Day #48: Dilemma.

I just keep wondering, if you really so happening to text me, should i reply or should i just ignore. As what i told myself, i have to ignore you. But think deeper, people who know me, definitely will know that i will not ignore your message. Cause ive been thinking the whole day, waiting to get your message. How would i just give up a chance to talk to you. However, im really tired that i have to be ignored everytime. Youre the one that started the conversation, why do i have to wait for your replies? You might not even care. Yes. Never care. I just cant tell that i have this damn strong feeling that i can only handle in the morning. So annoying. Zz.

Day #47: BFF.

Im really blessed that i have these friends that help me through my worst time, without complaining, accepting every flaws that i have. I may not be a good friend, neither a good person, but i'll try my best to be a retard in front of you guys just to see you smile. You all dont deserve any of my pain. I kept conplaining and crapping about myself, i know how annoying i am. I know all of you didnt like me, disappointed in me. Im really sorry. All of your smiles made me move on, sometimes. I just want everyone to be happy. Ive failed to keep my dearest, i dont want to lose any of you. Never want to. Carr sent me a long message just to cheer me up. I felt so touched. You guys are whataver i can ask for. Im so lucky to meet you all. Although every night i miss you so much, you wont bother, wont realise, wont feel, but it means everything to me. I always must remember who are the ones that walk away when i needed them and who are the ones who stay to be with me. Definitely none of it is you. Never. Im tired. Night. I love you.

Day #46: Night time.

Every night, its obvious that i miss you more. I tried so hard to ignore you in the morning, but i know i cant hold it for long. Especially during the silent nights. I dont have any of your messages anymore. My brother deleted all. Such a jerk he is. Thats the only thing i have that is about you, now its all gone. How hard it is, i will keep doing all i can. Everything i do, hurts me more. But what else i can do, i dont know. I rather keep everything to myself than having more heartbrokens. People dont believe that i gave all my effort to stand up, but i tried my best. Maybe all of you dont believe. Its okay.

Day #45: Ignoring.

As usual, just have to ignore all i have. Ignore. Ignore. No one will understand all the pain, only myself. And i really dont know how long it takes. I dont expect anyone to understand though. I know i have to go through. No matter, how hard, how pain, how hurtful. Definitely, Yung Yung is not strong, but she can pretend to be one. I feel like giving up myself everytime, but i end up standing up high, for while. I have to obey my promise, to myself. Im so tired. About everything, therefore, i updated todays post earlier. No one really pay attention though. HAHA. Distraction, i need. How? :'( Quiz tomorrow. Sleep early, focus, concentrate, done. Never put high expectation in anything anymore, just try my best. Crying wouldnt help any little. I dont need place to release my stress. Just let me keep moving and learn to treasure myself. I love someone with all myself, that i couldnt protect my own pride and dignity. What a failure. Im tired and sleepy. Night.

Day #44: Rainbow after bum.

I will try my best to continue what im doing. Though ive break my own promise. Such a fail, yung. It hurts so much, that i dont know how long i still can hold the unbearable pain. If theres a painkiller for this, i will take thousands to poison myself. You wont know how much it hurts. Never. Eventually, i think i'll get use to the pain and continue ignoring it. Thats the best way for me to recover. I dont know whether it works, just hope it does. I will hide all my suffers behind, so that i will look perfectly well in front of you. I will. Im already very disappointed in myself in everything. I hold back so much to not text you for the whole week. Amd never will again. Same, it hurts. But pretending and ignoring will be good. You might think im exaggerating and being ridiculous, its okay. As long as i know what should i do. I love you so much, still. But we will never ever getting back together. I just want to get over this bum and find the magic of unicorns. I just have to trust myself. Thats all. I know the right person will be here to lead me. He will. God will. When im lost, i believe in God, He has every plan in his hand that He thinks deserve me better. I believe.

Day #43: Pissed off.

It was a really pissed off day to me. Since the second i woke up. I didnt know that i will still dream about you. I dont like that. I tried so hard to ignore you and you just come into my mind like that and messed up all my plans. It takes me so fucking long and hell lot of courage to do what im doing now. I really want you to just disappear from my sight. If i have a choice. It was scary that what had happened in my dream. But i cant do a single thing. Cause i know it happened in the reality too. I just have to ignore myself. Trying my best. To ignore. Its so suffering to do all these and i know you're pretty happy now. Its okay. I have to trust myself. Only myself. I dont want any heartbroken anymore. You've hurt me too much. It's enough. It did affect me on what you did. And im determined that i dont want to talk to you anymore. I dont see a point why i should keep my promise anymore since it tortures me so much and you dont give a damn. I thought about what you did to me. I feel like a fucking prostitute that satisfy all your desire and pleasure that you couldnt get from your little girlfriend. Its so hurtful. And you dumped me cause it's time to go back to your reality after done playing. You wont know how i feel. Never. You owe me too much that i dont even want to mention it. And i never even mention it in front of you. NEVER. If i really say it, you're doomed. All gone. Trust me. So stop triggering my nerves, i wont know what will i do.

Day #42: Out of sudden.

Out of sudden, all the feelings just strike. Maybe they really hate me, and really want to torture me? I guess.. Prolly it is. Ive missed you more when the time to start class is nearer. I wonder why. I dont like the feeling. I really want to forget everything and just live my life. Why cant i be that? I wonder do you ever think about me? MAybe not, haha. Prolly you're having your sweet time. I just have to stop thinking. Everyday trying to e strong, ignore the feelings, forcing a smile. Its like a daily routine. However, the people around me do make me feel better. I will not leave anyone that i love, even im being left alone at the end. I know hows the feeling when someone is left alone, it's not good. Never good. I want everyone that i care be happy. I know im no one to change, but i'll try my best. I swear i will. I have to say, Wilsons in my life love to bully me. They are mean to me. But though, they are those that cheer me up at times. In a mean way, i assume. I love you, still. I wonder why. You broke your promises, you lost my trust, you hurt me, but why am i still feeling that way.. Hmm.. Feel like stabbing myself at times. I will not show any part of me on this to anyone else. Never. Till your shadow fades away and i'll say goodbye.

Day #41: Sudden strike.

Its the 41th day ad. I dont know what should i feel after so long. Am i really dwelling it it? Ive tried not to. I went out with cousin today. I feel cool of course since i rarely go out with her. Sometimes walking on the street, i just think about you. The corners bring memories. I know how much i love the memories, but i couldnt really handle it. Ive been ignoring my feelings so hard these days. It seems working, but im so tired to do things that are not me. I scared one day, if i really cannot take it, will i break down? It might so. I miss someone that wont miss me the same way. He must be having all the fun in Sabah. Maybe when im gone he'll be better? Im should be mad at myself that i still think about him. But, why am i so depress about it? I wish im strong enough to hold everything in place and dont let anyone knows that i still miss you? I feel nothing now. I hope i can even understand myself. I think this is only the shell of me. Ive lost all my feelings. Sometimes, Something should just bang into my life and distract this piece of shit. Zzz. The feelings have been bugging me whole day. Just please, leave me alone.

Day #40: Standing still.

Recently, theres so many couple fights and break ups around me, even myself. Im so fed up looking at those jerks doing those to their girls. If you cant handle a relationship, be single then! Dont involve other innocent girls that actually believe in you and trusted you with all themselves. I swear i will stand by everyone that i care to prevent them from whatever i had. It might be a part of life, but i will try my best for them not to have the same problem as me. Cause i know how hurt it is. I might be immature, childish, silly, playful, but i will do what i can to protect people that i love. I tried on you, it's you that didnt appreciate me. But well, thanks too, that makes me appreciate others more. I dont blame anyone for my mistakes and failures. The fail of our relationship is not completely all your fault, i have to take on the responsibility by taking everything that happen on me. And dont mention, i kinda miss you today, the old you. Definitely. Well, i always do. Just that you changed. I wont show any weak side of myself anymore, i believe i grew up in these 2 months time. I read my old blog posts this afternoon. I realise how silly i am to post everything and no one give a damn to understand it. But it's the process of growing. And i dont regret everything i did for you. Even the cuts. Cause, once, you worthed everything.

Day #39: Trust?

I wonder, what is trust to everyone? Does trust mean differently to anyone? To me, every relationship you have with humans, you need trust. Beside strangers, of course. No matter it's friendship or relationship, it just plays an important role. I trusted you. You crashed it. Thats your problem. I think you deserve you the second chance, you crushed it again. Well, i should say im too stupid to trust you again and again, being hurt again and again. Im happy that i dont feel much now. A bit mad, prolly. But definitely not as before. I dont think you even deserve anything. Dont bloody promise when you cant do something. Its better if you tell me you cant do it than you break your promise. Cause when you break your promise, at the same time you break your trust of mine to you, even as a friend. I dont even feel like talking to you ad, i feel so disguted. Maybe you dont, but you have no trust now. When someone couldnt give a person his trust, you only deserve to be a stranger. It hurts so much to know that you break your promise. I will handle it well. Im no longer the Yung Yung that you know. Thanks for waking me up. However, i believe that we were once in love. Thats all. No doubt that i still love you, but i chose to keep myself quiet and hide my feelings, be a little bit brave enough to protect myself. I shall see your ending anyway. I pray for the best for you, for what you deserve. :) Im not selfish, at all. I never am. Neither sarcastic. I can be worse than this if i really dont care about you. Well played, Noah. :)

Day #38: Freedom?

Im really drowned in Nicholas Sparks' world. Its so beautiful and mesmerizing. At least it always end in a good way, i guess. The notebook, I finished in within a day. Me, myself even shock for that. The story is more or less like us, but they chose to fight for themselves. The ending is quite sad that she doesnt remember him, but they know they love each other. :) So warming. Anyway, I dont know how you're going on in Sabah, and im not interested to ask anymore. I want to know, but i choose to ignore that curiosty of mine. To make my life better. Ignore and pretend will lead me to a better life. At least it's proven that im able to sleep well last night. After the sleepless night previously. I dont care, i tell myself. You said you wont post anything, right, i dont see any from my profile. But i can from others. Guess you hide it. Wonder what kind of gentleman are you. At least i know im not that mad anymore. Its just a waste of energy to be mad. You dont really worth the mad anymore. Though, no doubt that i still love you. I really do. As I said, ignore will be good. All of that will become memories. I promised myself. Even i live alone in my future, I will not go back to you anymore. Its hard, but i know i will do well. If you remember me, youll text me, if not, thats it. :) Prolly you wont, and it doesnt affect much now. And prolly it's my turn to do the ignorance. Too much to tolerate and please you. Shall stop that and protect myself. :) It wont hurt you much, it does to me. I know i will do good. :) Laugh and smile are my uniqueness. She neither you have that. I can just smile off everything and laugh like nothing happened. :)

Day #37: Nicholas Sparks.

I hit the Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre today! Woohoo! Like a boss, seriously. Finally i get to meet my babes after a long long time. HAHHA. So excited to meet them all! Well, i was quite excited to go for the book fest too. Anyway, I was kinda sad and moody for the previous night, that it made me cant sleep at all. But guess what, my friends are more important. They cheered me up. :) I wanted to Nicholas Sparks' book, the notebook due to some reason. But i didnt expect myself to get addicted to his writing. :3 Hes so awesome. I think i fall in love with him. HAHAH. No doubt, i still think about you, for a little. Just a little. But i can actually survive on my own. Thats a good sign that i dont have to depend and rely on you anymore. You dont have the power to do so anymore. :) You broke your promise again and again. So, I shall really just give up in believing you. Actually, i think back again, why should i hate her? I was mad that she didnt explain properly to you when you guys broke up, but i cant do a thing to fix that. So, just let it be. I think im better to be alone. You have to much responsibility on you that you cant even make your own decisions. So, you chose to leave and follow your parents' will, i chose to keep quiet and live my life. I feel better. I wont text anymore. When you text, prolly i will reply. But you wont. Just show everyone how much she means to you. Whatever, i really dont care anymore. I dont really feel that pain anymore. Though, still a bit jealous. Im sure i'll overcome it soon enough. I will keep pretending and ignoring to make myself over it, minimise the pain. And i found a new distraction. Nicholas Sparks. :) I will continue addicted to him. HAHHA! Night! :D

Day #36:An empty day.

Well. I know that you're leaving tomorrow and i actually expect you to tell me youre going back on your own, from your own mouth. I waited and waited. Pretending to be happy when im so fear and terrified. I will continue to pretend im well. As you wish. Even how tired i am, i will just continue. Everything that matters is just your happiness and smile. You think everything you do to me is trying to let me forget you, and you keep asking others how am i? Why dont you just say you feel guilty and nothing else you can do to repay. There's this emptiness inside of me that i dont understand. Not even myself can understand. Im just an ordinary girl that want to be extraordinary to you. I dont ask for more, really dont. And you refused to let me be the one. What else i can do? Im so lost and aimless. I will try my best to find my way. I really dont like being ignored, but i dont have a reason to talk to you now, not anymore. Previously, i dont even need a reason to talk to you, but now, i have to find one, just to talk to you. How sad. No one even bother. Im always the only one that think about everything that no one even cares. Being annoying and paranoid again. Attaching bitch. No wonder people want to give up on you. Even your friends dont want to talk to you. Serve you so right, Emily Wong Yung Yung. so right.

Day #35: Golf is my fuel.

Golfing is kinda like my fuel now, at this critical moment, which kinda cheer me up when i need people the most. Although all of them dont know what happened to me, but at least they did cheer me up. Golf really let me pull out all my tiredness. Maybe you're assuming that im thinking too much, but probably you want to say, you're making yourself too comfortable. I still care about you. Way more than you ever imagine. I just want to stop that. Im so tired, but i cant let myself go. I just dont know why. I tried my best. But everyone thinks i didnt, and theyre so disappointed in me that no one wants to talk to me anymore. How hurtful it is. No matter how sad it is. it wont be as sad as the things you said. You asked avi to after me? Are you serious? You know that i have feelings towards you, why do you even want to say that? Joking? Dont you have other topic to talk about? Is it funny? Does it make you feel better? Do you know how hurt i am? Im not your toys. Dont push me to others when you're bored with me. Im a person. A PERSON. I have feelings. How many times you want me to mention? Dont play with my feelings please. I tell everyone about it, they think im joking, no one even bother to care how i feel when i heard my dearest said that. I want to scold you, but what else i can do? I can only swallow and just hide myself in my tears. Pretending nothing happened.

Day #34: Dissection day!

Waited for the whole week till my neck has become long enought to eat the leaves on the top of the tree, just for this day to reach. I cant resist my desire to cut the cow heart. It's just so.. attractive. HAHHA. Cut the heart quite prettily that i got Miss Sri's attention. And damn, my name will come out more frequent after this. LOL. I had fun during the dissection. It was so bloodily bloody and im just in love with it. Its so superb. Such a waste that i didnt choose MBBS. HAHHAA. They called me a serial killer cause i played with the blood clots and got myself so bloody. Its once in a life time, i should really play with it. You know, YOLO. HAHHA. This also warn people that, dont mess with girls, they can get really mad when they are. Till then, not even sure whether you'll still be alive. LOL. Just exaggerating. HAH. After playing so much, I just hate cleaning my lab coat. So annoying. -.-
Though it's a busy day for me, sometimes, feelings will just hit me without telling. I will still feel the emptiness when im alone. When im really alone, i just dont feel like doing anything and hide in my blanky. Get myself off. I will just continue pretend im okay. I will. Love you, always.

Day #33: I still have feelings.

I really have feelings. You really affect me a lot. Just a little minor thing, you will also able to make me feel really really terrible. What should i do? I had enough. I just want it all off. I heard that you're leaving back to Sabah. Surprisingly that i dont know about it. Well. It's not a surprise anymore. Why should you tell me at the first place, it's me that thinking too much. I dont know why, but when i know about it, i really feel so bad. You're leaving back to her again. Are you happy? Im really really fear and terrified. I know i shouldnt since youre not mine anymore. When you're back in Sabah, i just couldnt survive. Ive been wondering how can i survive through the raya break? Thinking every nonsence. Will there be another picture be uploaded? I dont know. Im scared to be hurt again. Im afraid about everything. I really love you more than everything. But thinking that you have a girl now, and its not me, i feel really terrible. You will marry her and she'll be your only marriage. I dont know what else i can say. Though how much it hurts. Yesterday night, i was so sick that i really cant take it anymore, i wanted to sleep early. I slept in, but nightmare started. I saw you and her in my dream, but i really dont remember what happened in it. It really suffocates me. I woke up with the frightened face, cried and cried so hard until i sleep in again. Im so tired with all these. Being happy and smile all over in the morning, being myself again in the nights. I just couldnt take it anymore that i really want to give up. But i know God will be there for me. I know He will.

Day #32: Re-assemble myself.

Today, I have no idea why do i feel so terrible. I just couldnt concentrate in everything i do. I just want to cry today. I tell myself, its okay, just forget about it. He has a girl now, youre nothing. But i really couldnt stand it. Today is extra sick to me. I try to convince myself that i will be alright, but i know im not. Its about the time. The moment you let go my hand, I should already know you wont come back. Part of me just couldnt let you go, but i will try my best to let you go if its able to make you happy. Even how jealous i feel. I fall for you more and more each day, which is the killing part. The worst time of today was during English Lecture. I know you're texting, but i didnt get any message, it just tells me you're texting her. I know you have the right to do that, but i really couldnt stand anything. I know how useless i am, whoever is reading this, please dont scold me anymore. Im so tired being like this, its all my own fault. The dark lecture theatre just reminds me everything. It's like in a cinema, watching back our memories. Though it hurts so much. Seeing you leaving further and further, it hurts even more. Sometimes, some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.

Day #31: Annoying and paranoid.

I love you, but i cant have you. These all are bullshit to a guy. If you love someone, theres nothing as you cant. You said you have the responsibility, i said i will go through with you. You didnt want to fight with me. I fight myself to help you through, you didnt appreciate, and just left me there. Really bad flu, cough and fever today. I just wish someone can clean the air a bit. Its so annoying for my nose. Freaking itchyyyyy. ANyway, it's Sherley's birthday. Happy Birthday, Sweetie. Overall, of course it's still a bad day for me. There's no word such as good day for me anymore. Just trying to pick up myself everyday, and of course, as expected, failing every night. Every of you just haunts me. Really do. So lost and aimless. Kill me the max. So tired. I know how annoying and paranoid i am to keep bugging you. Im soryy, Everything is messy to me. Maybe it's me that is messy.

Day #30: Stab through my heart.

I dont know what else i should say, but its been a month since you officially left me. How pain it is, i've gone through a month. You dont need me, obviously. But my heart still link to you. I dont know how to cut it off. Everyone hates me. I know. Im not being liked. You finally willing to meet me to solve things. I cant talk when i see you, i just want to cry. I just want to cry. I have so many confuse, but i cant even bring out 1 to ask. When i asked you do you love her, you said dont know. Saw your cover photo. It explains everything. There's nothing as dont know, yes means yes, no means no. And theres nothing as I love you, but i cant. If you love enough, no matter what, everything will just go through. But it doesnt work here. Unfortunately. Every night, i hope i can sleep in properly and wake up in my cheerful smile. It's gone for weeks. Try to sleep late every night, so that i dont have to think and just sleep. But most probably it didnt work that way. Im so sick now that i dont even know what to do. Everything seems like it wants to stab through my heart. I dont have much heart, just one. It's loyal to someone that it shouldnt. It didnt complain and just hold itself in position so that everyone will think she's okay, when she's not. Bleeding love. <3

Day #29: Daily routine.

It's a daily routine for me to miss you everyday. It has become a habit. But i will stop stalking you on facebook. To reduce my pain. Even how much i want to, I have to force myself through that. I just have to grow. Everyday, i still cry for you. Dont ask me why, cause i want to know the reason too. From now on, i will just keep my feeling a side, as if nothing happened before. Are you happy now? I will not show any depression anymore, even i am. Cousin came over and had a swim. Eventhough im sick, i still went with her. LOL. Was quite sick today. Cough with slight fever. Can die. HAHAH. But who cares. Just jump into the pool and pretend its the ocean. Swim through everything. Im tired, but no one gives a damn. Pick up myself, please yung. People tend to not appreciate things that able to get in hand easily. Its true. My fault that i give in too easily. Trust you too much.

Day #28: Suffocating.

Went out with high school friends. Thought it will be a good relief. Somehow, I still have you in my mind. Try to make myself laugh very loud, be very lame. Until certain point, i just cant hold anymore. During the movie, I was totally not paying my full attention. Thinking what were you guys doing? Even it's not my matter anymore. I have to hold everything so that no one will realise. Its very easy to put on smile, very hard to hang it on and mean in every smile. How torturing it is, i must go through. You have hurt me too much and didnt even care to heal me. Its all done. No matter how good were you, its the old noah that used to be my baby. Not the current one that throw everything to me, saying regret but doesnt mean in any, happily in a elationship with the ex. I have enough. Its time for you to show your effort in appreciating me. If you dont, youre just a jerk. maybe worse than that. I might still cry in the nights, but i will just try my best to not show it anymore. I cant show you my weak side anymore.

Day #27: Navigate my own way.

We need a talk to solve problem. Not a talk to fight. I have no idea why am i so moody today. Its like the worst day of my life. I didnt try not to smile in front of people anyone before. We were doing blood smear for our bio experiment. I want to release all my blood, and have new blood to have a better survive. I hate this me that really paranoid, annoying and troublesome. I want to have some time to really find my own way again, to do some navigating. I want to find myself back. I want to stand for myself again. But it doesnt mean that i dont love you anymore. Just that i chose to protect myself after being hurt for so long. I wont comment, asking you to report anything to me anymore. I know i dont have the qualification. I dont even want to be qualify now. Seeing you follow your parents aimlessly makes me feel sad, I wonder whether you'll be happy in your future. You seem happy now though. Its not only you who are tired, im even tired than you. But its not under my concern anymore. Learn to build the walls to protect myself. And i will make sure youll regret someday that you didnt appreciate my effort to bring us back. I tried my best, you dont give in any effort. Fine. Thats all. I did what i supposed to do. I care about you, i love you, but in another way now. Dont play with 2 girls at once. You're lucky that you have her because of your family, if not, youll be worse. You dont call her a backup girlfriend. Well. To me, shes more than that. Its okay, go for her, she'll see how much you love her. How much until you can play with me just to make her back. Such a successful plan. Dont mess with me. Ive grown up. Remember that, any second, i can make you feel even guiltier, more regret. It only depends on what i want to do. I can even just snap your relationship if i want. Think properly in anything you do.

Day #26: Fatigue.

Im tired about everything. Why am i crying over and over again when no one gives a damn. I fought through for the whole month for nothing. You defended her. You care her more. What the hell i can still say? I really hope that i can leave taylors and leave your life. Im tired pretending. Why cant you understand me for a while and put your so called love and responsibility aside. I suffer for no reason? Im tired. Beside that i dont know what else i can say. I have to slowly minimise you from my life, from my blog. Please allow me to take back my shattered brokened heart. I need it to survive. With my dignity. Dont ever try to hurt me anymore, i might kill you at that time. I have to stand up to protect myself. No one will protect me like before anymore. I will do the job. Im not weak, I will not be weak, at lease not in front of you. I like the way being in love, but i cant afford to get hurt anymore. Not anymore. Why am i so naive? Grow up Yung. He wont be back. He doesnt love you, he doesnt even willing to make the effort to protect you. You're just a passerby. Or maybe a used toy. God bless me. I pray for the strength to endure all the obstacles. Hes nothing anymore.

Day #25: Lost kid.

Im like a lost kid now. So lost and aimless. I just wanted to talk to people but people started to ignore me because i cant get over you. Im so sorry everyone. He means a lot to me. Maybe he doesnt care anymore, but i cant ignore my feelings. Just let me be. Im sorry that i disappoint any of you. Sorry that i hurt any of you. Ive been staring at you throughout the English Lecture today. No matter how hard i try not to, still i looked. Surprisingly, my heart still beats very fast. Everytime i walk near you, I just want to run into you and hug you. Hoping youll tell me, its alright. But its totally impossible now. Hoping for the unreachable matters. Lust and love, you were the one that distinguish the difference to me... Im not alright. Im not okay. Im not well. Everything is just so hurtful, painful. People are so disappointed in me already. I feel so guilty. Im sorry to everyone. I dont deserve such good treatment. I have more than i can ask for. Beside you, GN. Hmm.. Nevermind. Its not a matter to you anymore. Bye.

Day #24: Care too much.

I dont know what else i can do. I care for you so much. Its been more than a month since i said i miss you. I just want to tell you how i feel, i didnt mean to do anything. Your ignorance really hurts me a lot. I dont know what to do. I broke down once again. Feeling so aimless and helpless. I just dont know what else i can do. I dont want to leave your life, neither letting you go. But why dont i have a choice? Im really exhauted about everything. I dont know why, but i just want to cry. I want your attention not your ignorance. And please stop asking me to stay strong, everyone. Im sick of that word. Ive been standing up, pretending im okay, while im not. I tried my best. I dont want t0 hurt anyone around me anymore. I know everyone is so disappointed in me. Why do i love you so much, why do i care so much? And you actually dont give a damn. How am i going to survive. Everyone who is reading this, just let me bury myself, the real yung. Nowadays i control myself so much. I hold on not to text you. And when i start mentioning myself and you start ignoring me. I got no where to tell. I just hope you listen to me. Every expression that i have on my face, i dont mean it anymore. None of it is come from the real me. Why is it still hurt so much? I had enough, i guess.

Day #23: Shut down.

I really got tired with all the dramas around. I just want to shut myself down and sleep non-stop. You asked me how am i? What am i supposed to say? I want to tell you how exactly i feel, can i? No. I cant. What can you do to help me? You left me alone here to suffer myself, go through myself, you left me for her, you pleased her, you ignored me. What else can i ask for? I just want you think in my situation. Youre putting yourself in an easy way that you dont have to think so much and think its the best for me. I have nothing to say, its your decision. Im really so frustrated about everything that i shut my friends away from me for 2 days. I managed to pull through, but why i cant even go through this? She didnt treasure you when youre together, but still she gets you. She didnt treasure you and thought youll go back to her. So surprisingly, you met me. She felt insecure and explained everything to you. Does it go this way? She wins. I have nothing to say. You're already protecting her. You already betray me and our promises. You didnt even bother to respect me. I lowered my limits for you and you keep touching my border line. What am i supposed to do? I just hate myself, why do i care for you so much? I can just dont give a damn and live my life. If i can stab myself and see whats wrong with my heart, i might do that. But i cant. Life is awful. Getting worse everyday. Everyone is missing the cheerful Emily Wong Yung Yung. She died. Just hope a new one comes out. When a girl ignores you, it either means she wants you to care for her, or she feels hurt, too much. Im both, what you think you can do?

Day #22: Drama queen.

I wonder, have i become a drama queen recently? I always feature in dramas in these few weeks. I hate dramas, i just want to get rid of everyone and find my own peace. After so many heartbrokens from the dearest and love ones, Im so tired that i just want to give up myself. I was left alone, not being cared or anything. You dont care, its okay. Heartbroken + heartbroken = Death. No doubt that i still miss you, love you, need you like always. But im trying to hold back, I wouldnt let it out anymore. I had enough scold, but not even a care from you. I dont born to please everyone, but i try my best to make everyone happy. Im sorry if i failed to make anyone happy. I have enough dramas in my life, really enough. Youre not here when i need you the most. I cant text you or call you. Just keep it to myself. You chose to put yourself and her in an easy position, and letting me to hold all your consequences of decisions. I did not complain, just hoping you'll think about what im having properly, when you expect me to think in your shoe. Im facing everything alone, while youre happily in a relationship. You might think about me, but if you really do, youll think at least five times when you do something. Im done fake smiling in front of you, im still wondering when can i take off my mask and be the real me again. Im tired, exhauted, fatigue, weary and tired. Just let me shut myself with my feelings and dramas. I really cannot take in anymore.

Day #21: Tiredness hits me.

Im really tired recently, both physically and mentally. I just hope i can still withstand everything that happens to me. Finally i've moved out. So exhausted moving things. Wish to have a happy family again. Im not a lucky one. On this day, 4th of the month, supposingly to be an important to me, but means nothing anymore to me. To you, even earlier, ever since a month ago. I just miss you so much, i want to spill everything out to someone that i really want to talk to, but you dont seem like even care. I thought i might get a stupid message from you, about anything, im just being to naive to believe things. I deserve that, being neglected, being ignored. I cant tell anyone about anything anymore. I just want to cry, but now im even tired of crying. I just want someone to care about me. Im not sure how long more i can stand. I can just collapse and that all for yung yung. I dont want to rely on you, i just cant stop thinking about you. Be yung yung.

Day #20: Frustration.

I got so frustrated recently. And im really really tired about everything. Im so alone to hold on everything. Im moving out tomorrow. So many things to take care of. I want someone that i can talk to, i can tell everything. I know my friends are they, but in some way, its just not the same. Its 2am, and im still here blogging. I wish you can even text me a bit and ask me whether im okay. Prolly not anymore. How much i need you, further you run away. Im dying here. I cant hold any longer. I really hate people asking me to stay strong. Why cant i just be myself? Im all gone. As you wish.

Day #19: Non-stop bleeding.

I fall for you more and more each day, which i know its not right. Im trying to let myself go back to the right path, where i used to be so cheerful and tried to influence everyone with a smile. I just cant anymore. My heart keeps bleeding. Not that i dont want to heal it, but i tried so many times, so many ways, it just doesnt stop. Im tired of fake smiling. I cant do anything. I just want the boyfriend that used to put me as his prior. But he doesnt anymore. I thought im cool enough to let go everything, but it doesnt work this way. I know everyone is tired of my complaints. Im so sorry, i cant do a thing to help myself. I will try my best. I know im not good enough to worth his care, his attention, his companion and everything. I just fail. I love you. But i cant anymore. I dont like that. Let me dream and dont wake up. At least the dream is better than what im having now. I really dont want to wake up form the dreams.

Day #18: The old times.

I was packing my stuff and saw my old phone. I tried to on it and i thought it was out of battery. But surprisingly, i was able to on it. Try to read the messages that you sent me when we werent together yet. It was so sweet and lovely but its not the same. Tears rolled in my eyes. And it fell. I cant control it. I tried to ask you to solve your problem before even we get together. But still end up the same problem. I feel so useless. so useless. I wont blame anyone for my failures, its just that im not good enough to earn the success. Even in uni, when i was waiting to go home, i was listening to the songs, and studying, i just cried. Without realising. I wonder why. Im so lost. The old times are such memories. That i will not give up on. Just hold on and i will be alright. Im cool. I guess. I will not hide myself. I will carry my feelings and hide it aside, pretending nothing happened. Even how much it hurts.