll take in everything and let it be. I just have to remind myself, how hard it is, ive been through a lot. No one can come in and comment on my life. Good or bad, i'll take it myself. Im not good, but i'll be well. By that time, we will know, what im capable to do. Dont look down on what i can do. Sure it surprises you.

Day #96: Secret.

Today, we started the topic of reproduction. Ms Sri described everything in details. We are all 18 years old, it shouldnt be a big problem to talk about sex. But somehow, i feel disgusted when she was describing vagina. Due to some reason. I finally know that, what people mean by building your own joy on others' sorrow. Everything hurts. So badly. But it's okay, im well. I dont need you like how you ignored me. Since dont know when, we are not even friends. Just some strangers with memories. If i have a chance, I wouldnt want this kind of memories. Im trying to keep the best part, but everything, good or bad just rush in. I wish i have really short term memory and forget everything. You had your joy. Enough joy and you left. All well-planned. I couldnt blame anymore. What else can i say? Maybe i should just say, i met the wrong person at the wrong timing. Yeah. To anyone else, anything doesnt matter anymore. But you, yourself and me, clearly know what had happened. You can just pretend nothing happened, you wouldnt know how much pain i took just to satisfy your pleasure. Yeah, sure. You left after that. Im trying really hard to be strong. And i really hope people dont see me from their point of view. You all really dont understand what i had. Maybe one person out there knows. The hardest thing to overcome is that you have to fight with your inner self, telling her, you dont need him anymore. Everything that happened, is over. You love her. I cant care anymore. Im fighting myself over everything. When im doing good in everything, i just hope nothing interrupts. Shut down myself will be good.

Day #95: Life.

Life is like a bitch. It always brings you things that make you suffer. But if life didnt be such a bitch, how did we even learn? we cant even have an interesting life. We always screw up life, but its your own choice to whether stand up or keep that pain. It will be hard but no one guarantees its not working. Somehow, people need to always be responsible to their own decision. When you lose something because you made a wrong decision, take all the consequences. Im quite disappointed on your decision in doing everything. You should really learn to have your own life. Instead of blindly following everything was planned. No one knows what will happened in the end. Life doesnt always follow plans. It gives you strength after every failure. Its okay to fail, better than going back to the same mistake always, pretending alright. Sure. You can always lie to yourself that everything is alright.

Day #94: Grow up.

A person who wants to grow up can never depend on anyone instead herself or himself. For anyone who's reading this. I learnt this, cause i know if i want to get out of this shit, it's all about myself. Even how much my friends want to help me out, i cant depend on them, i need my own determination. To grow up, we have to go through all the fights. Even how much i didnt want to ignore you, but i know i cant continue being like this and waste my life. We all screw up life for some stupid reason, but as long as we realise the mistake, we have to let it back to the right track. No one can be blamed for the mistakes you did, but you have to know that it's never too late to fix things right. Im not sure whether im saying the right thing, but i know people cant always stay in mistakes and pretend as if it didnt happen, cause it happened. There's nothing as the best of the worst. Only there's the best or the worst. If you dont give in any effort, definitely you'll get the worst. God will not lead you to the wrong way. If you do the right things, you'll get what you want. I cannot say i've grew up completely, but at least, im learning to walk out your shadow. Im just hoping you to walk out of your family's shadow and do your own decision at times. Smile, to bring the best out of you. Positive things will only follow people with optimistic thinking. You might not know, someone out there needs your smile to move on. The best things in life are all free, the most worthy to me is smile. I dont have the best smile, pretty face, but i know smiling brings the best out of you. Its okay to do mistake, but you must know when to fix it right. I dont know what's wrong with me, but i typed out the whole story of myself. It's so hurtful, but it's okay. Process of growing up. You cant always go back to the old thing that you lost, its never worthy. Trust is like paper, once its crumpled, its never the same. Grow up, darling. Be a guy with the responsible to make decision.

Day #93: Strangers.

After everything, we are once strangers again. From strangers, to friends, to lovers, to couple, to friends and strangers again. I dont know what to say. I really dont want to cry for you anymore. I know it doesnt worth it. I thought about so many old things today. Days that i wanted you to fight for me. Days that you're bored of me. Days that you dont even want to give a damn to what i said to help you. Everything is such a joke. I tried my biggest best to help you out of your own trap, you didnt see my intention and blame i didnt appreciate yours. Well, its okay. Sometimes, when you're lost in nowhere and dont know what to do, being alone is a good choice. Clear out your mind and re-make your decision. Surprisingly, the result will turn out well. I tried so hard to hide everything behind me, but when i see you again, everything just rush back out. I hate the feelings. Really. I would say, this whole course, whole time, its a real shame on me. Being used, without knowing, being played without knowing, being joked on without knowing. I still think your family will be your biggest stepping stone to your success. Theres no way you can grow up and make your own decision, if your family keeps making decision for you. Once you made a decision, please be responsible on it. I still feel disgusted anyway. :O Clear out your mind, and have some clear thoughts on what you want, what you need. Goodnight.

Day #92: Good.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA! Im feeling really good today! Went breakfast with mum and brought along the cupcake that i baked to give the aunty. It's mum's birthday. Had a really good meal, though it's just a normal bowl of noodles and i cant even finish it. After that, i went home. Sister is free today to bring me for shopping. It's really good to go shopping. I feel extremely awesome. I kind of bought a lot of things and im broke again. HAHAH. It's okay. I got back my happiness. Not from the money spent, but truly from my heart. I had a really good talk with mummy naz. Im glad that she's feeling alright now. I just realised, good things will only follow people who think positively. I've tortured myself too much. Way too much. I dont say it doesnt worth, but at least, i tried my best to do all i can, you didnt appreciate, it's okay. i would say it's your loss. I have my friends that see the best part of me. I dont want them to worry for me too. I really feel good to put things down and love myself more. People treat me so well out of sudden because i know how to love myself more. I tell myself, i dont need anyone special. Everyone is special and unique by themselves. You're just someone that i used to know. I have no idea why did i dream about you yesterday, but i really feel disgusted. Especially when you're with her. Such a nightmare. Luckily, overall it's still a good day, beside the deep cut on my finger. :(

Day #91: Saturday.

I think Saturday will be my best day in a week. I really enjoy playing golf. People there are just awesome and funny. They dont fail to make me laugh till stomach ache. Today was extra well. I hit the balls better than usual with good impact. Wilson gor gor guided me and i got hit on the head for few times. -.- Challenged with the kids to hit the ball and see how long it bounced on the puddle. It was lame, but really fun. After so long, i finally bake again. I tried baking lemon meringue with lemon curd as filling. It taste delicious. It's also my first time baking without following the recipe! Hahaha. Finally. It turned out well. Im happy about that. I dont relly give a damn to you anymore. I have to stand for myself. I gave up my pride, dignity and ego for you and you dumped it as if it's fun. I realized how much i'd been through when you just having your happy time with another girl. Nahh. It's my opinion. And im sure you will say you're having hard time and so so. Whatever. I dont care. When you were given chance to appreciate, you think it's nonsense. Fine. Go with your mind, heart or whatever. I bet you're happy than me, so im happy enough for you. But im happy with myself now. A day, You will definitely regret. Goodnight, love one.

Day #90: Experience.

I dont expect anyone to know how and what i feel. I dont need people to know. If a person who truly went through something similar, they will understand. I know how hurtful it is to be treated that way. You wont know how much courage i need to walk out this shadow. What i'd been through, it's not something very serious to others, but it meant everything to me. Yeah. When people hear about it, they will pity me. I dont need people's sympathy. What i'd been through, its over. I will not bring up again. Even if i talk about it, i will not cry anymore. I must tell myself, im strong enough to handle everything. It's your loss. I dont bother to know anymore. I did my part to help us, you didnt appreciate it. Fine. It's my time to save myself. From the pathetic time. It's like duckling finding it's way back to the clean and clear water from the dirty swamp. I know i found my right path. How much i want your care, need you, it will all be shunned to the back of the head, and make sure it will not come out and mess up my life again. I love you, but thats all. One day, you will realize what you did, were so annoying, irritating, and hurtful to a girl. By that time, i'll tell you, im the survivor from all the shit you did. Im really disappointed in all your actions. Think about yourself, and how a person can treat you like what you did. Goodnight, darling. Though i shouldnt say that.

- Ignore your own feelings, yung. Shun all to the back and remind yourself, it's his loss.

Day #89: Honest.

Am i being honest to myself? Was i trying to find another excuse to cover myself? I really dont know. I hope im not lying to myself anymore. Yung, you have to always remember, this guy left you. He doesnt worth a single thing you do. Not to cry for him anymore. Dont need to care for him anymore. Please remember that. You were once a replacement, now, you're just a trash by the roadside. Its okay. No matter whats wrong, you did your best to save everything you can, he didnt appreciate, its okay. You know you're stronger than you thought. You are, yung. No one will understand your pain, cause they are not you. You understand yourself. Your friends were trying to help you. Whether it helps, at least you tried. He's not brave to fight for you, nevermind, you must be brave enough to walk out his shadow. You've gone through a lot that no one can ever imagine. People think its easy, its okay, not their fault. You, yourself should know how hard it is. Behind every bright smile, there is a hidden secret. So, dont ever judge a person when you dont even know what she went through. The second he chose her, you should know, everything was arranged. Even it wasnt, but it is, after you know about his family, his background. You must not keep asking question. Just leave it untold. If he cares, he would ask. Yes, you know how scary it was, how afraid you were when the conical flask was on fire. But it's okay, dont show it to anyone. You're strong and grown up girl. You dont need anyone's help. You dont need, yung. Be honest to yourself. Goodnight, love.

Day #88: Ouch.

Yeah. You know what, whatever. Seriously. Some people come into my life because they have to, but when they insist to leave, let go. Dont hold back, no point. If I love their existence enough, let them be. Im learning. To be myself. Cause i dont know whether you still worth me doing everything. I thought that you worth me doing everything, cause i know, after i do, you will be there to see the result. But recently, im really pissed on how you treated me. But well, grown up girls. Learn not to be stubborn and hurting myself. I need you but i dont need you too. If you get what i mean. I dont like being accused that im trying to change you, cause im not. You go on with your life and i will. Yeah. Was waiting for my brother today after etp. I saw you. Your friends all said bye to me, and you chose to walk the other way. Well. Go then. I didnt do anything wrong. Youre the one that finding your own way to hide from me. Yes. I wanted to cry, asking myself why am i so hateful that you have to walk other way to run away from me. But think about it again, why should i be sad? I didnt even do anything wrong. You have your choice to run away, so go with it. It was all my fault that i couldnt get up and all. Yeah. You dont have to take any blame. Just go with your little girlfriend, that i dont really like. None of my business though. I shouldnt even be jealous of her. Shes pretty? I dont know. Smart? Prolly. Mannered? Uhhh. The most thing that im jealous is because of you. But from what i see, it was just all the surface work. Hah. Go with it. I dont mind anymore. One day, everyone will see me smile truly from my heart. And that will be the best smile that they ever see. Im still hoping the best for you. I will still be happy to see your smile. Just that, i dont really mind whether im the reason anymore. Cause you're the reason of mine. And thats the end of all i want. Goodnight, love. :)

Day #87: Alright.

I dont know how am i. So, yeah. Just pretend to not see you or anything, Tell myself, it wont hurt, it wont, it wont. Stop finding excuses for you or even for myself. Theres no point anymore. You dont talk, i dont seem like i have to. Accept the fact, yung. Smile, even it takes my last breath. To tell you, how well i am. Give time, some time. It will be alright. Just do the right move, follow my heart. Not too blindly. I will be well. I will. I need my confident back. I need to make things right. Need to make it to how its supposed to be. Need to change the pessimistic me back to the optimistic one. I dont need anything. You chose to leave and showed no intention to stay or care, fine. I dont need you too. I'll hide myself. You'll regret on everything you do, Im sure. The first thing, didnt get to choose your life. Urghhh.. Yung, it doesnt matter to you anymore. The porridge, chocolate, care, worries were all extras. People dont even care or appreciate. I did my part. Well, im just looking forward to the end of the month. Fasttttt!! :D Kay. Goodnight, love. :)

Day #86: Rise.

It's time to wake and stop being stubborn. I believed in everything you say, still, but same time, i chose to leave it alone. Since most of the things were untold, i think we should just keep it that way. I know i have no image or anything in you, prolly you'll just think im annoying. But everything is okay. I have the best of you. Everything was real. The feelings were. I will not text you or anything unless its necessary or you texted, if not, you think yourself. I'll be here for what i can do and i have to love myself more. This morning, when i just reached uni, i vomited like three times. I dont know whats wrong too. I need to take care of myself. Which i always dont know how. I love you, goodnight.

Day #85: Pain.

Went back to uni for etp today. Kind of expect you to go back, but i know you wont. Of course i do enough research before doing things. Haha. Saw some statements today that inspire me.. Love, is not something about promises nor passion, it's all about how you want it to be steady and simple. Although you have all kind of promises, theres no use if you dont work on it. Instead, without the promises, you do what you're supposed to, its simple and steady enough. Does it bother you to not talk to me? Well, it really bothers me and i have to pretend everything is fine. I keep staring at the phone, hoping you to text, but i know, you wont. I just hope theres some miracle or anything. I dont know why, my appetite is back to the bad ones. I vomited today. Dont really know whats wrong. I vomited all my lunch out. Its just gross. Not really feeling okay. But isnt that what i want all the while? Just not bad enough. I tell myself, no matter how cold is the shower, how cold standing under the fan, how disgusting is vomiting, I just have to clench my jaws and it will be alright. You know, i dont know why, i think all i did, were all worthy. All. I know i will get scold from this, all i did, were something really small that you dont even give time to remember, but i know it's all worthy. It might be because im such a fool, or maybe it's really worthy. I couldnt be the reason of your smile, its the only regret i have. As long as you smile, it will all be alright, even to take my last breath or my precious. Plant the pain on me, build the happiness on him. Thats what i asked for, dear God. Count on me. Goodnight, baby.

Day #84: Dream.

I wish I could sleep all day long and not wake up to face the world again. I dont want to wake up. Yes. Im still dwelling in the past. Im so sorry if it bothers anyone. 84 days, its not a short period. Every part of me still hurt so much. What am i thinking? What i want? I dont understand myself anymore. I just want to hide in my shell. I dont want to come out anymore. I would do anything just for one guy. I would, even to lose friends. Whether it worths, I would. I know i dont have much friends now. Everyone is like, leaving me again. I dont know who else i can talk to. I dont need to talk, actually. Cause it will turn out the same thing. I dont dare to open up again. Im really afraid to be hurt again. Im afraid to have something or someone good, and everything is taken away in a while. I cant afford to lose things again. Yeah. Probably they were right, i said sorry to make myself feel better. It was all lie. I lied. Everything i said were lies. Liar doesnt deserve to have good treatments. Its all my punishment. Serve me. Goodnight, dear.

Day #83: Deserve.

Yes. I dont deserve to be treated well. Seriously, who will want to be good to someone who doesnt even know how to appreciate herself. I know all of you get fed up with me. I dont expect any of you will help me again. I dont know why do i still mind so much. You know, the second i see you leave without saying a bye, it hurts me so much. Its been days you didnt talk to me. Not even a hi. I should be cool about it, but no, i cant even ignore it. I cried so hard to sleep last night. So hard, till i cant breath, but i just couldnt let it out, cause afraid to wake my sister up. I have to hold the cry to the minimum volume and pretend to sleep. I cant even breath. From the day, you start ignoring me, i just get all emotional again. When the moment i needed you the most, you didnt reply me. Sometimes, i rather run out the road and get bang by some cars. Or maybe, jump down the building? I really hate myself so so so so much! It's all my fault. I deserve the worst treatment! I dont know how long i still can hold. I try to be cool, friendly and everything, all i want is just you to care at times. But all i get must depend on your mood swing. When you feel like it, you'll be good. If not, Im something worse than the soil on the ground. I know im running away. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont deserve happiness. Just, take care. Be happy, darling. Goodnight.

Day #82: Quarantine.

My title is not even related to my post. I used "Quarantine" as the title cause I just thought of the word. I wish i can run away to other place. I really wish i can just run away. Even i know run away is not a solution, but i really dont like staying any longer. It doesnt seem like i have a choice and i have to finish my degree in Taylors. Well. It's destined. To be torture. I tried my best to ignore everything i can. I really dont know what else i can do. See but pretend to not see. Cry but pretend to smile. Not okay but pretend to be okay. Good.  Am I okay? Im not, at all. I just dont understand myself anymore. Whats wrong with you, yung? Still crying for someone that doesnt even give a damn to you. You think you're really good? Really okay? You're not, yung. Not even a little. Why cant I just show my emotions? Why cant i just let my temper out? I feel so hopeless nowadays. I started to feel that friends dont even want to give a damn to me anymore. I have no one to talk to now. I really dont have. I've been suppressing everything to myself, and i dont know how long more i still can take, can hold. I dont even know why am i torturing myself with all these? Doesnt want to hurt me anymore? Well said, darling. Well said. I tried to hide myself so much. Probably no one even realise how am i doing recently and believe that im alright. I dont expect anyone will want to listen to all my dramas again and again. No one will. I deserve to be treated so. Being ignored. Being abandoned. Sometimes, i wish my friends can consider my feelings a bit. You can play with me, can tease me, can insult me, but please dont get overboard. I really appreciate all of you. As long as all of you are happy. As long as you are happy, dear. Goodnight.

Day #81: Important.

Its an important day to my dearest Stephyyyy. Steph, i dont know how many years more i can celebrate your birthday with you, but i will appreciate every chance that i have to celebrate with you. Im really not a good friend, good person that always makes you worry, disappoint you. However, thanks for being there for me whenever i need you. During my worst time, you're the one that let me splash everything out. I dont know what else i can say to describe out friendship. Its not as deep as others, but definitely you mean a lot to me. Im not important to anyone anymore. Im sorry for all my mistakes. Sorry that i kind of ruin your birthday at the end. Ching Enn and I got lost on the highway. We were so terrified and scared. So lost in the middle of the big cars. After that i still have to take the train home from a totally strange place. I dont know why, but today, i felt extra scared. I was in dress, it's night time, i was alone. The surrounding was so quiet that when i see a bunch of humans walking by, i felt my heart dropped, afraid that anything might happen on me. I texted you at least to get some companion. You didnt reply. I dont know what are you trying to tell. Even before i get into the train cabin, I had my headset on, my tears just dropped. I wasnt that scared before about anything, except for the time that i afraid to lose you. I feel so unwanted, and scared. I just couldnt explain how scared i was. You might not believe it. Im really not that strong, in any way. I have my scared and terrified side too. First time crying in the train cabin, it's not only tears, even with my mucus. :/ I cant take anymore. Goodnight, dear.

Day # 80: Lanterns.

Its my first time celebrating mooncake festival with my friends. Bong bong they all from other places, which are so far away from family. Mooncake festival is meant to spend with family, i bet they miss their families more on this special occasion. Ka Mun and I decided to spend a night to play lanterns and candles with them. It was totally fun. I hope they enjoyed it. The lanterns are so pretty and bright. They just gave me an inspiration that such a small candle in the lantern is able to light up the whole walkway. It's just so magical. Things around us are magical at times. Believe in magics, they do appear. Anyway, i didnt know that i dont even deserve a hi. :) It's okay. I tried my best. I dont know how many times i still can say it's okay, but definitely it's hurting me in every way. But well, it's okay. Im so exhausted about things and i couldnt even change a thing. I dont want to change myself either. I just want to follow how it's supposed to work on. I have to pretend to be cool and okay when im not. You know, till now, when i see you, my heart still skips a beat. It's like when i first met you, it's just that it isnt the same anymore. It's not. I will always remember that. I peep you from far, see you from far. Just plain pathetic. By the way, Happy Birthday, Stephyyy. You're the best person that i ever appear in my life. I appreciate you so much. You're just so important to me. <3 Goodnight, darling. :) Goodnight, birthday girl. :)

Day #79: Run away.

I just want to run away. Run away from problems, troubles, everyone. Im so mad at myself. I really am. Why couldnt i stand on myself? Running away isnt helping to solve the problem, i rather not solving anything and let time unfold the unknowns itself. I swear to myself, I will not tell anyone about anything anymore. I dont want. No one will talk to me already. Yes, it's my own attitude that making people, friends running away from me. I tried to be happy, I just dont want to be sad, at least at the outside ad. I want my blades back. I want them back. I cant take it anymore. I want to just die like that. I know it cant happen. If not, i wouldnt be standing here for so long. I want to get sick, but i cant. WHY? I dont want to go for class. Not sure whether its really depression. But.. nevermind. I will not talk about anything anymore. Goodnight, darling.